I Can't Unlove You
by Grey'sAddict97
Summary: When Derek leaves Meredith, she tries to do everything she can to forgot him. But things keep happening that are making that hard. Will she ever be able to let him go? I was given permission from MRSMCDREAMY29 who is now known as BITTERHARPY to edit and repost.
1. Book One Prologue

**This is one of our favorite fan fictions, written by ****_mrsmcdreamy29_****. It's called ****_I Can't Unlove You._**** This one is more angsty than any of her other stories. There will be three parts and an epilogue. Each part will have multiple chapters and will be listed like this…**

**Book One: Meredith**

**Book Two: Derek**

**Book Three: Meredith and Derek (Mostly), a few surprise people**

**Epilogue**

**Each book will be written in first person. Book One will have very little Derek in it past the first part. Book Two will have very little Meredith in it past the first part. They will be mentioned but not appear. Then Book Three will switch POV as I see fit. Make sense?  
**

* * *

_Prologue – Meredith's Point of View_

"Hey Mer!"

I stopped walking down the hallway and looked at my fellow doctor and friend, Dr. Alex Karev.

"When we are within the hallways of this hospital, you will address me by the proper title of Dr. Grey." I mocked, acting like my mother.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Blow it out your ass." He said, smiling.

"Did you need something?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, did you hear? We are getting a new Neuro God." He told me.

"Yes, I heard. It is all anyone is talking about. Well, that and how he is bringing his famous doctor wife with him. Apparently, Dr. and Mrs. Perfect don't have names." I rolled my eyes. I was the Chief Bailey's favorite right now and I didn't need or want anyone getting in the way of that.

"Jealous much?" He asked.

"No. Not at all. I just hope he is up for a little friendly competition is all." I said.

Alex snorted.

"Friendly? You? Yeah, not so much." He countered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked, hands on hips.

"Need I remind you of the first day we met as interns? Or the case where you knocked me flat on my ass?" He asked, his eyebrow raised.

"Not my fault you got in my way." I shrugged.

"You clotheslined me!" He exclaimed.

"Again, not my fault."

"I had to have four sutures. And my ribs hurt for weeks." He complained.

"Oh, you big baby. You are a former wrestler. Suck it up. Made you a stronger doctor and one who now knows to get out of my way." I teased.

"What are we talking about?"

I grinned, and Alex groaned.

"We are not talking about anything; Mer and I are talking about something. This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out." Alex sneered.

"You would think you two hated each other, but I know better. You love each other." I continued, ignoring their sneers. "And we were talking about the new docs gracing us with their presence." I told my friend of twenty years.

"Oh yeah, Brainless Brain Man and his Vaginator?" Cristina quipped. "Bailey is thrilled. She is like a little pixie dancing around. You would think this guy's cock was made of gold the way she is acting."

"Bailey is dancing?" I asked. The four-foot ten-inch woman made my mother quake in her boots, and that was saying something.

"Dancing, skipping…same thing. Big meeting later. See ya then. Don't be late." Cristina said and then walked swiftly down the hall.

My phone chimed that I had a text, so I excused myself from Alex.

_How is ur day?_

I rolled my eyes. How hard is it to spell out your words?

_Same crap, different bathroom. You?_

_Fine. Just got out of ass lift. Dinner 2 nite?_

_Okay, I get off at six and then I have to pick up Mia_

_Meet u at Alongi's. Later Hoor._

_It is Whore, your prick. And I will see you then._

_LOL. ILY_

I sighed and typed out my response.

_Me too_.

I placed my phone back into my lab coat and went back to work.

* * *

The next time I glanced at my watch it was almost four. Crap! I ran for the conference room. Bailey would have my ass if I was late.

I rounded the corner and saw that it was standing room only. I decided I was tiny enough to press through the crowd and get closer and if not, I hoped they watched out for my lethal elbows.

However, my way into the room was blocked.

I looked at Cristina and Alex.

"What are you doing? Let me by." I demanded, laughing slightly.

The looks on their faces made me take pause.

"What's wrong?" I asked sharply. "Is it Mia?"

Cristina hesitated and looked over her shoulder. I could see Mark, his jaw tense. He only looked like that if he was angry or worried. Wonder which it was this time. He saw me and made his way to me.

"Hey. Can you tell these two to move out of my way before Bailey realizes that I am not in there and has my ass for dinner?" I asked him.

"I…" He trailed off, as if having trouble finding the words and ran a hand through his short locks. "You don't want to go in there."

"Why wouldn't I want to go in there? Is his breath so atrocious that I will pass out? That's okay; I will just give him a Tic Tac." I teased. I moved to push past him. He stopped me.

"Mer. Please. Don't go in there." He pleaded.

I looked into his eyes; eyes so familiar to me. They were filled with worry and angst and concern and adoration. Whatever it was, it was freaking him out, which in turn was freaking me out.

I shook it off.

"Whatever it is, it will be fine. Now let me go." I wrenched my arm from his gentle grasp and pushed through the crowd. I heard Mark say my name lowly, urgently.

I made it to the second row and took my place leaning up against the wall. If Sasquatch would move, I could see better.

"Now as you all know, I have been very excited about these new additions to our staff." The room laughed as they had seen her exuberant behavior the last couple of days. "They come highly recommended and I would like to be the first to introduce you to Dr. Derek Shepherd and his wife, Dr. Addison Montgomery Shepherd."

The roar started in my ears almost immediately. My throat felt as if it were closing in. My eyes were burning. My lungs started constricting. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think clearly. Just his name…over and over and over again in a loop.

_Derek_

_Derek_

_Derek_

I vaguely heard Mark saying my name, his hands fluttering around my face, my hair.

Suddenly,_ he _was in my sight. Time had touched him, subtly though. His hair was more controlled. His formerly lean body was more muscular. He had crinkles around his cerulean eyes. He had stubble that feathered his strong jaw.

The body that tensed, the jaw that dropped open when the eyes landed on me.

That was the last thing I saw before I saw nothing.

* * *

**What do guys you think?**


	2. Nothing

_Book One, Chapter One: Nothing_

**_10 years ago_**

"Come for a walk with me." He softly demanded, extending his hand out to me.

I took it immediately, concerned with his detached demeanor and the crooked smile that did not reach his eyes.

We walked through the wooded forest that surrounded my house, staying silent. I wanted desperately to say something, anything to make him reassure me.

"Say something." I pleaded with him, bringing myself and him, to a halt.

He looked at me, his eyes vacant of emotion.

"Meredith, we're leaving." He said monotonously.

My brain reeled as I fought to understand the implication of that statement.

"Wha…why now? I mean, I know it's been hard since your dad died, but another few months and we will have graduated early and…" I stopped as finally my brain caught up with what he wasn't saying.

"When you say we…' I whispered.

"I mean, me and my family." Each word separate and distinct.

I shook my head back and forth in denial. He waited without a sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.

"Okay, I'll come with you."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm no good for you, Meredith."

"What…no. No! You promised! You said you would never leave me! You said you loved me!"

"Meredith, I don't want you to come with me." He said, taking a deep breath and staring, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder.

"You…don't…want…me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No."

I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like sapphires, hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.

"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb.

"Of course, I will always love you…in a way. I am just tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I've let this go on for too long, and for that I am sorry."

"Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."

He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.

"You're not good for me, Meredith." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.

I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently; his face wiped clean of all emotion. I tried again.

"If…that's what you want."

He nodded once.

My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." He said.

I wondered what he saw on my face, because something flickered across his own face in response. But, before, I could identify it, he'd composed his features into the same serene mask.

"Anything." I vowed, my voice faintly stronger.

As I watched, his frozen eyes melted. The sapphire became liquid, molten, burning down into mine with an intensity that was overwhelming.

"Don't do anything reckless, or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I am saying?"

I nodded helplessly.

His eyes cooled, the distance returned.

"I am thinking of Thatcher, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself, for him."

"I will." I whispered.

He seemed to relax just a little.

"And I will make a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

My knees started shaking, my blood was pounding faster than normal behind my ears. His voice sounded farther away.

He smiled gently.

"Don't worry. You will move on, forget about me in time."

"And you?" I asked, my voice strangled.

"I will do the same. I am very easily distracted." He took a step away from me. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

The plural caught my attention.

"Amber isn't coming back." She had been out of school for a few days and she hadn't returned my calls.

He shook his head slowly.

"No. They are all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Amber is gone?" My voice was blank with disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her a clean break would be good for you."

I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.

"Goodbye, Meredith." he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.

"Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him.

I thought he was reaching for me too. But his hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed.

"Take care of yourself," he breathed, his breath warm against my skin.

I felt the warm leave and when I opened eyes…

He was gone.

I tried to follow him, willing my deadened legs to move and I stumbled through the wooded area of my vast backyard after him…but to no avail. I had to find him. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.

Love, life, meaning…over.

I walked and walked. For what seemed like hours. I began to feel frantic as I realized I didn't know where I was, or how to get home.

Home.

It wouldn't feel like home without him.

He was my reason for everything. At sixteen, I knew he was my soul mate. The one I was destined to be with.

As I looked around, at the cold, empty, dark forest, it hit me. He didn't feel the same way.

I tripped over something and I stayed down, curled up into a ball, willing for death to come upon me.

I laid there for hours, shivering, but I didn't feel the cold, my stomach rumbled, but I didn't feel the hunger, my bones ached, but I didn't feel the pain.

I was empty.

I was unloved.

I was nothing.


	3. Girl Time

_Book One, Chapter Two: Girl Time_

Looking back, I realize that I don't remember anything about the next two months directly following that day. Time ceased to exist. I know that I got up every morning and I went to school. I would force down a few bites at breakfast and supper, I would do my homework and I would go to bed. I was in a haze of grief and nothing would penetrate it. My heart was cracked open in tiny fissures, beyond repair. It was like a bomb exploded and the fragments were all over the place, and no one could put it back together again.

I was walking towards my Jeep on a cold December morning when my dad caught up to me.

"Okay, I have had enough. You are going to go back to Boston to live with your mom."

I looked at him catatonically. His words barely made any sense.

"Why? What did I do?" I asked. I knew my behavior was beyond reproach. I never even went anywhere but to school and the grocery store.

"Nothing. That is the problem. You are just this shell of a person. I just think it would be better for you to get out of here. Without all the reminders of…"

"You want me to leave?" I asked, interrupting him before he could say his name. I couldn't take that.

"No, of course not Mer. I love you. But this is not healthy."

"I'm fine."

"Oh yeah? This," he gestured to my slovenly appearance, "is fine? You not having anything to do with your friends, is fine? You having nightmares and waking up screaming every night, is fine? Your clothes are hanging off of you. I hate to break it to you, Mer, but you are not fine." He stressed to me.

"I am. I actually have plans to meet up with Cristina later today. We are going to go to the movies. Girl time." I told him, trying to remind myself to ask her if she wanted to go to the movies. Cristina didn't do girl time.

Thatcher nodded.

"That should be fun. Girl time, great." He forced some enthusiasm into his voice.

* * *

"Yeah, great. Well, gotta go to school now."

He stepped aside and let me go.

Cristina looked at me shrewdly as she ate her cheeseburger.

I ignored her, nibbling on a chip. My stomach revolted and I put it down.

"You look like shit." She said bluntly.

I looked up at her and then looked back down at my full plate.

"You have circles under your eyes, your hair is greasy and stringy, you have obviously lost weight, you don't talk to anyone, even me and I have been your friend for four years. It's like you don't care about yourself anymore."

I still said nothing.

"Damn it!" Her fist banged the table and I jumped. "Talk to me."

Tears flooded my eyes.

"What do you want me to say? That he left me like I was nothing to him? That he never loved me? That it was all a lie? Fine. I am nothing, he never loved me, and he lied." I said.

"Derek…"

"Don't say his name." I whispered. "Please." I pleaded.

She nodded.

"Eat." She demanded.

"I am not hungry."

"Eat anyway, or I will have your father put you in the hospital and have you fed intravenously."

I glared at her.

"Finally. Some emotion." She said.

"Yeah, anger."

"Better than nothing. Now eat."

I nodded and picked up my chip and started chewing.

* * *

"Hey Mer!"

I looked up from the book I was trying to concentrate on.

"Mark?" I was surprised to see him here. He was _his_ best friend.

He frowned as he looked me over.

"You look like shit."

I rolled my eyes.

"Yes that is the general consensus, thanks." I said.

"How much weight have you lost?" He asked.

I shrugged and turned my attention back to trying to read my book. I was on page six and I had been reading for an hour.

Suddenly it was ripped from my grasp.

"Get up." He said.

"Leave me alone." I pleaded.

"No!" He made me stand up and he looked at me. The disappointment on his face made me cringe. We had been close, Amber, Mark, _him_ and I.

He grabbed my hand suddenly.

"Come on."

"Where?" I asked.

"Anywhere but here."


	4. Positive

_Book One, Chapter Three: Positive_

"So? Do you want me to look or do you want to?" Mark asked quietly.

I was struggling for breath. It was Christmas morning and Mark had stayed over and we were all going to spend it together. Mark didn't really have anyone much in the way of family, so he had been by my side for the last month, almost constantly. My school and sleep were the only things that separated us, as he had dropped out the year before. I found it easier to breathe around him. He actually made me smile.

But everything was about to change. For my whole life rested on what that little white stick had to say.

_Yes._

_No._

_Pregnant._

_Not Pregnant_

"I have to do this." I said.

He nodded.

"Well, it's been five minutes, it only needed three." He said.

I nodded and got up on shaky legs and walked to the tiny bathroom I shared with my dad. I closed my eyes and then opened, blinking as I looked at the pregnancy test.

_Positive_.

I fell down to the floor, biting my lip hard to stop the sobs from being heard. I tasted blood on my lip. I was vaguely aware of warm arms wrapping around me, rocking me back and forth, murmuring words of encouragement.

I am not sure how long we stayed like that, but he never complained.

"What am I going to do?" I whispered.

"We are going to have a baby." He informed me.

I leaned back to look at him, confused.

"I know this baby isn't mine, but you don't have to do this alone. I will be here the whole time. I am not going anywhere. I promise."

"That's what he said." I choked out.

"I'm not him."

How well I knew that…

* * *

"You're pregnant?!"

My father stopped pacing long enough to glare at me and Mark, his face a vivid puce.

"I'm sorry Daddy." I whispered.

"How did this happen?" He asked.

"Well, you see there is an egg and then some sperm and…" Mark started.

The look my dad gave him shut him up.

"You! You…I ask you to look after my daughter, to help her and this is what happens?" He asked.

"It's not his fault." I interjected quietly.

"Then whose is it? You didn't get pregnant by yourself."

"It's not his." I stated.

That stopped my father cold.

"That little bastard!" He yelled. "He left you knowing you were pregnant?"

"He didn't know. I didn't know until last week."

"How far along are you?" He asked, finally sitting down. I loved my dad, but he tended to overreact…a lot. I had come to live with him my freshman year when my mom had moved to Boston with her husband and we were extraordinarily close. This whole situation was killing him.

"I don't know, but if I had to guess I would say four months. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"I am really disappointed in you Meredith. I thought I had raised you better than that, but this is going to happen so there is no sense in dwelling on it." He looked at Mark. "What is your role in all this?"

"I am here for Mer. No matter what." He vowed.

My dad nodded.

"Looks like we are having a baby."

* * *

**What are your thoughts?**


	5. Adoption?

_Book One, Chapter Four: Adoption?_

"Okay Meredith, this is going to be a little cold." Dr. Johnson said, as he squirted some jelly on my slightly rounded stomach.

I jumped a little and Mark laughed. I was in my sixth month of pregnancy and true to his word, he had been here the whole time. He had gotten a job at a nearby construction company and he slept on our couch. Or so Thatcher thought. He actually slept in my bed with me. He kept the nightmares at bay and while he made no secret of how he felt about me, he knew I wasn't able to be in a relationship like that. So, he settled for friendship. I kept telling him that he should go out and find a nice girl, but he always said I was all the girl he would ever need. So selfishly, I leaned on him.

"Everything is looking good. Are you still having morning sickness?" Dr. Johnson asked.

"Ugh. Why do they call it morning sickness when I have it morning, noon, and night?" I complained.

Dr. Johnson laughed.

"I will take that as a yes. Just keep taking your vitamins and eating healthy." He advised.

"Just eat anything." Mark muttered.

I shot him a glare. I was having a struggle eating and while I passed it off as the pregnancy, we both knew it wasn't.

"Do you want to know what you are having?" He asked.

I chewed on my bottom lip and thought about it.

"No. I think I want to be surprised." I said.

Dr. Johnson nodded.

"So few things in this life are." He said. "Well, I won't need to see you for another four weeks so just get dressed and Anita will set you up."

"Thanks Doc." I said.

I looked at Mark, who was leaning back in his chair watching me.

"Do you mind? I need to get dressed."

Mark rolled his eyes.

"It is nothing I haven't seen Mer."

"Ugh, you promised to never bring that up ever again." I hissed.

Mark laughed.

"Oh come on! It was funny."

"Me opening the shower curtain to you pissing in my toilet while scratching your ass was not funny." I said.

"Well, I thought it was funny." He said.

"Mark." I whined.

"Fine, going. Hurry up woman. I am hungry and that baby is screaming for a cheeseburger."

"Fine."

He left with a wink and again I wondered why I couldn't move on with Mark.

* * *

"So, have you thought of any names for it?"

I looked at Cristina, who I was helping do her graduation invitations.

"Don't call my baby an it." I said crossly.

"Well we don't know if it has a penis or a vagina so until it pops out of your vajajay it is an it."

"Ugh, names. I don't know. I mean he or she will have to live with this forever. It's a big deal, you know?"

"No, I don't know. I don't want kids…ever. They cry, eat, poop, pee, smell, and ugh…" She complained.

"Thanks a lot." I rolled my eyes.

We worked a little longer and I looked up when I felt her gaze burning a hole into my head.

"What?"

"Have you ever thought about adoption?" She asked, her manner hesitant.

"Yes." I whispered.

"And?" She prompted.

"I can't do it, Cris. This baby…he or she is the last link to him that I have. This baby will be the best parts of both of us. It proves to me that he did exist. That even if he didn't love me, I loved him, and this baby was made out of that love. I know, stupid reason, right?" I said, brushing away my tears.

"No. It's not. Have you tried to find him?" She asked.

"Dad tried. It is like they disappeared without a trace. No number, no forwarding address, nothing. I told him to stop looking. If he had cared about me, he would have called or come back, anything and he didn't. And I don't have the energy to dwell on that. I am going to have a baby to raise in less than three months. I have to focus on that. I have Dad and Mark. We will be fine."

"About Mark. What is up with that? Are you totally reaping the benefits of the horny pregnancy hormones with him?"

"No! It's not like that." I protested.

"Is it for him." Cristina said.

I feigned concentration on the invitation in front of me.

"Is it?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Oh come off it bitch! You know he is in love with you." Cristina said.

I sighed.

"I know. I just…can't go there. We have discussed it and he understands." I told her.

"Mark isn't Derek." Cristina said gently.

I cringed and wrapped my arm around my midsection as if that could help hold my insides together.

"Don't say his name, please. I am begging you. Please…" I was panting and gasping.

"Okay, okay. I am sorry. Shhh. It's okay. Breathe in and breathe out. Slowly…that's it." Cristina wrapped her arms awkwardly around me and rocked me slowly.

My breathing startled slowing down and it was easier to breathe after five minutes.

"What the hell Mer?" Cristina asked.

"Just a little bit of anxiety is all." I waved her concern away.

"Bullshit. That was a full-blown panic attack. That is not healthy Mer."

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't want to forget him? That I could pretend he didn't exist and that I had never met him? That I could be happy with Mark who has been there for me this whole time? But I can't. I am having his baby. The place where my heart was is hollow. I am barely holding it together and in three months I am going to be responsible for another human. A human I wasn't prepared to have until I was much older. So, thank you Cristina, I know this is not healthy!" I ranted.

Cristina stood there, her mouth agape. That is probably the most I have said or emoted in six months.

"O…okay." She stammered.

"I'm sorry. It is not your fault. You told me not to trust a guy with hair like his." I feebly joked.

"Yeah." She smiled weakly.

An awkward silence ensued.

"Let's get these finished. I swear I am going to get carpal tunnel. How do you know this many people?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

It worked.

"Ugh. My mom." She complained.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur and I found that I enjoyed myself immensely.

Maybe I was getting better.


	6. Mia Avery Sloane Grey

_Book One, Chapter Five: Mia Avery Sloane Grey_

"Come on Mer, you can do this! Push!" Mark coached.

"You fucking push!" I yelled.

I was on this stupid bed, practically folded in half, my legs spread wide, with an old ass man sitting between them like he was a catcher for the Mariners. Oh, and pain was ripping through my back, to my abdomen, down to my not-so-good girl, that was currently being stretched to the size of a Volvo and might never recover. Are vaginas elastic? I mean, I didn't want a guy, if I ever slept with another guy and at the moment that didn't look so promising, to fall in to never be found again.

Oh God, these drugs were fucking with my brain…not helping my pain however.

Painkillers, my ass.

"Okay Meredith, just one more push and your baby will make its debut."

"Didn't your ass say that like ten pushes ago?" I asked.

He smiled kindly and just repeated himself.

"Aarghhh! Jesus Christ, this shit hurts!" I screamed.

"Mer, shhh, baby. Calm down." Mark said.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN! You try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon and we will see if you stay calm!"

"Okay, Meredith, you don't want to miss this. Look down." Dr. Johnson said.

I did as he suggested and gasped. All I could see was dark curly hair and blood and white cakey stuff on his or her head…at least I think that was its head. I hope it was its head.

"Okay one last push and you can meet your baby."

I grunted as I pushed, and the baby just slipped out into the doctor's hands. I threw myself back in relief. Thank God that was over.

"It's a girl!"

A girl…I had a daughter.

Mark leaned down and kissed my sweaty forehead.

"You did it Mer. You did great! She is beautiful…well I think she is beautiful, but she is covered with some nasty shit right now." Mark said honestly.

I slapped him on the arm half-heartedly.

"Of course she is beautiful."

The nurse interrupted us with a smile.

"Would you like to hold her, Ms. Grey?"

"Please."

Suddenly, a squirming baby swaddled in a pink blanket was placed in my arms. I looked down at her and I felt it…

My heart.

I mean, I knew it was still in there, physically speaking but metaphorically…it had been gone. And now it was like all the fissured pieces had fused back together, only leaving a small hole where it should have been complete.

She had darkish curly hair, most of it obscured by a pink and blue striped hat. Her fingers were long like mine, her chin and mouth also reminiscent of me. But when she opened her eyes, they were a deep blue…

Just like his.

I would be looking into his eyes for the rest of my life.

'Just like I never existed', my ass.

* * *

We settled into a routine as the weeks passed on. Mia Avery Sloane Grey was a good baby, sweet in nature. She rarely cried, thank god and slept at intervals of four hours, which I was told was a godsend. I graduated high school on time and with honors. Dad, Mark and Mia were all there to support me at the ceremony. Mark's loud ass could be heard over everyone there.

Mark. He was so good with Mia. It was like he was born to be a father. I knew he thought of her as his and while I appreciated that, I feared his heart was going to be irreparably damaged like mine was. But he deserved that title above anyone else in Mia's life, so for now I didn't say anything.

It was that summer that Mark pulled me aside for a conversation.

"Can I talk to you Mer?" He asked.

"Of course. Just let me put Mia down in her bassinet." I quickly did just that and sat back down.

"You know how you decided to put off college until Mia is older?" He asked.

I looked down at my hands and chewed on my lip.

"Yeah."

"Well, you don't have to, and I think you should take U Dub up on their offer." He said.

U Dub, or the University of Washington, had offered me a full scholarship to their campus in Seattle. I had been planning to be a doctor but that had suddenly started to look like a pipe dream. I had deferred it for a year, and they had graciously let me do that considering my circumstances.

"I already put that off. I will maybe go next year." I told Mark.

"Look, I got my GED and I have been offered a job in Seattle that will help me pay for my schooling. I am going to college with you. We can get an apartment, a three-bedroom apartment," He amended when I shot him a look. "I can work, and we can go to school. They have grants for housing for single mothers to help us out. And your dad said he would do whatever he could and so did your mom."

"My mom?"

My mother. Ellis Avery Grey-Webber. Biggest woman surgeon in the U.S., though I think she was going for world domination. She made no secret of her disdain for my current predicament. It wasn't Mia that she objected to, it was the time of my life in which Mia had occurred that she had a problem with. She was living in Boston with my stepfather Richard and my half-brother Jackson. Now that was a scandal. He was two years younger than me, which would not be a problem if maybe we had the same father. See Mom was having an affair with Richard behind my Dad's back when I was a baby. When Mom turned up pregnant again, no one thought anything of it…until Jackson was born…

See Richard is a good-looking man, but he is a good-looking black man. My Dad is white, so let's just say that when Jackson came out, it was a shock to almost everyone. Dad filed for divorce, Richard left his wife, Mom married Richard, and no one ever looked back. I had lived with Mom and Richard and Jackson until I was fourteen and then after a summer visit with my dad, I had really liked it and decided to stay. My Dad and I were very close now and I had Mia so no matter what else happened, I couldn't let myself regret the choice I had made then.

"I don't understand."

"Your mom said that if you went to college and kept your grades up, she would pay for everything that the grant wouldn't. The apartment for us, Mia's nanny, cost of living, cars, everything." He said.

"And what do I have to give her in return? My first born? Cause I am rather attached to her." I said dryly.

"No. You become what you set out to be. A doctor." He said.

I sucked in a breath. Is it possible that I could have everything, well almost everything, that I wanted.

"So, what do you say?" Mark asked.

"Okay. Yes." I agreed.

"Yes?" He asked, making sure.

"Yes."

"Whoo hoo! We are moving to Seattle!" He pulled me off the couch and twirled me around my living room. "We are going to be world famous doctors and Mia will have everything she ever wanted. You will have the life you deserve. I promise."

He sat me down and looked at me, grinning from ear to ear.

In that very moment, I believed him.


	7. Okay

_Book One, Chapter Six: Okay_

**_Two Years Later_**

"Mer? Do you know where my Gross Anatomy book is?"

I rolled my eyes, slipped my glasses off and rubbed at my face vigorously. I was in the middle of typing up my dissertation for that class. Mark hadn't even started, and it was due in a week.

"How the hell would I know?" I asked, exasperated.

Mark was always losing things. He was a terrible slob and I felt like his mom sometimes. He was, however, better than he was when we first moved in. Apparently, he put on airs for Thatcher.

"You cleaned." He said.

"Of course I did. Who else is going to do it?" I asked, raising my eyebrow at him.

"Can I borrow your book? Just for tonight. I need to get started on my paper." He asked, flopping down on the couch.

"You think? It is only due next week."

"Just because you started yours a month ago, doesn't mean I had to."

"How do you keep your grades up by procrastinating?" I asked.

"I keep my professors happy." He said with a leer.

"Even the men?" I faked an outraged gasp.

"No, definitely not the men." He asserted.

"How is it you can keep from getting an STD?" I asked.

"No glove, no love." He quoted.

I shook my head in mirth, while being a little jealous. Not that I would admit that to anyone, especially Mark.

When we had moved in, he was always there, saying things…sweet things, great things. He loved me; I knew this. He made no secret of it. But I just…couldn't. Not with him, not with anyone. I had Mia. I had school. That was enough.

Or was it?

I would watch Mark go out on dates. Hell, I had even thrown a couple of my classmates at him. He never brought them back to the house, but a couple of girls I knew gave me a play by play of his bedroom prowess. I still couldn't block out those images that were burned into my head.

And if it made him happy, great. I was happy for him. But I felt that I was stuck in limbo. Mia should be more than enough for me, but a part of me wanted to be happy with someone, be a family with someone.

But I was damaged goods. No one wanted to go out with a woman with a baby. Add that to the fact that I couldn't commit, and I was in love with someone else and that made me a waste of time.

Mark, Mark would jump at the chance. I knew this, but again, he was too important to mess with. I loved Mark, just not the way he deserved.

"You have that look again." Mark said.

I focused on him and faked a smile.

"Just thinking about school." I lied.

"You are really boring Mer."

"Thanks." I replied dryly. "I love you too."

"I do love you Mer, you know this." He said sincerely.

"I know, I am just…I just…I need to go out and get away and have some fun and get…I don't know…get laid!" I ranted.

Mark stilled, the smile leaving his face.

"You want to what?" He whispered.

"Never mind. I am just…just forget I said anything. Really. It has just been a long day. I better start cooking supper. Spaghetti okay?" I asked.

I stood up to go to the kitchen but his hand on my arm stopped me. He pulled me down next to him.

"Are you finally ready to move on?" He asked.

"I don't know." I whispered. "It's been three years. I guess it is time. Don't you think?"

"I thought that two years ago. You are too wonderful to just sit and let life pass you by."

"What if I am not?"

"Not what?" He asked.

"Wonderful, beautiful, and all the other things you say. I mean, if I was so wonderful, why didn't he love me, why didn't he stay?" I asked, tears flooding my eyes. I willed them to not fall. I hated weakness.

"You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are smart and funny, and any guy would be so lucky to have you." He stressed. "And he was an idiot. Derek Shepherd was my best friend, but he is a fucking idiot!"

I waited for the pain that would always wash over me when his name was mentioned.

And I waited.

And I waited.

And barely nothing.

Just a little pang and that was it.

"You okay?" Mark asked, when I stayed quiet.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am." I breathed, still reeling.

I looked to Mark and smiled.

"Do you have plans for Friday night?" I asked.

"Um…no. Do you need me to babysit?" He asked.

"No, I want you to take me on a date." I told him.

The look that crossed his face, made me in equal parts feel happy and sad. Happy because I had made him happy. Sad because I had made him happy. Just one little invitation for more, made his face alight with joy. It was heady, this power I had over him.

I just hoped I was worth it.

* * *

"So dinner was good." I said, letting myself in our apartment.

"Dinner was excellent." He followed behind me and shut the door.

I paid Kelly and asked how Mia had been. Kelly had had no problems and soon left, leaving us alone.

Now, normally this wouldn't bother me, seeing as we lived together and all. But this was different. We had gone out, had dinner, watched a movie, held hands and had had a great time. And I am no expert on dating, but I am pretty sure a kiss is mandatory.

So, I was worried.

I decided to avoid.

"I am going to go check on Mia." I told him, smiling in his general vicinity. Looking at him was out of the question. He looked hot tonight.

"Mer…"

"And then I think ice cream is in order. Do you want some ice cream?" I asked.

"Mer…"

"And then I think I want to go to bed. It has been a long week and I have been busy and I am just exhausted. So maybe I will forgo the ice cream. What do you th…."

His mouth on mine made my words die down abruptly. I stiffened in his arms in surprise and disconcertion and wonder. His lips were soft, not rough as I had thought they would be. He was gentle, just using the slightest pressure. I started to slowly respond, leaning into him more, allowing my hands to caress up his chest and rest behind his neck, linking together. Before I could get completely into it, he pulled back.

"Mia is fine, we just had dessert, and yes, it has been a long week, but this is me, Mer. So, avoiding won't work. I know you too well. So now that we got the kiss out of the way, how about we watch a movie. You can pick since I picked the one we watched earlier."

I stood there stunned, watching as he walked to the kitchen. I headed over to the entertainment center and rifled through our DVD collection.

"How about Lethal Weapon?" I asked.

He was now sitting on our couch, dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a tight T shirt.

"How romantic." He teased.

"If you want hearts and flowers, go find another girl. I like to watch shit blow up and Mel Gibson is just hot."

He laughed.

"Go change into something more comfortable. You know, something see through and tiny."

I mock glared at him.

"Or go change into your sweats." He amended.

I put the movie on and rushed to my room and pulled out my boxers and the t shirt from my high school. I padded back into the living room and paused in the doorway. He was so gorgeous. He could be anywhere and with anyone tonight, and he chose to be here with me.

He caught me looking at him and smiled, patting the spot beside him. I quickly joined him, keeping a slight distance between us. He shook his head, reached to grab the throw settled on the back of the couch, and threw it over his legs. He then snatched me, bringing me flush up against his side, placing his arm behind my head. I searched his eyes for a moment and then cuddled up to him, my head on his upper chest.

We watched the movie for a few minutes and I felt his lips brush my temple.

"I know that I am not who you want here right now. I know this and I understand this, and I am okay with this. But he is not coming back and if you could just maybe give me a chance, a real chance, I think that maybe, you will find that I can make you happy. I want to make you happy."

My eyes filled with tears and my throat and my chest both tightened, and I found it hard to breathe. Was I truly ready to move on? Could I? I had a daughter with _him_. I had memories with _him_. I loved _him_.

But I had a life with Mark. He was good to me, he loved me, he loved my daughter, and he was my best friend.

And I wanted him to be happy.

And with that, I brought his head down to mine and kissed him with all the feelings, good and bad, that I had coursing through me. It was nothing like the sweet kiss from before. This was all tongue and bruising pressure and teeth gnashing. This was lip fucking at its greatest.

And it felt…amazing. Freeing. Uncomplicated. It just was. All thoughts flew out of the window, all confusion kept at bay. It was just me and Mark, two people who had bonded over the loss of a boy we had loved and who had found something in each other.

And as I pulled away, my breathing heavy, my chest heaving and his much the same, I knew.

It was time to put my big girl panties on and move forward with my life. For Mia's sake. For Mark's sake.

For my sake.

And with that, I uttered the one word to make it all right.

"Okay."

* * *

**What do think you think? Should Mer move on with Mark?**


	8. I Love You

**Meredith and Mark are now 22 and 24 years old (remember that Mer graduated high school at 16), and both are graduating from medical school.**

* * *

_Book One, Chapter Seven: _I Love You

**_Four Years Later…_**

Doctors, please repeat after me...

_I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:_

_I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.  
I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures [that] are required, avoiding those twin traps of over-treatment and therapeutic nihilism.  
I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.  
I will not be ashamed to say "I know not," nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery.  
I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.  
I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.  
I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.  
I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.  
If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help._

I was one of ninety eight graduates who recited this with the Dean of Medicine.

"I would like to be the first to properly introduce to you, the University of Washington School of Medicine's graduating class of 2012!"

I tossed my graduation cap in the air with everyone else, a soft smile on my face. I was Dr. Meredith Grey. In two short months, Mark and I would begin our internship at Seattle Grace Hospital. It had been a nerve racking four years of med school, every day the same. Get up, rush around getting ready, fixing Mia breakfast while grabbing something on the run, school, studying, supper, shower, bed.

It was not something I would necessarily change. My life was busy, but full. I had accomplished what I had set out to do and I was fulfilling my dreams. I hadn't done it alone, I thought, looking out into the stadium to where my entire family sat. My dad, always so supportive and loving, my mom and stepdad, always quick with encouragement and advice, my half-brother, Jackson, always making me laugh. He was two years behind me in medical school at Dartmouth. He was a looker that was for sure. I could see the trail of broken hearts already. Then there was Mark, my rock, my best friend. He was infinitely patient and understanding. He respected my emotional boundaries with little or no complaint.

Finally, there was Mia. Brighter than any star in the sky. She was six now and so smart. She was the only person I lived for.

"Mommy!"

Mia broke away from my dad and threw herself at my legs and squeezed. I bent down and picked her up, holding her tightly to me.

"Ugh. You are getting so big." I exclaimed.

"Mommy!" She rolled her blue eyes. "I am already big." She corrected.

"Oh, of course. Forgive me." I said to her, smiling.

"You look so pretty Mommy!"

"What about me?"

Mia giggled and launched herself at Mark, almost making me lose my balance. Mark righted me with a grin and transferred Mia to his arms, kissing her cheek.

"You are pretty too, Uncle Mark." She said.

"You learn quick Munchkin." He teased. "But you are right, your mother is absolutely breathtaking." He said with a wink at me.

I blushed under his intense gaze.

"So, what are you planning to do during the next two months?" My mother asked. I looked at her, Dr. Ellis Grey-Webber. She looked formidable in her cream-colored suit, not a hair out of place.

"I am going to do nothing but spend time with Mia." I told her.

Mark cleared his throat.

"And him." I hiked my thumb in his direction. "Why?"

Ellis looked at Richard, who nodded.

"Well, I was thinking that you could spend some of that time in California."

"California? What's in California?" I asked, confused. Mom hated hot weather.

"You three will be there in two days." She informed me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because a little birdie told me that Disneyland would be 'so awesome'." She said, with a smile.

Mia started squealing loudly, jumping up and down.

"Disneyland! Oh my gosh!"

I looked at my mother in astonishment.

"You don't have to do this." I said, ignoring Mia's 'Mom!'. "You have done so much for us already."

"We want to. Besides, it will be a long time before you can go on a vacation once you start your residency. So, go, enjoy. It is all expenses paid, two weeks in the hot, smoggy state of California."

I laughed and then for the first time in years, I hugged my mom.

"I am so proud of you Meredith." She whispered as she hugged me tight.

"Thanks. That is all I have really ever wanted." I told her.

* * *

"Can we go again? Huh, can we?"

Mark groaned. I bit back a laugh. Mark apparently had a fear of heights I wasn't aware of before this trip. The flight consisted of him using three barf bags. Yet, he insisted on going on every ride that Mia could go on. Mia wasn't scared of heights, so to say that Mark was green, was an understatement.

"Let's give Uncle Mark a chance to recover." I suggested. "Why don't we get something to drink and then explore?"

"Mmm…k." She agreed. I took her hand as Mark took the other one and we grabbed some lemonades and some soft baked pretzels as we walked. It was a wonderful day at 73 degrees. There was a cool breeze blowing and it was beautiful. Just seeing all the families out spending time together, just like ours.

I stopped walking as that thought occurred to me. Mark and Mia had moved ahead a little as they looked at a map and decided what to do from there. He had swung her up into his arms and their heads were so close together, darker meeting lighter. He said something to her, and she giggled, and he kissed the top of her curly brunette-haired head.

We were a family. To any other outsider, we were. I was the mom, Mark the dad and Mia the child. My heart and gut twisted simultaneously.

"Mer?" My head darted up and I shook a little to clear my thoughts.

Mark looked at me with concern.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, just got a little dizzy." I assured him with a smile.

"Maybe we should go. Come back tomorrow." He suggested.

"No. I don't want to ruin anything for her." I wasn't only talking about the trip.

"If you're sure?" Mark asked.

"I am." I told him.

"Mom, Space Mountain! I want to go. Please!" Mia begged.

I laughed as Mark groaned.

* * *

"She was asleep before her head hit the pillow." Mark told me as he threw back the covers to his side of the bed.

I put down the medical journal I was reading and smiled at him. He was so handsome, and he wanted me.

"Why do you love me?' I asked.

Mark's head snapped up.

"Why not?" He asked.

"I'm serious. You deserve so much better." I told him, looking down at my hands.

"I don't agree." He said, his tone brooking no argument.

"If you were smart, you would run, screaming, in the other direction."

"I am not smart."

"You are a doctor, so I would hope you were somewhat smart." I teased.

"I am book smart, not common-sense smart."

"No arguments from me."

Mark sighed.

"Do you love me?" He asked.

I faltered. I had no idea how to answer this question, because the truth was, I didn't know. I never really sat down and thought out my feelings for Mark. I had just shifted them under the rug with all the other things I didn't want to deal with.

"I do love you, but I don't know if I am in love with you. Does that make sense? I mean, you are my very best friend and I am so grateful to you…"

"I don't want you to be grateful to me! You wanna be grateful? Feel that shit for your mom or dad. Not for me. I am the man who has been there every step of the way for seven fucking years. Not once have I judged you or told you to stop loving the man who left you, pregnant and alone. Not once. I have tried not to feel anger at the way you flinch when I touch you, or when I kiss you. I have tried not to feel contempt when you take down that fucking box from the closet and sift through the shit, he gave you. Because you loved him, and he gave you Mia. I get it. He was my best friend and I get it. But he is not here. He is not here and I am. I am right here. I am the only daddy that Mia knows. And I love you, both of you. And I think I deserve a better answer then 'I don't know'." He looked away from me and took a deep breath. "Do you think I don't know that you are detached when we make love? That you wish I was him? I know. And I deal with it. But I can't live in his shadow forever. You need to decide. Is it going to be me or him?" He slipped out of bed and grabbed a pillow. He looked at me. He looked so tired and defeated. "I'm going to go sleep on the couch. I am going to move out when we get back, give you some space. Give you time to think, to breathe."

I watched him go, my mind reeling. Mark was going to leave me? No. No!

_No! No! No!_

I was out of bed before I had time to think through my own thoughts. He was trying to get comfortable on the too short couch. I almost started laughing in my hysterics. Dude was way too tall for that love seat.

"I don't need time to think. I already know. I have known all along, I think." I said.

Mark blinked furiously. I was surprised to realize he was crying, or as close as Mark could come to crying.

"I will pack my things when I get home." He said, his voice dead. He turned away from me, burying his face in the couch cushion.

I padded quietly over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. He stiffened and shrugged it off.

"I don't need your pity."

"Will you look at me, please." I pleaded. He didn't move. "Please."

He sighed and looked at me.

"What?" He asked harshly.

"You know what I was thinking when we were walking earlier?" I asked, my voice quiet in the darkness.

He just looked at me.

"I was watching you carry Mia and I was admiring the contrast in the coloring of your hair when put next to hers. There is no question that she is not yours."

He scoffed and shook his head.

"But if a person were to take a second look, they would see the unmistakable bond you two have. You are the only daddy she has ever known. I won't be responsible for her losing that."

"I will still be there for Mia." He said stiffly.

"Yeah, but I want you there for me, too."

"Meredith, I can't. This is tearing me apart." He said.

"You are not understanding me and that is my fault." I placed my hands on each of his cheeks and looked deeply into his gray eyes. "I. Want. You." I said slowly.

"You want me?" He asked.

I nodded.

"How? How do you want me? Do you want me to be your best friend? Your lover? Your confident? Your boyfriend? What? How do you want me?"

"All of the above." I whispered. "But I don't want to get married. Not right now, possibly never." I emphasized. "We can continue like we have been only I will let you in fully. I promise. I don't want to lose you."

He searched my eyes as if looking for any hesitation on my part. He would find none.

He pulled me into his arms, and he hugged me tightly.

"I love you." He breathed into my ear.

I grasped him just as tightly.

"I love you too."


	9. Interns

_Book One, Chapter Eight: _Interns

**_July 2012_**

"I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not gonna change." She indicated to the nurse's desk. "Trauma protocol, pagers, nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run. That's rule number two." She started walking and we scurried after her. "Your first shift starts now and lasts for forty-eight hours. You are interns, grunts, nobodies, the bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders, work day and night, every second til you drop. And don't complain!" She opened a door to a room with bunk beds. "On call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can, where you can. Which brings me to rule number three. If I am sleeping, don't wake me unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four, the patient better not be dead when I get here. Not only would you have killed someone, you would have woken me for no good reason. Are we clear?"

I tentatively raised my hand, wincing slightly.

She glared at me.

"Um…you said five rules. That was only four." I told her, quietly.

She regarded me carefully, her eyes narrowed. Her pager went off just then.

Thank God. I seriously think that woman could kill me with just a look.

"When I move, you move."

She took off running and we followed her to the roof where the helipad was located. The helicopter had landed, and we rushed to get the patient out, steeling ourselves against the harsh wind coming from the circling blades.

In ten minutes the patient, Katie Bryce, was in a room, mid seizure. Let me tell you, you can study this stuff every day in a book, but until you see it first-hand…you ain't seen shit. She was shaking, flopping around on the bed. My job was to try to restrain her. I picked up the cloth ties, trying to remember which way they went. With Dr. Bailey's help I figured it out. She stopped seizing when the medicine was injected.

"Dr. Bailey, I hear you have a fish on dry land."

We all looked up. By we, I mean all six of us. I was lucky to be in the same intern group as Mark and Cristina, who had graduated from Stanford. Why she had went to school in sunny California, I would never know. Cristina wasn't sunny, at all. The other three that completed our group were an ex jock named Alex Karev, a bubbly ex underwear model named Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens and a shy, fumbling man named George O' Malley.

The doctor that had just walked in was a tall, red headed man. His jacket said Dr. Owen Hunt: Trauma. I looked at my patient and back at Dr. Hunt. This was not a trauma case. So why was he here?

"We sure do, Dr. Hunt." Bailey said smoothly.

"Shotgun." He said.

Ugh. Here we go. Time for scut work, but at least it was a real patient with a real problem.

"You know what that means, people. We will run every test in the book. O'Malley run me a Chem 7 and CBC. Yang, go to her parents, get a detailed history. Stevens, you will be with me. Grey and Karev, get her up to CT. She is your responsibility now." Bailey went to leave.

"What about me?" Mark asked.

She turned back and looked him up and down.

"You get to do rectals." She smirked and left, Izzie following her.

Mark groaned.

"Great." He turned back to me. "I don't even stick my finger up your ass."

"Oh. Gross. This is why I moved away." Cristina remarked.

"Only because I don't let you." I told Mark, ignoring Cristina's comment.

"Dude, you hitting that?" Alex asked Mark.

"Excuse me? How is that any of your business?" I asked.

"It's not." He shrugged.

I turned back to Mark.

"Just get it done and it will be over. See you at lunch." I told him and unhooked Stacy's bed.

"Like I am going to want to eat covered in anal juices." He said, walking out.

"Nice image." George said, his face screwed up in a disgusted look.

"That's Mark. You get used to it." I told him kindly. He nodded shyly and blushed, taking the blood he had drawn and walking out quickly.

That was weird.

"Looks like it is just you and me." Alex smirked.

"Must be my lucky day." I said sarcastically. I began wheeling the bed out into the hall and I racked my brain trying to remember where CT was.

"You know what they need? A big 'You Are Here' sign. You know, like the one they have in the mall?" He remarked.

That was actually not a stupid thing to say. Huh, go figure.

"You have a nice ass."

And the idiot is back.

* * *

"Eat." I insisted, pushing a tuna sandwich Mark's way.

"I don't think I can Mer." He groaned.

'This isn't a marathon, it's a race. Eat." I said.

Mark took the sandwich and bit into it.

"Tuna?" He said, making a face.

"Yeah. You eat it all the time at home. What's the problem?" I asked.

"At home, I haven't been up seventeen men's asses." He said.

"What does that have to do with tuna?" I asked exasperated.

"It smells like ass." He said.

I thrust my half-eaten turkey sandwich at him.

"Here. Take this." I pointed to his sandwich. "And give me that."

He handed it over.

"Now shut up." I told him.

This is when I notice that the occupants of our table are looking at us.

"What?" I hissed.

"Nothing." Izzie said, looking away.

Cristina came up and sat down next to me after staring George down and taking his seat.

"Have you heard from Mommy Dearest today?" She asked.

"No, why would I?' I asked.

"You know her baby's first day and all." She crooned.

"This is not kindergarten. Besides when has Ellis Grey ever cared about my first day of anything?" I asked.

I heard loud gasps come from the peanut gallery.

"What?" I half shouted.

"Your mother is Ellis Grey? The Ellis Grey?" Izzie asked.

"Who is Ellis Grey?" George asked.

Everyone now looked at him.

"Who is Ellis Grey? She is only the biggest chick surgeon ever. She practically invented laparoscopic surgery. She won the Harper Avery…twice." Cristina boasted so proudly, you would have thought it was her mother.

"So I didn't know one thing." George complained.

"To get to be Ellis Grey." Izzie said.

"Can we shut up about Ellis Grey?" I asked.

Mark looked at me oddly.

"What? It is starting to freak me out." I told him.

"Hey, isn't your Mom's maiden name Avery? I mean that is what you told me when you named the kid that. Isn't that a coincidence? That your mom gets an award with her maiden name on it." Cristina said.

"Yeah." I said, non-committedly.

"No, it isn't." Mark said.

"What isn't?" Cristina asked.

"Harper Avery is Meredith's grandfather." He informed her.

I winced.

"What the hell Mer?" Cristina asked. "How could you not tell me that?"

"It never came up. And you are like some kind of surgery whore." I told her. "I didn't want you to molest him."

"Good point. You're forgiven. How is the kid?" She asked.

"Mia is fine." I said pointedly.

"You have a daughter?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah, Mia Avery Sloane Grey." I told her proudly.

"Do you have any pictures?" She asked.

"Yes." I pulled them out of my scrub pocket and leaned over Cristina. "This was when she was six months old, and here is when she…"

"Okay, I am not a chick." Cristina said.

We all looked at her.

"I mean I am a chick, but I don't do chick shit. So, let me move so you can have your girly moment."

I moved back and let her relocate.

"I am with her." Alex said. He looked at Mark for some man support.

"She's like my kid, dude." He shrugged.

Alex looked at George and then quickly shook his head.

"Never mind." He muttered.

He snatched the pictures out of my hand.

"Hey!" I protested.

He looked at them and then nodded.

"Cute kid." He said handing them back.

'Thanks." I said proudly.

"Too bad she is not older."

And the idiot returns again.


	10. Saving a Life

_Book One, Chapter Nine: _Saving a Life

I couldn't believe it. My first day on the job and I had correctly diagnosed a patient when even the most experienced of doctors couldn't.

"Good job, Dr. Grey." Dr. Nelson told me, clapping me on the back. We had just scrubbed out where I had held a clamp.

"Thank you, Dr. Nelson." I said breathlessly.

He nodded and left the room. I smiled and threw away my towel and headed out the door.

"Do you want to tell me why you stole my surgery?"

I looked at Alex and smirked.

"Wasn't yours. I made the diagnosis, not you." I simply said.

"I spent just as much time with that pageant queen wanna be as you did! That little twit was annoying as hell and I got put on scut while you scrubbed in and helped save her annoying little life. She competes in beauty pageants for Christ's sake!" He raged.

"We had to save her life anyway." I said dryly.

I sat down on a bench and he sat down next to me.

"Rhythmic Gymnastics, huh?" He asked.

I laughed.

"Yeah I know. What is rhythmic gymnastics? I mean I can't even say it." I agreed.

"It's like maybe with a ball…" Alex trailed off, chuckling.

"Do we have to do the thing where I say something, and there is a moment and then someone cries?" He asked.

"Yuk." I said.

"You should get some sleep. You look like crap." He said.

"I look better than you." I snarked.

"Not possible." He said smiling.

"I need to get home." I said getting up.

"Yeah, to Sloan and your daughter?" He said in a questioning manner.

"Yes. To Mark and Mia." I told him firmly.

"Lucky guy. Oh, and what I implied about your daughter. I didn't mean it. She is a cute kid." He said.

"You're forgiven…until tomorrow. So, don't forget to watch your back." I warned.

His laughing answer followed me, "Bring it."

* * *

"I'm home!" I yelled tiredly as I entered the apartment.

"Hey! You look tired, Meredith." Jenny, Mia's nanny said.

"I am." I said.

"Mommy! Mommy!" Mia skidded to a stop in front of me. I held my arms out for a hug. "You look like crap." She said.

"Gee, thanks. I love you too." I said.

She leaped into my arms.

"You are still the prettiest mommy ever." She said sweetly.

I looked at her suspiciously.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I wanna go to public school." She said.

I looked at Jenny in alarm. She just shrugged.

"What brought this on?" I asked.

"I have a new friend and she is going to that school and we will be in the same grade and her mom said she would take me back and forth and Sara is so nice and she has My Little Ponies and Barbies and she thinks that my Anatomy Jane is really cool and she wants me to play and can I?" Mia rambled.

"Wow, she really is your kid." Mark said from the doorway, his hair wet from his shower.

"Well, Mia your Grandma has already paid for the private school." I told her gently.

"Please Mommy. Please." Mia pleaded. "Talk to Grandma."

"Okay? And I will have to check out the school first." I said.

"Yay!" Mia jumped up and down.

"I said I will think about it. Not that you could. We still have a month before I have to worry about it."

"Okay. Go to bed now. You look tired." She said, patting my head.

"I am going to go run some errands and then we are going to the park." Jenny informed me. "Say good night to Mommy and Mark."

Mia giggled.

"It's not night!" She protested.

She gave me a kiss.

"Hey! Did you get to stick your hands in guts?" She asked excitedly.

"No. But I did get to see a brain." I told her.

"Wow!" She turned to Mark. "What did you get to see?" She asked him.

I stifled a laugh as Mark stumbled through an explanation.

"Oh…um…well…I saw lots of patients….sick patients." He said to Mia. "Too much of them." He muttered.

"That is not as cool as Mommy." She told him frankly. She kissed him and followed Jenny out of the door.

"She is growing up way too fast Mark." I said forlornly.

"I know. She is going to be a smartass." He said.

"She might take after you then after all."

He extended his hand and I accepted it, hoisting myself up.

"I'm gonna take a shower. I smell like a hospital." I complained.

"I will be waiting for you." He said, walking towards our bedroom.

I showered hurriedly and then threw on some pajamas. I crawled into bed and snuggled next to a sleeping Mark, who threw his arm around me and held me close. I drifted off to sleep quickly.

* * *

When I awoke it was to an empty bed. I sat up slowly and looked at the alarm clock.

_4:30pm_

I stretched and listened for sounds. The house was too quiet. I got up and padded to the bathroom. Once finished, I headed downstairs. I found a note on the dining room table.

_Woke up and took Mia to get some dinner for tonight.__  
__Be back soon.__  
__Mark_

I smiled and poured me a cup of coffee that Mark had thoughtfully brewed. I sat down and started to read the paper.

I was entranced by the scandals when I heard Mia and Mark come in the door.

"Mommy!" She yelled.

"Shhh. She might be sleeping still Mia." Mark whispered.

"No, I'm not." I said.

"Mommy! I talked to Grandma. She said I could go wherever I wanted." Mia said excitedly.

I looked up at Mark.

He shrugged.

"She called, and Mia wanted to talk to her." He explained.

I sighed.

"Okay Mia. We will go register you Friday." I told her.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She exclaimed and through herself in my arms kissing me all over my face. "I am going to call Sara! I know her number and everything!"

She leapt off of me and ran to the living room.

"Are we sure she is six?" I asked.

"Yes, pretty sure." He remarked, setting a take-out box in front of me.

"She just gave in like that? My mother?" I asked doubtfully.

"She was hesitant and then Mia started rambling so much like her mother and Ellis couldn't keep up and just told me that as long as they are nationally accredited and suitable, she wasn't going to tell Mia no and that she would put the money in her college fund instead." He said.

"So, in other words, she didn't want to be the bad guy." I surmised. "And I do not ramble."

"Of course not." He placated. "Mia! Dinner!" He called.

"In a minute!" She yelled back.

"And it starts." He groaned.

"What?" I asked, taking a bite of ravioli.

"The squealing, giggling, talking on the phone all night, part of being a girl." He said.

"I am not squealy or giggly." I said.

"I bet I can make you squeal and giggle." He promised.

I shivered.

"Promise?" I asked.

"Promise." He said.

I shifted in my seat.

"I will count on that tonight." I said seductively.

"Count on what tonight?" Mia said breathlessly, sitting down and digging into her tortellini.

"Going to bed. I am still very tired." I lied, smirking at Mark.

"Oh." She was all she said.

Thank God she was still young. I would hate to pay for her therapy bill.

* * *

**What are your thoughts?**


	11. Dead Baby Bike Race

_Book One, Chapter Ten: _Dead Baby Bike Race

**_One Year Ago_**

**_October 2011_**

"Now see there?" Bailey said, pointing to the surgical board. "That is what I like to see. It's not overcrowded, it is neat and simple and will be an early day for me."

"That sucks." Cristina muttered.

"Oh good! I need an early day." Izzie said.

Bailey looked at her.

"I said for me! You will be plenty busy."

"Dr. Bailey."

"Yes, Chief Grant?" She said, turning to see our Chief of Surgery walk towards her.

"Dead Baby Bike Race Day." He said, before hurrying off.

"Okay people! Let's move!" She hurried to the elevators.

"What is Dead Baby Bike Race day?" Mark asked, sharing a confused glance with me. I shrugged.

"The Dead Baby Bar holds a bike messenger race every year. The only rule is no eye gouging." George said as he mimicked the movement to Alex. "Who holds a race where the only rule is no eye gouging?"

"Better question is who names their bar that?" I asked disgustedly.

"Men." Alex said.

I rolled my eyes.

We arrived down into the pit, where we helped each other into our yellow trauma gowns.

"Okay, don't mingle with the ER interns. They don't know their ass from their esophagus. Don't fight over patients. Triage quickly, get them out of here. Any questions?"

None of us were listening. We were gleefully taking in the chaos before us.

"This is like candy with blood, only so much better." Cristina blurted out.

"Watch out! We have a white male, unconscious with obvious head injuries." Dr. Hunt said, passing by us.

"Ooh! I want that!" Cristina said, at the same time Izzie said, "Mine!"

Bailey looked at both of them impatiently.

"Both of you go!"

They raced off.

I paid them no mind as I was looking straight ahead at the guy that had bicycle spokes puncturing his abdomen.

"I want him." I whispered in awe.

"Not if I get him first." Alex said. Mark just looked at me in amusement and went to help someone else.

He knew what was coming.

I lunged forward with Alex on my heels. I quickly put my arm out and stopped, causing Alex to fly into it and fall to the floor. Okay so my foot may have helped too.

"Oops." I told him sweetly as I raced over to help the patient.

I heard Mark laughing behind me and Alex cursing.

"Karev, get off the floor and help someone!" Bailey yelled.

I looked at him and smirked. Never underestimate petite people.

* * *

"I can't believe you just yanked them out of yourself!" I bitched at the patient as I finished suturing him up.

"You know you have got a nice touch." He said with a to-die-for Scottish accent.

I have a thing for accents.

"And by the way you are a rockin' babe." He continued.

I rolled my eyes.

"Seriously, do you actually think you have a shot here?" I asked with a smile.

"I actually think I have a shot anywhere." He smirked.

"Hmmm…" I said.

"Hmmm." He repeated.

"Look, you seriously have to let me take you for some tests, run a CT. You could have internal bleeding."

"No thank you, I have a race to get back to." He said with a faraway look in his eyes.

"Why? You can't win now anyway." I stated as I placed the medicated bandage over his now closed wound.

"Doesn't mean I can't cross that finish line." He paused. "There is a party at the finish line." He leaned closer. "Do you want to meet me there?" He whispered seductively.

I looked up abruptly.

"One test, a CT. I will have you out of here in an hour." I insisted.

"Can't do it." He said, looking at his covered wound and pulling his shirt down.

"Okay," I said as I pulled off my gloves and put them on the surgical tray. "You realize you are leaving against medical advice and I strongly urge you to stay."

"The frat guy you clotheslined would have let me go." He objected, gesturing towards Alex, who was shooting me dirty looks.

"The frat guy is an ass."

"Okay." I gave up, sighing. "You have to sign an AMA form." I said picking up the clipboard.

"Darling, I will do anything you want me too." He murmured, voice close to my ear.

I looked up to find his face inches away from mine.

"What is it, with you guys and your need to dirty everything up?" I asked.

"I don't know." He smiled charmingly. "Maybe it is just testosterone, eh?"

"Maybe. You might want to see a doctor about that too." I said flippantly as I handed over the clipboard.

He sighed and grabbed it. "Give me that." He signed his name with a flourish and got up handing me the signed papers.

I turned my back and before I knew it, I was whirled around and his lips were on mine. He pumped my lips once, twice. I put my hands up as not to touch him in case someone thought I had initiated it.

He finished and looked at me, letting me go.

He walked away. "That was for good luck. Don't worry darling, you will see me again."

"For your sake, I hope not!" I yelled after him, before turning around and shaking it off. I ripped off the tainted paper drapes covering the table and went to throw them away.

I froze when I spotted Mark looking at me through the slatted blinds. I threw it away, bracing myself for the confrontation that was sure to follow.

"You making out with patients now?" He asked incredulously.

"No I am not making out with patients. He kissed me." I said. "Are you jealous?"

"I don't get jealous. "He paused. "Did you like it?" He asked.

"How can you even ask me that? I live with you, I sleep with you, I have sex with you." I ranted.

"Yeah I know, just wanted to hear you say it loudly so everyone could hear and back off. I don't like to share." He said.

I laughed.

"Don't you have patients of your own?" I asked.

"Yes, I do. I will see you later." He said. He walked over and kissed me. "Couldn't let him be the last man to kiss you." He said.

"Get out of here." I admonished.

I watched him go feeling lighter than I had in years.

Maybe time did heal all wounds.

* * *

The next day we all dragged into the locker room. Izzie and Cristina had a harvest patient today that would save George's patient's life. Alex had scrubbed in with the Dr. Hahn to repair a heart and had rubbed it in. I had replied by slamming him into a locker. Mark had interrupted. I was still mad at him for that.

'Why are we stuck in the pit again?" Alex complained.

"We have to treat the people who were either too drunk or too scared to come in yesterday." I pointed out.

Alex grimaced as he put on his scrub top.

"Sore?" I asked as the others laughed.

He glared at me.

"Not cool Grey." He spat.

I shrugged.

"I told you to watch your back." I told him.

"I just didn't think you would have knocked me on it." He said.

"You seem like the type who likes to be on his back." I teased. "Me myself, I like being on top. It gives me power."

I walked away with him looking at me in awe, adjusting himself.

Horny little freak.

* * *

I stretched as I finished my ninth patient's sutures. Stupid bike messengers.

"Done?" Mark asked.

"God, I hope so." I muttered.

Alex walked up to us and groaned.

"I hate doing sutures." He complained.

"You could have been stuck doing rectals. Those really do suck." Mark informed him.

"Hey isn't that the guy from yesterday?" Alex suddenly said.

I didn't even bother looking as I wrote in the patient's chart.

"Which one? I remember several." I asked.

Mark must have been looking too.

"Yes but did all of them kiss you?" He asked.

That got my attention. I looked where they were looking.

"He kissed her? And he is still alive?" Alex asked Mark.

I ignored them and walked towards Viper.

"Viper?" I asked.

He was sitting there holding his abdomen and looking gray in color.

"Viper?" I asked louder.

He stood up and coughed, blood flowing out of his mouth.

"Viper!" I yelled as I ran to him. He fell to the floor before I got to him.

"Get me a gurney!" I yelled to Alex and Mark.

They just stood there in shock.

"Get me a fucking gurney!" I screamed. That got them into action.

I pulled Viper's shirt up and gasped.

The wound had gaped open and was bleeding profusely. He had internal bleeding just as I had suspected.

The orderlies and Mark and Alex helped get him on the gurney. I climbed on top of him to hold the wound closed as much as I could.

They hurried us to the elevators and I looked up at the numbers creeping slowly towards our destination.

"Hurry, damn it." I pleaded.

Suddenly we were in motion again and we were wheeled into an OR where Dr. Bailey was scrubbed in and ready to operate.

She was taken aback at my position on top of the patient.

"No that is something you don't see every day. Someone get her off of my patient."

Mark helped me off.

"Grey, scrub in. Sloan and Karev, get back to the pit." She demanded.

"But, we helped." Alex protested.

"Yeah, I heard how you like to help. Trying to steal cases and take credit that isn't yours. Go." She demanded.

Mark sighed, and Alex glared at me, both of them leaving. I hurried to scrub in, thankful for the chance but worried about Viper.

* * *

Four hours later, Viper was stable in recovery. Bailey and I went in search of his friends. Bailey raised an eyebrow as I led her to them.

"This them?" She asked, referring to the tatooed and pierced group of people.

"Yes."

"Are all of you here for…" She looked at me.

"Viper." I supplied. She looked at me incredulously. I just shrugged. I didn't name him.

"Viper?" She finished.

"Yes, is he going to be okay?" One guy asked.

"Is he okay? No. No, he is not okay, at all. He hurled his body down a concrete mountain at full speed for no good reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you all pierce yourselves and smoke up and generally treat your bodies like your grungy asses can't break down. Hey hey, that's fine. You want to kill yourselves, flying down a concrete mountain, go to it, but there are other people walking, people driving, people trying live their lives on that concrete mountain, and one of them got his brains scrambled today because one of you little sniffling no good snot rag-'

"Dr. Bailey." I calmly interrupted.

She spared me a look and then turned back to his silent friends.

"Yeah, yeah so okay, no! Your friend Viper, as far as I'm concerned, is not okay." She stormed off.

I looked at them as they looked at me, mouths agape.

"She's um really tired, but Viper's gonna make it. He's gonna live." I informed them.

"Cool. Thanks." One guy choked out.

I nodded and then walked away, reminding myself to never get on Bailey's bad side.


	12. Tests

_Book One, Chapter Eleven: _Tests

**_June 2013_**

"What are actinic keratoses?" Izzie quizzed.

"Ooh! Pre-cancerous lesions in old people!" Cristina blurted out.

"In anyone!" Alex refuted.

Dr. Owen Hunt looked calmly at both of them while cooking us pasta.

"Karev is right." He said.

"Yes!" He looked at Cristina and stuck out his tongue.

Cristina looked at Owen.

"You suck." She told him.

He just smiled and drained the noodles.

I looked back and forth between them. It was weird to see Cristina in a domestic living situation and with an attending no less. It was love at first 'can I scrub in' for Owen and he had chased her until he wore her down. Now they were living together. Poor Owen. I had let Cristina stay with Mark and I briefly when her apartment had flooded. At first, I assumed the flood was water, but having lived with her, I now suspected it might have been garbage from her apartment. She was a slob. She bought new underwear for Christ's sake, instead of washing them. She didn't cook either, so I had a brand-new respect for Owen.

"What are the five 'W's?" Alex asked.

I rolled my eyes.

"Wind, water, wound, walking, wonder drugs. Come on, give me something hard."

"I got something hard for you." He taunted.

"Will you knock that shit off?" Mark hissed to Alex. "That is my girlfriend."

Alex looked at Mark.

"Yes we are all aware of that. You tell everybody who looks at her sideways, including women. Are you that insecure with your relationship that you have to be that possessive?" Alex asked him.

Mark stood up so quickly his chair fell back. He had Alex in his grip before any of us knew what was happening. I rushed over to them and forced myself in between them.

"Stop this now." I demanded firmly. "Alex, please quit taunting him. Mark stop being an ass."

Mark backed away.

"I am an ass? I have to watch every guy pant for you. Hear them talk about how hot you are, how much they want to 'tap that'. Do you think I want to be possessive?" He asked me.

'Do you think that I don't have to endure the same shit you do? The nurses have formed their own club, Nurses Who Want to Fuck Sloan. You don't see me pissing on you." I ranted.

"Yeah, I wonder why that is." He said.

I replied with silence.

He just shook his head and walked out, leaving everyone looking at me in shock.

"What is he talking about?" Izzie asked.

Cristina put her hand on my shoulder and led me into her bedroom, closing the door firmly.

"Sit." She ordered.

I looked at the bed dubiously. I had seen firsthand the effects of her and Owen's sexcapades. Not like that! She had vent marks burned into her ass. Now that was hardcore.

"I think I will stand." I told her.

"Suit yourself." She sat down and looked up at me. "What is the deal?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." I said.

"Mer."

"I don't know what more he wants from me! I mean we live together, we have sex, I don't sleep around, I don't even look at other guys!" I ranted.

"Are you blind Meredith?" Cristina asked.

"What?" I asked.

"He wants to marry you." She said.

I blinked a couple of times trying to process that little tidbit. My legs suddenly felt weak and I ended up sitting on the bed next to her. I would bleach my clothes later.

"He has never said anything to me. How do you know that?" I asked her.

"He told me. And he hints at it all the time Mer, I just honestly think you don't want to see it." She said, glancing at me sideways.'

"But it's..it's…marriage." I sputtered. "That's so permanent."

"Yeah that is kind of the point."

"I don't know if I ever want to get married." I told her.

"You don't know if you ever want to get married, or you don't know if you ever want to get married to Mark?" She asked.

I glared at her.

"Just for clarification." She said.

"What does it matter?" I asked.

"I remember several years ago when we were in high school, summer before senior year I believe, where Derek told you he couldn't wait to marry you and you replied that you felt the same way. And you doodled Mrs. Derek Shepherd on your journal over and over again."

"What's your point?" I hissed between clenched teeth. She knew I hated his name being mentioned.

"My point is you didn't seem to mind the permanence of marriage when it was with him." She said.

"Shut up." I said.

"No. I am going to say this because I am your friend and I do love you, more than anyone else in this world including Owen. You go through the motions, every day. You work, you take care of Mia, you smile, you laugh, you joke, just like everyone else. And for those of them that don't know you, that is perfectly normal. But for those of us who do, such as Mark and I, you are like an actress playing the part of a lifetime. You used to have such a light about you and the only time I see it now is when you are with Mia."

"She is my child!" I protested.

"Yes and you love her so much. You are a great mother. She is also the only part of Derek you have left. So, I get it, really, I do, but damn it Meredith, you are going to lose him. He is a good man, who loves you."

"You think I don't know that? I love him too." I said.

"Do you? Do you love him like you loved Derek?"

I glared at her again and decided I had had enough. I got up to leave and was surprised that she yanked me back down.

"I am not done." She said.

"Yeah, well I am." I informed her.

"You don't leave until I say you can. I am not done! Answer the question."

"No, I don't. I don't love Mark like I love him. I love him differently."

She looked me dead on and smiled but not in a happy way, in a more frustrated way.

"Don't you mean loved Derek?"

"That's what I said."

"No, you didn't. You said love, present tense."

"I didn't mean it that way, but I do have his daughter so a part of me will always love him. Do you know that I barely think of him anymore? I don't. Instead I think of Mark and something he said to me that was funny. Or Mia and how smart she is. Or a patient that I helped. I am getting over him and if it is not fast enough for you or Mark then I am sorry. I am a lot slower to trust these days and I have a perfectly good reason why that is. I am not scared to marry Mark because I don't love him, I am scared because I am afraid to trust him."

"Give me one reason you can't trust Mark? Mark didn't leave you. Mark wants you forever. He has helped raise your daughter. He has earned the right to be trusted."

"You think I don't know that? That I don't know that he deserves better than me? He knew what he was getting when he stuck around. I didn't lie to him or lead him on. And now he wants to change everything, and I need time to process it. So, give me some damn time!"

"You have had seven years! How much time do you need?" Cristina yelled.

"Longer than that apparently." I said sarcastically. "What would you do if Owen walked out on you? If he told you that he doesn't want you anymore, that he doesn't love you? What if he left you pregnant and your child didn't have her biological father?"

"It would suck." She finally said after a minute of silence.

"Yeah, it would suck. It does suck."

"Yeah but you are one of the lucky ones. You have great friends, great job, great kid and a great boyfriend. Most people would give their right arm for what you have." She said.

"You would?" I asked.

"No, not me. I am a surgeon. I need my arms attached." She teased.

I smiled.

"I know I am lucky. I don't take Mark for granted. I am so happy to have him in my life. But marriage isn't something I have been thinking of and it took me by surprise. I am not one of those girls who needs a marriage certificate to be happy with her life. Are you?"

"No, I am not. It is a piece of paper. But I think Mark is one of those people." She said gently.

"I think I am going to go talk to him."

"Do you know where he is?" She asked.

"If I had to guess, I would say he was at the ferryboat pier." I hugged her. "Thank you. I love you too, you know?"

She extracted herself.

'Yeah, Yeah." She waved it off.

I opened the bedroom door to find three very interested people at it. Izzie hid the glass behind her back quickly.

"You guys are nosy freaks." I said with affection.

"Are you okay?" George asked.

"Nope, but I will be." I said.

* * *

"Hey."

He didn't look at me, instead focusing on the water. I sat down next to him.

"Is this always going to be an issue with us?" I asked.

"I could ask you the same question." He said.

"Why don't you try telling me what is up your ass instead of letting it build up and explode everywhere. I swear it's like you have chronic diarrhea." I huffed.

He looked at me then, with a disgusted look on his face.

"Sorry. Occupational hazard."

"It's like you don't hear me or see me. I just am." He said.

"How so?" I asked, still confused.

"It's like I am a piece of furniture in the house. You like it, you don't want to see it go, but if it did, you would just buy another one."

"Are you comparing our relationship to furniture?"

"Fine, it is like I am an appendix. You don't really need it…"

"This is the weirdest conversation I have ever had." I muttered. "Will you stop comparing yourself to inanimate objects and body parts and just spit it out." I said.

"See that is what I mean. It's like you can't be bothered." He yelled.

"That is not true. Just get to the fucking point so I can tell you that you are being absurd, and we can get out of this drizzling rain and go home."

"I want to marry you!" He screamed.

"Why didn't you just say so?" I said casually.

"I have."

"When?"

"That one night when I said that spring is a great time for a wedding."

"We were at a wedding. I thought you were commenting on that." I said,

"What about the time when I said that I thought that you would look pretty in a white dress?"

I just looked at him until his shoulders slumped.

"You may have a point." He said.

"I know I have a point." I laughed. "Do you want to marry me because you believe in marriage and have a problem with how we live now, or do you want to get married just to be married?"

"I don't know." He replied honestly.

"I think it is important for you to know before we take that step, don't you? To me it's a piece of paper. It doesn't dictate how I feel about you, it won't make me love you anymore than I already do, it is just a paper with writing on it. It might as well be a post it as far as I am concerned."

"Would you have married him?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered honestly. I felt rather than saw him cringe. "But I was eighteen. Things change, people change, goals and values change. Love changes. Everyday things change."

I looked out at the water, softly sloping against the shore.

"Look if you want to revisit this marriage thing in a year or two, we can. I am not saying no, I am saying not right now, for these reasons."

He looked me full on and nodded.

"I think I can live with that." He said.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good. Now, can we go home?"

"Yeah." He extended his hand to me and I took it.

* * *

**How are you guys feeling about the story so far?**


	13. SuperBoy

_Book One, Chapter Twelve: _SuperBoy

"I think I am going to be sick."

I looked at Mark in concern. He did look a little green.

"What's wrong?" I asked, automatically checking his forehead for a temperature.

"Karev just asked me for a consult." He informed me.

"And?" I encouraged.

His voice dropped to a whisper. "Down there." He pointed to his groin area.

"It's called a penis." I told Mark.

"I know that! But I mean there is friendly, and then there is_ friendly_." He emphasized.

I rolled my eyes. _Men_.

"And what is wrong with his penis? A woman got mad and Lorena Bobbited it?"

Mark shrugged.

"I am not sure, which is why I need to you to go take a look. Once he whipped it out, I bailed."

I chuckled.

"Okay, lead the way."

He indicated the exam room two doors down from where we were standing and I made my way over to it and opened the door.

Alex was lying on the bed, towel covering midsection, arms covering eyes.

"Dude, where the fuck did you go? I have my junk out here." He complained.

"And that is such a nice mental image. Luckily for me, I get to actually see your junk." I said sarcastically.

Alex bolted up.

"Oh hell no! Sloan!" He looked accusingly at Mark.

"Dude, there are boundaries." Mark said.

"So, you want your girlfriend to look?" He asked.

"Better than me."

"Just let me see it, so I can bleach out my brain and move on." I demanded, quickly losing patience.

Alex flopped back onto the bed. "Make it quick."

"Oh, don't worry." I walked over to him and gingerly moved the towel and examined his penis quickly. I then covered it back up calmly.

"Okay, all done." I told him.

He sat up.

"So what is it?" He asked.

"I am very sorry to inform you, but you have syphilis. Bet you're regretting that last drink right now, huh?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"Oh God." He groaned.

"I will be right back." I told him.

"What are you going to do?" He asked.

"I am going to ask to borrow Nurse Debbie's camera, telling her that you have a venereal disease, then I am going to take a picture of your junk and plaster it all over the intern locker room like you did to Izzie seven months ago." I deadpanned.

"No!" He protested.

"Relax. I will be right back."

I quickly slipped into the supply closet and gathered what I would need.

"What are you doing?" Cristina asked, stopping in the doorway; Izzie right behind her.

I hesitated briefly.

"I have an interesting case. Wanna see?" I asked.

"Is it surgical?" Cristina asked.

"No."

"Then why do I want to see?"

"Oh…believe me, you want to see this." I laughed.

They followed me into the room where Alex was lying on his side. Mark's eyes widened and he choked back a laugh.

"What is wrong with Evil Spawn?' Izzie asked.

Alex sat up quickly and jumped off the bed.

"What the fuck Grey? This is not show and tell!" He yelled, forgetting he was half naked.

"What the hell is wrong with your penis?" Cristina asked, leaning closer for a look.

"Syphilis." I said casually.

"I am so glad you couldn't get it up for me." Izzie said.

Mark laughed loudly.

"Dude! You couldn't get it up for Stevens? She is a supermodel! Hell, they have drugs for that."

"Not helping." Alex said.

"Okay I am ready to be done with this." I announced. I looked at Alex. "Bend over."

"What? No!"

"Do you want it to fall off?" I asked.

"No. No, I really don't want that." He closed his eyes in embarrassment and turned around, bending over.

"What are you complaining about? You have a cute butt." I said.

"It's smooth. Kind of like a baby's." Izzie cooed.

"Kill me now." Alex groaned.

"Oh shut up Syph Boy." I demanded, readying the syringe.

"Ooh, I like that. Syph Boy, like Super Boy, only diseased." Cristina quipped.

"Okay, ready?" I asked.

"I hate needles." He said.

"Good thing you became a surgeon then." I said.

I injected the penicillin neatly into both of his ass cheeks and stepped back.

"All done, you big baby."

He pulled his pants up, grumbling the whole time and glared at his as he stormed out.

We all laughed loudly, leaning on each other to keep from falling down.

Mark looked at us bemusedly.

"That was so wrong." He chastised. "Would you have done that to me?"

"If you had syphilis, I would kill you, so no." I smiled sweetly.

"Message received." He said.

"Good." I walked over and patted his cheeks. "You did good. I haven't laughed that hard in months."

"What the hell are you all doing in here?" Bailey demanded. "Have orgies on your own time. Meeting in Conference room 4 in twenty minutes. Be late and I will kill you."

"What's it about?" Cristina asked.

"You'll see." She smirked.

* * *

Twenty-five minutes later we were all in a room with Chief Grant.

"Three interns, four residents and six nurses on this surgical floor have been diagnosed with...syphilis."

His assistant, Susan, piped in with, "There are over 70,000 new cases every year. Undiagnosed, syphilis can lead to blindness, insanity and death."

"If you are having unprotected sex with another member of the staff, get tested now! This is not a request." He paused. "Now, Susan will give you a safe sex demonstration."

Susan stands up holding a condom and a banana.

"This banana is also known as every man's fantasy. Most don't add up." She said wryly. "When the time is right, and, gentlemen, you'll all know when that time is, carefully open the condom packet and roll it onto the banana…"

To this day, I still have no idea how I kept a straight face…I only knew I was so glad that I was in a monogamous relationship.

I vowed to go home and make Mark just as glad.


	14. Temptation

_Book One, Chapter Thirteen: _Temptation

"Here's to making it through our first year intact." I toasted.

We were all at Joes: Mark and I, Cristina and Owen, Izzie, Alex and George, celebrating our rousing success at kicking the intern test's ass. Well, not Owen, but he insisted on coming and buying our drinks…hell yeah!

"Mostly intact. Syph boy." Cristina coughed.

"Okay enough about that!" Alex complained.

"You started a venereal epidemic. That is something to be proud of, my man." Mark joked.

"Okay, enough with the Syph jokes. Dude is clean, for now. And he has lots of condoms." I said.

"Yeah, a locker full." Alex shook his head.

I kinda sorta thought it would be funny to buy the mega pack of Magnum's from Sam's, it was like a hundred pack or something, and stick them in his locker. Alex opened it, they poured out, hilarity ensued…good times…

I just grinned at him.

He glared at me and then laughed. We were cool.

"Jenny have Mia tonight?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah." I smiled. Izzie loved Mia and spoiled her rotten every chance she got. Izzie confided in me that she had given her daughter up for adoption when she was sixteen and was proud that I made it to be a doctor and still take care of Mia like she deserved. I pointed out to her that I had Mark and my family and money and that made all the difference. I admired her for giving her child the life Izzie knew she couldn't give her.

"When do I get to keep her overnight?" Cristina asked.

"No." Mark said.

"I am not going to corrupt her Sloan. I just want her to have proper priorities."

"Her priorities are just fine." Mark said.

"Izzie gets to keep her." Cristina pointed out.

"Izzie takes her shopping and paints her nails; she doesn't show her bloody surgery tapes." He stated.

"Mer does that at home." Cristina said.

I shot her a look.

"What? You show her your mom's surgery tapes?" He asked.

"Yes. She wants to watch them, and I see no problem with it." I defended my actions hotly.

"It is not appropriate for a seven-year-old to watch those." He exclaimed.

"It is if I say it is." I said. I was not backing down from this.

"We will talk about this later." He sighed, taking my hand. I resisted pulling away from him. He was just looking out for her and I understood that, but we had to have some common ground while raising her.

"So…what is everyone doing for vacay?" Izzie asked, changing the subject.

"I am staying put." Alex said. "Solidifying my place as The Ladies Man."

"Ugh. Owen and I are going to Canada." Cristina said.

"Ugh? You don't want to go?" I asked.

"No, Ugh to Alex and his barfarific comment. I want to go to Canada." She clarified.

"Izzie and I are going to California." George said.

We all looked at them in surprise. Gizzie? Talk about ugh.

"Not like that! We just didn't want to stay home." Izzie said quickly. George shuddered. I didn't blame him. I adored Izzie but fucking her could put you into sugar shock.

"What about you two? Any plans?" George asked.

"We are leaving Sunday to fly to Boston and see my mom and step-dad. Then on the way back we are going to see my dad in Port Angeles. Then we are spending six days doing nothing." I said.

"Absolutely nothing. We aren't even going to wear clothes since Mia is staying with Thatcher for four days. Nothing but sex and eating." Mark sighed contentedly.

"Can I go with you?" I asked Cristina.

"Shut up, you know you love it." Mark said, nudging me.

"Yes, almost as much as I love to walk." I shot back.

Everyone laughed.

"We are going to be second year residents. With interns. We will be in charge." Izzie said.

"Yes our very own interns to torture. Can't wait." Cristina said eagerly.

"They are not ours to abuse. They are going to be terrified. It is our job to lead them and make them better doctors." I said.

"While we torture them. I am going to be the new Nazi." Cristina said proudly.

"There is only one Nazi, Yang, and it is not you. It's me. Haven't you fools realized that yet?" Bailey said, sitting down at our table. "That being said, you all did a great job. You were the interns to beat. Now I want you to be the doctors to beat. Don't get lazy now. You have a long road ahead of you. Make me proud."

We all nodded emphatically.

"Good. Have a great seventeen days off." She nodded at Owen and headed to the bar.

"Wow. She likes us." I said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, you should see how she treated the interns she hated." Owen said.

"All this time, I thought she hated our guts and I complained to you about it and you couldn't have said something then?" Cristina barked at him.

"Wasn't my place to say anything. Plus, a healthy dose of fear is good for you." He said.

"I will show you fear like you have never known Hunt." She hissed.

"Looking forward to it." Owen grinned at her.

"On that cue, I am going to leave." Alex said.

"Alone?" I asked, pretending to be shocked.

"Yes, alone. Unless…" He shot a look at Mark. "Never mind." He said.

"Thanks for the drinks Hunt." He said before leaving.

"Bye Alex." We all yelled. He waved behind him to show us he heard over the noise in the crowded bar.

I looked at Mark. "We should go too. I have to get some sleep and then pack for three people."

A chorus of 'Byes, have fun, buy me something, say Hi to your mom' followed us as we left the bar.

I slipped my arm in Mark's and leaned closer to him. "I could sleep for a week."

"Let's go home then and get some rest." He said.

* * *

"Have you decided on a specialty yet?"

I looked at my mom. She was sitting in her den, Mia sleeping on her lap. Mark, Jackson, and Richard had went fishing and that just left us girls at home.

"Not yet. I am still exploring options. I like Neuro." I said.

She nodded.

"Not following in my footsteps then?" She asked, her expression rueful.

"Probably not. Is that okay?" I asked, desperately wanting her approval, even at twenty-three.

"Yeah, it's okay. You became a doctor and I know that it was as much for me as it was for you. And you did it while nurturing a relationship and raising a child. That is more than I was able to do." She said.

"But you did. You and Richard are still happy, and Jackson is doing great." I told her, confused.

"I didn't try hard enough with your father and I am sorry for that. I feel like I failed you."

Oh, wow. I was astounded. I never knew my hardcore mother had ever second guessed her decisions.

"You did the best you could, and you are happy now."

"But you weren't…not for a long time. I feel that I should've have sacrificed my happiness for yours, like I know you would do for Mia in a heartbeat. You deserved better and I am sorry." She said, tears glistening her eyes.

"It's okay. I was loved. I had both of you, eventually. If there hadn't of been Richard, there wouldn't have been a Jackson. I can't imagine my life without him in it. And Dad is okay. You both loved me in different ways, but I was always loved." I told her.

She sniffed. "Thanks for saying that. I think I needed to hear it. I am proud of you Meredith. You have no idea how much."

"And I needed to hear that." I told her tearfully.

"Why don't you, Mark and Jackson go out tonight. Get away from us old folks. Mia will be fine with us."

"I would like that, thank you."

"Anytime, Meredith. Anytime."

* * *

"This bar is crowded beyond belief." I exclaimed. We had barely managed to get a table and I only think we got it because Jackson winked and slipped the hostess a fifty. What a charmer.

"It always is. I met my girlfriend here." He said.

"You have a girlfriend! Where is she? I want to meet her. If I don't approve you have to dump her." I announced.

Jackson laughed.

"Ams is great. You will love her. Her family lives in Connecticut but she is here for school. Her brother and sister are visiting so you won't be able to meet her this trip."

"So, you have classes together?" I asked.

He chuckled.

"Yeah, she tripped right over a guy's foot and landed right in my lap. The minute I looked into her eyes, I knew I never wanted to let her go."

"That is sweet in an I-am-going-to-lose-my-supper kind of way, but sweet." I said.

"That is awesome Man." Mark said. "It is nice to be sure, isn't it?" He looked at me lovingly and I smiled.

"Now I am going to lose my supper." Jackson said. "You two ready to go?"

"Yeah. I am just going to go to the restroom. Meet you by the door."

They nodded and went to settle the bill. I quickly went into the restroom and then out again. I stepped out into the hall and tried to remember which way to go.

I froze.

The curly dark hair is what stopped me in my tracks. The height was the same, the build but the hair…

_Turn around._

_Don't turn around._

I didn't know what I wanted at the moment. If it was him, was I ready to face him, to tell him about Mia?

No. I decided. He left me.

I turned around and walked away from temptation. I had a life, a good life. I had Mia. And I had a man who had stuck by and hadn't abandoned me.

It probably wasn't him anyway.


	15. Residents

_Book One, Chapter Fourteen: Residents_

"So, how've you been Dad?"

Thatcher and I were walking in the forest behind the house I had lived in with him. We had left Mark and Mia playing video games.

"I've been good. It's been quiet around here though."

"Retirement seems to agree with you." I said, really looking at him.

"It does. How is your Mom?" He asked.

"She is good. We had a great talk when I visited her. There were some things I really needed to hear from her and that she needed to hear from me. It was nice."

He just nodded. My dad was a man of few words and that was one of the things I loved most about him. I could just _be_ with him. So when he said the words, 'I need to talk to you', I knew it was important.

"What would you think if your old man moved to Seattle to be closer to you?"

"You're not old and I would be ecstatic." I told him sincerely. "Are you wanting to move in with us?"

"No. I am going to sell this house and buy a new one. Maybe do research part time."

"You're selling the house?" I was horrified. I had so many memories here.

"It isn't practical to keep it, Mer. I am moving to be closer to you and Bean. I don't need it."

"That makes sense, I guess."

We walked a little more.

"I think I saw him." I blurted out into the silent dusk.

Dad stopped and turned to look at me.

"Where?" He asked sharply.

"Boston." I whispered.

"Why do you think it was him?" He asked, resuming his pace alongside me.

"I _felt_ him. Not physically but…" I broke off and bit my lip. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"I take it you didn't tell Mark." He stated.

"No." I admitted. "I don't even have confirmation that it was him. I didn't see his face, I just…know."

"What did you do?"

"I walked away, decided it didn't matter. I walked away just like he did all those years ago."

"Do you regret that decision?" He asked.

"I have been asking myself that same question and I don't really think that I do."

He nodded in understanding.

"You have a new life, a good life. You have a job you love and that you were born to do, you have Mia and you have a good man in Mark. You could do a lot worse than him."

"Do you ever wish you would have gotten remarried?" I asked.

He looked surprised at the question.

"Sometimes. I got lonely here and there after your mom left but when you moved in with me, I didn't need anything else but you. You were my life. You still are. But you are grown up and you have moved out and it is just me now. I miss the companionship but then again your mother was never great at that part." We shared a smile. That she wasn't.

"When is the last time you went on a date?" I asked.

He looked horrified at the question.

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey!"

"What? It's not as if I asked when you last got laid."

I thought he was going to have a heart attack. I broke down in giggles.

"We are never going to have that conversation ever."

"Oh why not? I remember very clearly the conversation we had when I was sixteen." I pointed out.

"I caught you making out with the boy in his car in my driveway. His hand was up your shirt!"

"I know, my first time getting felt up and you ruined it." I mocked.

Now it was his turn to laugh.

"I am actually seeing someone now. But it is still early, and I am not ready to introduce you to her."

"Gee thanks Dad." I told him.

"I don't mean it like that. I just met her a month ago and it is still new. What about you and Mark? You thinking of getting married? You have been shacked up for long enough." He said, deflecting the attention off of him. It worked.

"You too?" I groaned.

"Is it so bad, the thought of marrying Mark?" He asked.

"No. Not really. I am just not ready for that kind of commitment."

"Not ready for the commitment or the commitment to him?"

I answered him with silence and as always, he didn't push.

* * *

**_August 2, 2013_**

"Don't bother sucking up to me, I already hate you. I have five rules memorize them…"

My interns looked at me with dreaded looks on their faces. God, I loved this already. I looked over and saw the others with identical glints of glee in their eyes. We were the bosses now.

"Any questions?" I asked when I finished my spiel.

A dark haired girl raised her hand hesitantly.

"You said five rules, you only gave us four…" She trailed off in fear.

"When I move you move." I said and then looked expectantly at my pager…. the pager that didn't go off.

The interns looked at me and then at each other.

"Dr. Grey?" A guy asked.

"Shut up! Follow me." I said grudgingly.

"How the hell did she make that shit look so easy?" I muttered.

* * *

"You did good today Dr. Thompson."

She smiled at me gratefully as we finished updating the patient's family.

"Thanks."

"You have an excellent bedside manner and believe me when I tell you that it will take you far. Talent is only a fraction of it. You have to make a patient and their family comfortable and a good attitude goes a long way with the nurses. For instance, Mark and Alex made a derogatory statement towards one once and let's just say that they avoid her at all costs to this very day." I laughed.

"Mark? Alex?" She asked.

"Oh, sorry. Dr. Sloane and Dr. Karev."

"Yeah, Dr. Karev slapped my ass today." She said.

I raised an eyebrow.

"He had syphilis. Stay far, far away. Trust me." I told her.

She shuddered.

"Duly noted." She paused. "And Dr. Sloane?" She looked at me from the corner of my eye.

"No syphilis, I am very grateful to say." I smiled.

"Why grateful?"

"If he had brought that shit home to me…" I trailed off, but she knew what I was saying.

"Oh! You two…and you…wow." She said.

"Yeah we have been together since I was eighteen. What about you?" I don't know why but I liked this girl.

So much for looking like a bad ass.

"No, I don't have a boyfriend. Medical school, you know…"

"Yeah, I do know. Doesn't leave much time for a life does it? I don't know how I got through it with my relationship intact and my daughter alive."

"You have a daughter?" She asked.

"Yeah, Mia. She's great." Something caught my eye. "Speaking of the devil herself." I said indicating Mia to Dr. Thompson, "There she is with my dad."

She had frozen.

"Your dad?" She said in a strangled tone. I looked at where she was looking. I just saw my dad talking to Susan, the Chief's secretary who had done the sex ed speech.

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

"That woman, that he is talking to…"

"Yeah, Susan. She is the Chief's…"

"Secretary. Yes, I know. She is my mom."

"Really? Huh. Small world."

"It gets even smaller." She said. "Your dad is my mom's boyfriend."

"Say what?" I asked, dazed.

"They met when her car broke down outside of your dad's house a couple of months ago. They hit it off right away and he just moved here to be closer to his daughter…" She looked at me worriedly.

I fell over in laughter. This was way too funny. My dad is dating my intern's mother. And judging by the way he was looking at her mom, it was looking like I would have a new sister, and soon.

She joined me in relief, catching the attention of our parents. Dad looked really worried suddenly.

He made his way over to me.

"Meredith." He said nervously. Susan followed him.

"Mom!" Mia flew towards me and hugged me tightly.

"Hey Spider Monkey," I greeted her. "Did you have fun with Grandpa today?" I asked. I was ignoring my dad, letting him stew for a moment. It was good for him.

"Yeah! He took me shopping for school clothes."

"He did. Awesome. I am glad you had fun."

"Mark!" She was off and running.

I watched her fondly and then turned back to my dad and his girlfriend.

"You have some splaining to do." I told him in a fake Spanish accent.

"I see you met Lexie." He said.

"Hi." She said softly to him.

"Is that your name?" I asked in confusion.

She laughed.

"Yes."

"She is my intern." I told him.

"Oh! Really? That's…nice." He said.

"Yes, isn't it? You know what else is nice? Having her tell me that my dad is dating her mom. That is very nice too." I said with fake sweetness.

He at least had the decency to look ashamed.

"I can explain." He said.

"Are you ashamed of me? I mean just because I am Ellis Grey's daughter doesn't mean I am a bitch…" I teased.

"Your mom is Ellis Grey?" Lexie asked loudly.

"Yes. Not really the point though." I said sparing her a glance. She nodded and slammed her mouth shut. I turned back to my dad.

"So what's the deal?"

"It happened so fast and she lives here, and I love her, Mer." He said, sharing a soft glance with Susan.

"Then why didn't you just tell me that instead of saying you were moving here for me and Mia. Just tell me that you were in a serious relationship. I am a big girl. I can handle it." I admonished.

"You were a big part of the reason. You know that. I had made the decision to move before I met Susan but then it was just icing on the cake, so to speak."

"Speaking of cake, when is the wedding?" I asked bluntly.

His eyes widened, as did Susan's and Lexie's.

"How did you know?" He asked.

"I didn't, but I do now." I said smugly. "Congratulations." I nodded to my dad and Susan. I then looked at Lexie. "Welcome to the family. Now, go find another resident. I can't teach my sister. I am going home now." I turned to my dad. "Thanks for keeping Monkey. You and I are going to have a long talk later."

What a difference a day makes…


	16. Happy Birthday

_Book One, Chapter Fifteen: Happy Birthday_

**_May 23, 2019_**

"…Happy Birthday to you…"

Mia eyed all of us who were singing with a pained expression on her face. I could tell she was resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Fourteen years of age today. Where in the world had the time gone? On May 23, 2005, I had held a little pink baby in my arms for the first time and now she was growing into a stunningly beautiful woman with an attitude that screamed 'bad ass'. Really, she was just snarky, much like Cristina. Mark said that it was from us, meaning him, breaking down and letting Cristina take her when she wanted. I remembered the day that Cristina had brought her back home from her first overnight stay with her. Mark still has heart palpitations thinking about it. She had blond highlights and black fingernail polish on. Wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of been eight. I smiled softly thinking about it.

"What is that look for?" Mark murmured.

"Just thinking how grown she is." I said, looking sideways at him. At thirty-two, he was better looking than ever and was a great plastic surgeon. Woman from all over came to see him and he brought great business in for Seattle Grace. Bailey, now the Chief of Surgery, tolerated him for that very reason. Me, she loved because of Mia. I looked ruefully to where she was telling Mia about a surgery she had performed yesterday. Mia was enraptured. She was all about the medicine. Cristina was sitting in Owen's lap, whispering what I imagined was very naughty things in his ear. They had been together for almost nine years and he was bringing her around to the idea of marriage. Slowly.

Not that I could talk. Mark and I had tabled that discussion long ago. I lived by the motto that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. He didn't agree but let it go. That is one of the many things I loved about him. He didn't hover or push. Just like my dad.

Speaking of which, he and Susan still acted like newlyweds. It was gross to be perfectly honest but in a sweet way. Turns out that Susan had two daughters. I loved both. Lexie was a great surgeon and Molly was a great mom of a little girl named Laura. Mia babysat frequently.

Mark and Lexie, however, did not get along…at all. They sniped at each other every chance they got. It was like being the referee in a WWE wrestling match. They were currently on opposite sides of the room.

Izzie was leaning forward laughing with her boyfriend, Denny. That was a scandal in itself. I am surprised that Bailey wasn't throwing death glares at them. Denny had been a patient last year and had taken an instant liking to Izzie and the feeling had been mutual to say the least. He had been admitted for a heart transplant and after two failed attempts was at Death's Door. Enter Izzie and her supremely stupid idea that involved stealing a heart from a patient ahead of Denny on the list. An idea that we all helped with. Who was I to stand in the way of true love and soul mates? It worked, Denny lived, Izzie was suspended, and they all lived Happily Ever After. Whatever. They would be getting married soon, mark my words. How did I know? It might have been Izzie saying, 'hey guys, I am getting married soon, pick out a dress.'

George had enlisted in the Army, much to our disdain. We had all been very pissed at Owen for a while as he was George's inspiration. He was a trauma surgeon stationed in Iraq at the moment but had taken the time to call Mia this morning and he had sent her a beautiful gold necklace with her name spelled in Arabic. It was proudly displayed around her neck right now.

Alex had pined for Izzie, as they had tried to have a relationship. She ended it when she met Denny, but he had moved on and was playing the field. I hope he finds someone soon. But whatever made him happy. And apparently one of those things was Pediatric Surgery. I know, surprised the hell out of me too.

Mark hissed beside me. I looked at him in confusion but when my eyes followed to where his were locked, I understood.

Jake.

I bit my lip to hide my smile. Jake was Mia's 'boyfriend'. Mark hated him. I could understand that if Jake had been cruel, spiteful and sullen, but he was always smiling and happy and he adored Mia. Mark just didn't want her seeing boys. I know that thirteen is too young to be dating and they didn't date. They hung around each other at school and at each other's homes under the watchful eye of their parents. Sometimes the eyes, Mark's in particular, were even evil.

I had reminded him once that a boy is why Mia was here and that he too had been a boy once. That didn't help and so I gave up and just demanded that he mind his manners in front of Jake. He made Aves happy and as long as he continued to do so then I had no objections.

Oh, and did I mention Jake just turned sixteen? Yeah…Mark really hated that part.

I knew they weren't having sex, so that probably helped too. Mia was always very open with me. She said that she wanted to wait until she was older and more mature to make a decision of that magnitude. Did I mention she was smart too?

"Stop it." I admonished.

"Can we open presents now?" Mia asked, ripping her attention away from Jake long enough to address me.

"Sure." I smiled.

She made quite the haul. She had gotten a pair of diamond and emerald earrings from Izzie and Denny, a gift certificate to Neiman Marcus from Alex, five hundred dollars from my mom and Richard, a set of scalpels from Cristina (I had looked at her in confusion for that one to which she replied, 'they are collectibles'), Dad, Susan, Lexie and Molly had chipped in for a four hundred dollar pair of shoes (What the fuck? Who pays that much for shoes?), Bailey had given her a piece of paper that told her that she was employed at the hospital for the summer (Mia had practically knocked Bailey over in thanks. She spent more time at the hospital than I did and that was saying something. At least now she would get paid for it.), and then she opened up the gift from us.

I had thought long and hard about her gift and Mark was finally in agreement that she was mature enough.

Mia looked up after reading the card. She was stunned.

"I can go?" She asked.

I nodded.

She hugged me so tightly that I thought I would suffocate. She then hugged Mark.

"I can't believe you caved." She said.

Mark grumbled beside me. He was less enthusiastic about her gift than she was.

We were allowing her to go to Colorado with Jake and his family in a month. At first when she asked, we had answered with a resounding and firm 'no', but it had bothered me that I was depriving her of something she really wanted. She was stuck at the hospital or at home most of the time, not that she complained. She was amazingly non whiny for a teenager. She was a smart ass but was a great kid who made wonderful grades. I couldn't ask for a better kid. So, I had talked to Mark and then we had talked to Jake's parents and we had decided to let her go. The card had a check for five hundred dollars to be put with my mom's and a gift certificate to an outdoor store to get clothes and supplies for her skiing trip.

It was time to let her grow on her own some.

"My turn." Jake said, interrupting Mia squealing. She looked to him with shining eager eyes. She put her hand out for her present.

He rolled his eyes and then caught mine. He had discussed the present with me. I smiled in reassurance.

He knelt in front of her and I felt Mark tense beside me.

"I didn't know what to get you. You mean a lot to me and I lo…", he shot a look at Mark and cleared his throat. "like you a lot and you are very special to me. So, I had this made for you."

He opened the box and withdrew the charm bracelet. She gasped.

"This right here is a scalpel because you love surgery and are going to be a great doctor; and this is pair a of ballet shoes because you love to dance; this is a music note because you play the piano; this book is because you love to read; oh and this here, this is a sun because you make my life bright; and this last piece is a heart, my heart, because you own it. Thank you for being my girlfriend."

Mia threw her arms around him and sobbed into his neck.

Aw, young love. Ain't it grand?

If he dumps her at sixteen and leaves her pregnant and alone, nothing would stop me from ripping his limbs off and burning them.

Just saying…

* * *

"I am so glad you had a great birthday Baby." I whispered.

I was 'tucking' her into bed for the night. She still let me do that. It was our nightly ritual. I had only missed a few times while she was growing up.

"Sleep tight. I love you." I kissed her forehead and got up to leave.

"Mom?" She sounded nervous.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question and have you answer it honestly?"

"Of course. Why would I lie to you about anything?" I asked.

"Mom, you are still trying to convince me that Santa is real." She pointed out.

"And I still say you could pretend for me." I grumbled jokingly. "What is it? Is something wrong?"

"We are doing this project for school and they want to know…" She trailed off and took a deep breath. "I want to know about my father." She said decisively.

I sucked in a breath and held it. I had known this day would come.

I let out the breath and sighed.

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

"Everything you can tell me. Did you know much about him?" She asked.

"Yes. I dated him for two years." I told her.

"You did? I just thought that maybe he was just someone you had sex with once." She admitted.

"No. It wasn't like that. I loved your father very much." I told her honestly.

"Did he feel the same way?"

I didn't really know how to answer that. Back then I would say that yes, he had, but after all these years and no word from him I was forced to face that maybe he didn't.

"I don't know. I like to think that he did, at one time anyway."

"What happened?" She asked, snuggling into me as I leaned back against the headboard.

"One day everything was fine. We were happy and in love…and the next, everything went dark. He left me and never looked back." I said.

Mia gasped.

"Why?"

"I honestly don't know. He didn't give a reason."

_"You…don't…want…me?"_

_"No."__"You're not good for me, Meredith."__"Goodbye, Meredith."__  
_  
"Mom?"

I shook myself out of the memory at the sound of her voice.

"Sorry."

"Where did you go?" She asked.

"To the past. I don't know why. Maybe he met someone else, maybe I was holding him back, maybe he realized he didn't love me."

"Maybe he didn't want me." Mia bit her lip.

"What? No! He didn't know about you. I didn't know about you for a long time after he left. You are not the reason he left. Don't you ever think that." I hugged her tightly to me and my heart wrenched as I felt her hot tears flow down my neck. My own joined hers.

"Do you think he would have loved me?" She asked.

"Oh baby. Of course, he would've of. Everyone you meet does." I assured her.

"Do I look like him?" She asked.

"You have his hair. Not the color but the texture, the body in it. His eyes. They are exactly like his. And you do this thing where you cock your head to the side and smirk…that was all him. And his kindness."

"You are very kind." She said.

"Yeah, but he was much more charming about it than I was. He and Mark could make a nun blush." I smiled as I remembered.

"He knew Mark?" She asked in astonishment.

"Mark was your daddy's best friend. When he left, Mark was there to pick up the pieces."

"He's great. That is why I have never asked before now. I have everything I could ever wish for, so it is not as if I have been missing anything, Mom, so don't think that, okay? I am not deprived. You both are the best parents I could ever ask for. Did my dad have any family?"

"Oh yeah. He had four sisters. One of which was a really good friend of mine. His dad died when he was thirteen and his mom moved them to Port Angeles where she worked as a nurse at the hospital." I looked at my daughter who was totally concentrating on what I was saying. I decided to give her exactly what she wanted. "He liked coffee ice cream; his favorite color was blue. Not light blue, indigo. His favorite book was The Sun Also Rises. He tried to drink Scotch once and hurled everywhere. His mother's name is Carolyn. Her maiden name was Maloney. His sisters are Katie, Nancy, Mel and Amber, who was my friend. He had a scar on his forehead from where he stole his dad's motorcycle and wrecked it. Your grandmother was not happy. Um…he smoked a cigar once and I refused to kiss him for two weeks. His favorite band was the _Clash_. I hated them but he looked so carefree when he listened to them that I didn't have the heart to make him turn them off. He liked to fish. Thank God, Dad did too, and they could bond over it because I don't do worms and fish guts. He wanted to live on forty acres of land with a lake so he could fish anytime he wanted to. He was good in school, very smart. Played in the band. Sax. When I met him, he had acne and an afro. But thanks to me and Amber, we made him presentable. The day we met, I tripped over a book bag and went sprawling into his lap in biology class. He was my first kiss, my first…everything. He was my everything, until he wasn't." I said.

Mia looked at me in amazement, tears still glistening in her eyes.

"Wow." She breathed.

"Yeah, that's everything that I can think of. If I remember more, I will let you know." I got up to let her go to bed and to lock myself into my bathroom and soak in a nice hot bath and cry my eyes out after my trip down Memory Lane.

"Mom?'

I forced a smile.

"Yeah Baby?"

"What was his name?" She asked.

"Derek. His name was Derek."

* * *

"When will she be back?" Mark asked.

"Saturday at noon. Now will you shut up? I am trying to read."

"You are thirty-two years old. Those books are made for fifteen-year olds." He pointed out.

"Mia asked if she could read them and I am screening them." I said distractedly.

"Yeah, sure you are. It has absolutely nothing to do with the movies that go along with these books, right?" Mark drawled.

"Shut. Up." I said.

"Oh Edward. Make me a vampire." He mimicked.

My lips twitched as I fought a laugh. He hands blocked my reading. I looked up at him.

"What?" I asked, exasperated.

"I want attention." He pouted.

"Oh my god! What are you, five?" I complained.

"No." He retorted. "Hey, I have an idea." He suddenly said.

"Yeah?"

"How about you be this Bella chick and I will be this vamp and I bite you." He suggested.

Now, I really looked at him.

"Just remember, I bite back." I said, as I got up and ran up to our bedroom with him hot on my heels.

"I just made a coup of epic proportions." Bailey announced. "I have managed to secure an up and coming Neurosurgeon to compliment the already stellar Dr. Grey." She said nodding at me. I narrowed my eyes. That attending position was mine and then in two years, the Department Head title. I had worked my ass off, and I wasn't letting some transplant take it from me.

"Not only that, but his wife is a wonderful OBGYN and is, of course, coming with him. Two great minds in one deal. Sometimes I manage to amaze myself." She said to the crowded room. "They will be here in two weeks and I want everyone to make them feel welcome. And I do mean everyone." She warned. "Now go, cut people."

"I sense a competition brewing." Cristina said to me.

"Not possible. I am the best. He is going to learn things he never dreamed possible." I told her confidently.

If only I had known just what those things might be…


	17. Book Two Prologue

**This is the beginning of Book Two. Please comment and let me know your thoughts.**

* * *

_Book Two: Prologue – Derek's Point of View_

"Damnit!"

I paused in the act of brushing my teeth and listened to see if more rather…colorful…words would be coming out of Addison's mouth.

"Fuck it all to hell!"

Yep. There she goes. I spit into the sink and then chuckled. Lowly. Addie wasn't very comfortable in her surroundings at the moment.

And that was the understatement of the last TWO centuries.

After much discussion, we had decided to leave our practice in Manhattan and move across the country to Seattle. To Addie, it was an opportunity to work on our marriage. To me, it was coming back to the last place that had felt like home. One had a whole lot to do with the other.

Addie and I had been married for seven years. She was a wonderful, caring, vibrant woman and she loves me.

And I care for her. Deeply.

I sighed as I wiped the fog off of the mirror that was caused by the hot water running in the small sink. I looked long and hard at the man reflected in it. This man is very different from the man he used to be, the man he had wanted to be.

Before life had gotten in the way of his dreams.

"Derek! Have you seen my shoes?"

I rolled my eyes and exited the tiny bathroom and faced my wife. Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd.

"Do I look like I would know where your shoes are?" I asked, eyebrow raised.

She pursed her lips at me.

"Derek…" She said warningly.

"They couldn't have gone far, Addie. This place is not very big." I pointed out.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." She snorted.

"I told you that you need glasses in your old age." I teased.

She laughed and threw a granola bar at me.

"Thanks. How did you know I was hungry?" I taunted.

"Derek. Shoes. Now." She said.

"Yes, Dear." I walked through our tiny little trailer. It was a dream come true for me. Not the trailer in particular, but the land. I had always wanted a lot of land to call my own. My way of putting down roots. It happened later than I had originally intended, but I had finally made it happen. This trailer and forty acres, all mine. It had a cliff and a lake. Perfect. Well, almost.

There was something missing.

There always was.

"Why are you running?" Addie called after me.

"We're late." I pointed out.

"I know. I'm sorry. I thought I had unpacked them." She said sincerely.

"I know." I took her hand and pulled her along with me as we headed to Chief Bailey's office. I had made a good name for myself in New York, through patience and sheer drive. Addie was also one of the best in her field. The world was our oyster, but I wanted more, or rather, different. I wanted to leave the hustle and bustle of New York and move to the slower paced, albeit rainy, Washington. Addie was East Coast all the way, but she saw how much this meant to me and had acquiesced after several pleas from me. Also, I think she saw that I was not going to back down from this. I was more than willing to give her everything that she wanted, well everything that was within my power, but I wouldn't give in on this point. I needed to feel alive. I needed to feel close to the one place I had been happiest. It might not have been fair to Addie, but I had made my fair share of sacrifices for her as well, so we had compromised. We would move here, buy the land I wanted as long as we built a massive house on it for her.

Little did she know the trailer was staying.

I knocked confidently on Chief Bailey's door. It opened quickly. I looked…down…at a very petite woman. She was wearing dark blue scrubs and a white lab coat. Her hair was short, and she was looking up at me like I was one crayon short of the color box.

Probably because I was gaping at her.

She was not what I had imagined…at all.

"Hi. I am Derek Shepherd and this is my wife, Addison. Nice to meet you." I extended my hand.

She took it and shook it firmly and then did the same with Addie.

"Come in and have a seat."

Once we were settled, she began talking.

"I am very pleased you two made the move out here. We are happy to have you. I have had my eyes on both of your careers. I hope to see you both be department heads in the near future."

"Hope?" Addison asked.

Chief Bailey sighed.

"We have two wonderful surgeons here that would do a great job as well. You will both have to prove yourself to me as will they. I raised those babies. They were two of my interns and they have made me very proud. I want you to be happy here, but I can't just hand everything over to you on a silver platter." She explained.

"That's fair, Chief Bailey." I agreed.

"Great. Let's go meet the others. And please, call me…"

"Miranda?" I guessed.

She stared me down and I almost wanted to call my Ma.

"Guess not." I muttered.

"Bailey will suffice." She stressed.

Addie and I shared a look as we got up to follow her. This woman was hard core.

* * *

"Hi. I am Derek Shepherd, and this is my wife and neonatal specialist, Addison Montgomery Shepherd. We are very happy to be here, and I hope that we can all have a great working relationship. I know that I will be working with some of you more than others but look forward to getting to know you all."

Addison stepped forward, all red hair and Prada shoes. I saw several eyes go to her, several male eyes.

She was beautiful.

"What he said." She said simply, amid laughter.

I was chatting with Dr. Jim Nelson when I felt it.

The indescribable surge of energy, awareness and raw emotion that I hadn't felt in fifteen years. I heard a small gasp and I turned, slowly, my eyes immediately landing on the one person who I never thought I would see again. A familiar male was standing close to her, like he was going to protect her from everything bad in this world.

Our eyes locked, blue into green, for a split second.

Until hers rolled back into her head and she fell on a heap in the floor.

Welcome Home.


	18. Choices

_Book Two, Chapter One: Choices_

**_September 2004_**

"That is not even remotely funny!" I protested.

I was stuck, as I always was, with taking my sisters, Amber and Amelia, or Mel, as she preferred to be called to and from school. That used to be fine and dandy but then I met Mer and made her mine, and now it was just a nuisance.

"Yes, it is." Mel said, making kissy noises from the back seat. Meredith giggled beside me but never let go of my hand that she clasped over the gearshift.

"Oh Mer, you are so pretty, and your boobs are so big!" Mel continued in a deep voice.

"I do not sound like that!" I yelled to my fifteen-year-old sister. I begged my mom for a brother. No such luck. I had four sisters, count them, four. Kathleen, Katie as I called her, Nancy; no nickname, she was far too stuck up, Amber, who was Mer's best friend and was seventeen, and Mel, the irritating one.

And I was stuck completely in the middle. Derek Christopher Shepherd. I was sixteen, a senior in high school and had the most beautiful girlfriend in the world. We were going to get through school, graduate early, go to college together, get married, then med school and then have a couple of kids by the time we were thirty-five. We had it all planned out.

Since the day she fell into my gangly arms my first day of school here four years ago, I knew she was it for me. Whatever life through at me, I could make it as long as she was with me.

"Leave her alone. She just does it to get to you." She said gently.

"It's working." I mumbled.

She just laughed.

"Are you sure you can't come over?" I asked again.

"Sorry, it is my turn to cook and I have an English paper due. Tomorrow afternoon." She promised. I pulled into her driveway and put the car in park. I walked her to her door and leaned in for a kiss. She quickly obliged. Since last month when we had finally made love, we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. Our kiss turned really passionate, really quickly. My hand was just about to cup her ass when I heard…

"This is why it sometime grosses me out that my best friend dates my brother. Your hard on will be showing for hours. Can we please go home now?" Amber yelled.

"Cockblocker!" Meredith yelled at her.

That's my girl.

"See you tomorrow morning?" I asked.

"I'm driving tomorrow." She reminded me. Her dad loved me; he really did but sometimes he enforced the weirdest rules. Like Meredith had to drive to school two days a week without me.

She said it was his way of protecting her.

I say he knew I was having sex with his only daughter.  
_  
__Insert shudder.__  
_  
"Okay." I pouted.

"If you wipe that look off of your face, I will let you feel me up under the bleachers at lunch tomorrow." She offered.

Smile back in full force.

I gave her a quick kiss and then sprinted for my car.

Amber was now in the front seat.

"You are such a horndog." She said, with a raised eyebrow.

"Have you seen my girlfriend?" I joked.

"Yes. All of her." She taunted.

"So have I." I said. "Wait. What do you mean all of her? You mean, you two…" I trailed off suggestively. I am not sure if that would be hot or not. On one hand, girl on girl; on the other one of the girls was my sister…

"Like I said, horndog. I am just fucking with you DerBear."

"Don't call me DerBear."

"Can we get home? I am starving." Mel yelled.

"Can you stop yelling in my ear? Do you know any other volume?"

"No." She shrugged.

Eight more months. And then I was out of my estrogen hell.

I then made the decision to never say that in front of Mer.

Ever.

* * *

We came home to utter chaos. We all froze in the doorway and took in the mass destruction of our home. Tables were turned over, picture frames broken, couches slashed, the stuffing coming out of it. The television was busted.

"Wha…" Amber trailed off.

Only one thought penetrated.

"Ma! Ma? Where are you?"

"You two get in my car." They stood there looking dumbly at me. "Now!" They scurried out of the house. I raced through each room. I knew she was here; her car was in the driveway.

"Ma!"

I found her sitting in her bathroom, rocking back and forth. I knelt down next to her.

"Ma?"

No answer.

"Ma? Answer me." I pleaded.

She shook her head.

"You're scaring me. What happened? Ma? Look at me damnit!" I demanded.

She slowly raised her head and I gasped.

"Ma…"

She was bleeding from a head wound and blackness was beginning to form around her right eye.

"They found us." She whispered.

* * *

I sat on the massacred couch with my head in my hands, rocking back and forth just like Ma had done earlier. She was now pacing back and forth, and the girls were looking between the two of us, with worried expressions on their faces.

"What does this mean?" Amber asked.

Ma just kept chanting, 'they found us, they found us.'

"Who found us?" Mel asked.

Ma stopped pacing and looked at us. I looked up as I felt her hot panicked gaze as she looked at each of us.

"I…" She faltered.

"The people who killed Dad." I said monotonously.

"No!" Mel jumped up. "No, no, no!" She yelled.

Amber pulled her back down and wrapped her arms around her.

She looked at me and Ma.

"They did this? Why? How do they know…" She trailed off.

"I came home, early." Ma sat down on the chair. "When I entered the house, something didn't feel right. It was too quiet, too eerie. But I just chalked it up to all you kids being gone and I went to start dinner and I heard…" She swallowed hard. "I heard a noise in my bedroom, and I went to investigate. There was a man and he was going through my drawers, like he was looking for something. I must have alerted him to my presence…" She stopped.

"How do you know it was them?" I asked, breaking my silence.

"He…they told me. There were two of them. One even had a tattoo."

"Of a dagger." I finished.

"Yeah. They asked where my brats were. That they had some unfinished business with you."

Mel started crying.

"I told them to get away, to go away, and I would tell the cops to close the case. Just to leave us alone. They said that this was a warning and then they hit me. I heard them breaking things, but I just stayed still, I stayed put." She took a deep breath. "We have to leave. Tomorrow. We have to get out of here."

"What? No!" I yelled.

"They know where we live. Even if I close the case against them, who is to say they won't come after you or your sisters?" She asked.

"I can't leave. I won't. Not now, when I am finally happy."

"Stop being so selfish Derek!" Mel yelled. "Look at Ma. She is terrified for us and for herself. They are murderers and they know where we are."

"No. You leave. I will stay here and finish out my school year and then we will join you then." I decided.

"It's too dangerous." Ma said.

"I can take care of myself." I said.

"But can you protect Meredith?" She asked.

"What?" I asked.

"They know who she is. They said that you did well for yourself, with that pretty little girlfriend of yours. They said some more derogatory things but the gist of it is they are not above hurting her to get to you. You can end their freedom. You have seen them, Mel has seen them and now, I have seen them. They are desperate and they will kill whoever they have to in order to get what they want. Do you want that for her?"

But…

"I can't leave her Ma. I love her. I…we have this whole future planned. I just, I can't. Please don't make me leave her." I pleaded.

Tears glittered in my Ma's eyes.

"That is your decision Derek. But I have to take the girls and get out of here. You are sixteen and about to graduate. I can't stop you." She said with finality. "I am going to pack now."

She walked stiffly out of the room.

"Derek. You can't be serious." Amber said.

I looked at her helplessly.

"What do you want me to do? I love her Amber."

"I know. I do too. She is my best friend. But Derek, if they decide to, they will use her to get to you and you both could end up dead. You might be able to live with that, but I can't. Ma will be beside herself with worry if you stay here." She chastised.

"I can't leave her!" I yelled.

Mel shot up again and got in my face.

"You can't leave us! We are your family. We need you to protect us. That is your responsibility. Dad would want you to stay with us and protect Ma. We are your blood. Your blood Derek! You can't abandon us. I love Mer too but being around us right now would be dangerous for her. We all need to pack." She left the room in a hurry.

I felt Amber's eyes on me.

"You need to think about what you are going to tell her. I don't know if the truth would be good right now. Maybe later."

"I haven't decided yet." I said, my mind whirling.

She smiled sadly at me.

"Yes you have. Be kind to her Derek. This is going to hurt her." She said and then left me to myself.

I stood there numb for what felt like hours. I spotted our Junior Prom picture. Mer, in a beautiful white dress, and me, in a tux, so happy, so full of certainty of our future.

The future that apparently now didn't exist.

I took the picture and threw it against the wall as I screamed and cursed and threw a fit of epic proportions. The women left me to it, as if they sensed that I needed an outlet for my rage.

After I fell to the floor and wept.

My whole life was about to change.

And not for the better.

* * *

I pulled my car over and sobbed into my steering wheel.

It was done.

We were done.

I had broken up with her. I had left her, alone, in the woods. I had done everything I could do to make her hate me.

It was killing me.

I couldn't breathe.

All I could see was her face, her eyes.

She was in agony. Just like I was.

Only I had to hide it. I couldn't let her see it was devastating me.

Because then I would stay. I couldn't stay. My sisters and Ma had made me see it. I had to protect her. I had to keep her safe. If she died because of me then I would never be able to forgive myself.

This way, she could have a normal life. Find someone to love her…find someone to love.

I sobbed harder. That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be with her forever. She was supposed to be mine.

Forever.

Forever no longer existed for us, but I would love her for the rest of my life.

But she would never know that, because now, she would hate me for the rest of hers.


	19. Darkness

_Book Two, Chapter Two: Darkness_

**_December 24, 2004_**

Noises surrounded me; lights twinkled from a nearby Christmas tree displayed in a neighbor's window across the street, soft holiday music played from the nearby stereo, the loud voices of my family droned on nearby.

I didn't pay attention to any of it. Everything ceased to exist. Nothing mattered anymore. Not school, not home, not my family…nothing. I stared out of my window onto the snow-covered grounds of Connecticut. We had moved into my Grandma Maloney's house. She had left it to my uncle, but he had given it to Ma when she had moved back with us, knowing we needed it more. He wanted us to have a home.

I snorted inwardly. Home. What a crock of shit. My home was in Washington. With Mer.

Tears flooded my eyes, but I blinked them back. I didn't want to show weakness. I was the protector. Protectors don't cry.

"DerBear?"

I didn't look directly at her. Instead I stared at Amber from her reflection in the window. She was fidgeting in the doorway, her eyes full of sadness…always full of sadness. Sometimes I forgot that she lost Meredith too, but I could only concentrate on one person's sorrow at a time. And it was my turn.

"Dinner is ready." She said.

I still didn't respond.

"Please." She whispered. "You need to eat. You have lost weight. It's been three months."

My head whirled around to look at her.

"So? What the hell does that matter?" I growled.

She backed up a step.

"It doesn't. It's just like…it…"

"Spit it out." I demanded.

"It's like someone died." She finished.

"Maybe someone did." I replied.

She came into my messy bedroom cautiously, stepping over trash and books. Normally I was a tidy person, it used to drive Meredith crazy. I would go over to her house and clean up her bedroom. She called me anal. I smiled a little.

"What are you thinking about?" Amber asked.

"What?" I asked, my tone rough.

"You smiled. I never see you smile anymore." She pointed out.

"Not much to smile about." I told her.

"You didn't answer my question." She prodded.

"What?"

"You smiled. I want to know why."

"I don't want to talk about it." I locked my jaw.

"Why not?"

"Because it hurts! Every damn day it is the same shit. She is in my every thought. My dreams. My nightmares. She is everywhere, yet nowhere. I see a flash of blond in the hall and I think it is her. I almost chased down some poor girl last week. I hear a giggle and I look around, thinking, wishing, hoping it is her. But it's not and it never will be."

"This will be over one day and then you can look her up." Amber said optimistically.

"No, I can't." I said woodenly.

"Sure you can." She said.

"No I can't." I said distinctively.

"Why not?" She asked.

"I told her I didn't want her, okay? I told her she wasn't good for me and that I was done pretending that I loved her. Okay? Do you get it now? She hates me." I yelled.

Amber's expression froze to one of horror, her eyes and mouth wide.

"Derek, tell me you didn't." She pleaded.

"I did."

"Why would you do that?' She asked, clearly not understanding.

"I had to protect her. I had to end things…permanently."

"You didn't just end things, you destroyed her. How could you do that to her? You already knew she felt unworthy of you."

"I had to make her hate me. You know how stubborn she was." I said.

"Is."

"What?"

"Is. Not was. She is not dead." Amber pointed out.

"Feels like she is. I can't see her; I can't touch her ever again. I mourn her daily." I shrugged.

"Yeah, I know how that is. That is how we feel about you."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded, ready for her to leave so I could get lost in my memories of Mer again.

"We can't reach you; we can't talk to you, you don't talk to us. It is like you died." She said.

"Amber…"

"I will leave you alone Derek but know this. We are your family and we love you and we are not going to stand back and watch you destroy your future."

"I don't have a future without her." I said.

"You say that now. But one day you will move on just as you want her to."

"Who says I want her to move on?" I asked.

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't want her to be happy even if it was at your own expense." She sighed and got up. "Make sure you eat something, DerBear." She kissed me on the forehead and left me alone.

I turned back to the window, knowing that she was right. I wanted Mer to move on. I wanted her to be happy. I looked up at the moon and wondered if she was looking at it too. Wondered if she was admiring the beauty as it shone down on Earth. It was amazing to me that even thousands of miles apart, that the mere fact that we could both be looking at the same thing in the sky at the same time made me feel at peace. Like maybe we were connected, in some way.

I went to my bed and plopped down at it, burying my face in the pillow. It smelled like me. I could remember a time it smelled like Mer, but her scent had faded weeks ago. I remembered how her scent got on my pillow.

We had cut class early and had went to my house. I had two hours before I had to pick up the girls. I wanted to use it wisely.

And did we ever.

That was our first time together. It was the most beautiful moment in my life. I was surrounded by her in that moment, body and soul. We had waited for so long to make love knowing it was a decision that needed to be made maturely. I had initially wanted to wait until we were married until Meredith had pointed out that was at least six years away. I was a gentleman but that only went so far. So, in my full-size bed, we had consummated our love. Everyone always said that it was an awkward moment. Not with us. It was perfect, just like our love. Yeah, I had cum too quickly and she hadn't at all, but neither of us cared. It wasn't about that for us, it was about the connection.

The connection I had broken.

But she was safe.

That was all that mattered.

I prayed furtively to God, just like I did every night.

_Please let my girl be safe, be happy and please God, let her one day forgive me._

As always, that was my last thought.

* * *

"Get out of this bed right now!"

I groaned and burrowed under my covers even more. I had been riddled with nightmares last night. Nightmares where I reunited with Mer only to have the men who had killed my father, kill her right in front of me. I had woken up in a sweat, but it only solidified my decision to leave her in the first place.

"Go away." I muttered.

The covers were thrown back and I scowled at Nancy.

"Wipe that look off of your face right now." She sighed and sat down. "It's Christmas Derek."

"So?"

"Christmas. You used to love this time of year." She said softly. "Remember when Daddy would take us out and let us pick out a tree and then you and him would cut it down and drag it back home? Or when he would wake us up at two in the morning to open presents because he couldn't wait to see our faces when we did?"

"Yeah. I remember. I also remember the first Christmas without him and now this is the first Christmas in four years without…" I trailed off.

"Without Meredith." She finished.

I blinked back tears as a sorrow so harsh washed over me. My chest was actually hurting, which was ironic because something empty shouldn't hurt.

"I am so sorry Derek." She breathed as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

"I should be with her. I should be waiting for her to come over and I should be ripping off the wrapping paper on some corny gift and I should be seeing her roll her eyes at my cheesy gift to her. I should be stealing kisses when I think Ma isn't looking or copping a feel. But I can't. And I won't ever again, and it is killing me." I sobbed.

"Amber told us what you told her. I understand why you did it. I would have done the same thing in your shoes. The fact that you are keeping her safe, that you made the best decision for her, speaks volumes on how much you love her. If she knew why you did it, she wouldn't hate you Derek. She would love you for it."

"You think so?" I asked, sniffling.

"I do, but she would not want this. She would not want to see you destroy yourself. You have dreams, big dreams. Dreams that will never come true if you don't pull yourself together. Your grades are a joke, you look slovenly. I mean when is the last time you had a shower? Seeing you like this is hurting us all, especially Ma. She feels so guilty that you are going through this. You can't do this to her Derek. It's not fair and you know it." She chastised softly.

"I do know, but I just can't seem to help it. It's like I am being sucked into this vortex of darkness and I try to get out, but it just won't let me go." I sighed.

"Start off slow Der. Come down and open gifts and then eat lunch. Then take a break for a couple of hours and then come back down and mingle with the family a little. No one is asking for you to forget she ever existed…"

"That's what I told her. 'It will be as if I never existed.'" I said monotonously. I started breathing heavily. "We don't exist. There is no 'we' anymore." I looked imploringly at my sister. "I don't know if I can live in a world where she doesn't exist Nance."

"You don't have to. Just imagine that she is happy, whatever she is doing. Imagine that she is with her dad, maybe even her mom, and that she is opening gifts and singing horribly off key along with the Christmas carols blaring out of the radio. God, she couldn't sing for shit." Nancy laughed.

"No, she couldn't. But at least she could dance. I couldn't even do that." I said, smiling as the memory hit me.

"See? Remember the happy times and imagine her happy now. That is all you want for her, right?" She asked.

"Yes. I just want her to be happy." I reiterated.

"Okay. Now it is time to make the other women in your life happy." She hinted.

I looked at her and thought about all she had just said. Nancy and I were never particularly close, but I thought that after this, that just might change.

I nodded and then I got up out of bed and extended my hand out to her.

"Let's go downstairs, Nancy Pants." I said.

Her face screwed up into a scowl as she accepted my hand.

"I really really hate that name, DerBear." She growled.

I smiled a small smile at her.

"Yes, I know. Why do you think I did it?"

Her expression turned thoughtful.

"You know, you get more and more like Ma every day." She said and then scurried off.

"Take that back." I demanded, chasing after her but stopping at the top of the stairs.

"You have to catch me first." Her voice called back to me from downstairs, where the rest of my family was.

I walked over to my window quickly and looked up at the sky, focusing on the muted sun.

"Merry Christmas Mer. I love you."

I then turned away from my window and then from the safe haven of my room and trudged down the stairs towards the unknown. I didn't know how I was going to pick myself back up, I only knew I had to try for the five women that I owed my life too.

And I was going to start trying today.


	20. Solitude

_Book Two, Chapter Three: Solitude _

**_May 23, 2005_**

"…your journey will be riddled with mistakes and that is alright. This is the time for mistakes. You can't learn anything if you don't make them. So, let loose, have fun, fall in love…a lot. There will be time to get things right later. Congratulations to all of my fellow graduates. We made it!"

I listened with half an ear and stifled my snort at the words our esteemed valedictorian had spoken. What did he or anyone else know of mistakes or the sacrifice it took to do the right thing?

I had made it through the six months. It seemed like a blur and then, at other times, it seemed as if it dragged on forever. After my talk with Nancy, I had plastered a smile on my face and stumbled through each day. I had pulled my grades up and ended up graduating twentieth in my class. I had my scholarship to Columbia secured and would be moving to New York in August. I was relieved and apprehensive at the same time. Relieved because I wouldn't be scrutinized all the time by my family and apprehensive because I would know no one. I would be all alone.

Just like I deserved to be.

Columbia was where Mer and I were going to go. Part of me was praying that she would show up, just like we had planned. And then part of me hoped she had given up on that dream, given up on me, and was attending school somewhere else.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd."

I heard my name and I looked up. They were waiting with my diploma. I scurried up to the stage, shook the principal's hand, took it and plastered a smile on my face for the cameras my sisters and my mother were brandishing.

Another shining moment in Derek Shepherd's life.

Can you hear the bitter sarcasm?

Yes I guess I am better in ways. I don't feel as if I am having a coronary. I can think of her and smile more. And I thought of her, a lot. I used to talk of her more but that just depressed Amber, so I just kept it to myself.

Everything to myself. Lonely Derek.

I went to sit back down and stared up at the bright sun.

What was she doing today? Port Angeles doesn't graduate until June. Was she studying for finals? Was she out with friends? Was she with a new boyfriend? Was she thinking of me? Did she hate me?  
_  
__I hated me._

A hat flew up in the air and landed on me. Oh, graduation was over. I missed it.

"Oh Derek! I am so proud of you." Ma gushed as she squeezed me tightly.

"Thanks." I said, silly smile on my face.

"I can't believe my only son is moving to New York." She continued.

"Nancy and I will keep tabs on him." Katie promised. She and Nancy were both enrolled in NYU and shared an apartment together.

Only if you could find me, I thought.

I craved silence. I spoke enough in my head that if I never heard mindless chatter again, I would survive just fine. I was taking this opportunity to create distance between me and my well-meaning, if not over enthusiastic, family. I didn't deserve to be happy.

Not until I knew Meredith was. Of course, I had no way of knowing that and that was my fault.

I wonder if I could call Mark and have him check on her? We had all been pretty close once, before I had left. Double dating with Mark and whoever the hell he was seeing at the moment was a usual occurrence on any given weekend.

But I hadn't spoken to him either since I had left. Hell, I hadn't even told him I was leaving. I am sure he noticed I was gone but the small town in which we resided was notorious for gossip. He probably hated me too.

All of sudden, I felt it. A feeling so intense, so painful yet so welcome, flowed through me. As if something had just happened that I was supposed to be a part of, yes, I wasn't. A feeling that I was missing something. Something big. But what?

"Derek?"

I looked at Ma inquisitively, my eyes surely wild.

"Dinner?" She asked.

"What about it?" I answered, my voice hoarse.

"I have been talking to you for five minutes. Didn't you hear anything I just said?"

"No, I was…thinking. Sorry Ma." I forced my smile again.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked, reaching up to feel my forehead.

I instinctually pulled away and tried to ignore the hurt look in her eyes.

"I'm fine. Just been a long day. Did you say something about food?" I asked, injecting what I hoped to be a happy tone into my voice.

"Yeah, I thought we could all go to Angelini's." She said.

"Yeah, that sounds great." I agreed. Didn't matter where I ate, everything tasted like saw dust anyway.

I followed her to the car, still confused to as what the hell had just happened to me. I finally shrugged it off. Didn't matter anyway.

Only three months and I would be all alone.

Just like I wanted.

* * *

**_August 2005_****  
**

"You look lost."

I glanced uninterestingly at the person belonging to the female voice. Then I ignored it and began walking in what I hoped to be the right direction. I heard her huff behind me, and I smirked.

"Are you gay?" This time the voice was male.

"How is that any of your business?" I asked.

"It's not." He laughed as he fell in step beside me.

"I'm Weiss." He said, extending his hand.

I ignored it.

"Nice guy." He said.

I sighed.

"I'm Derek."

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" He asked.

"What do you want?" I asked, only slightly irritated. I had been here for three weeks and the quiet, or as quiet as it can be in New York, was nice but sometimes it was too quiet.

"I am just trying to be nice and to find out why you just shut down that luscious blonde." He whistled at the thought of her.

"Obviously, you are not gay?" I asked.

"Fuck no. I am all man." He boasted. "Truth is, you are in some of my classes and in three weeks, I haven't seen you speak to anyone. Just wondered if you were a mute or something."

"No." I confirmed.

"Yeah, I kind of got that when you spoke. Why are you so antisocial?" He asked.

"Why are you so nosy?" I shot back.

"Ooh, so we have a bit of an attitude. The ladies will love that." He predicted.

"No. No ladies." I said.

"Why the hell not? Have you looked around? Plenty of prime cuts of meat to be sampled." He said.

"You are disgusting."

"Nope, just horny." He grinned.

Horny. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt that. Hell, I don't think I have had a release since the last time with Meredith almost a year ago.

A year.

Was it possible that it had been that long? Where did time the time go? Had I really lived without her for a year?

No, not lived. I wasn't living. I was merely surviving.

"So why are you living a monk like existence? Oh, have you got a girlfriend?" He asked innocently.

I shut down then and simply walked away.

Conversation over.

* * *

**_September 16, 2005_**

One year today. One year since I ripped her heart out. Since I left her alone in the woods. Since I said the words that would secure her hate for me forever.

I sat alone in my off-campus apartment that I now shared with Weiss. Ass had wormed his way in. Truth was, I was grateful to him to not allow me to go crazy.

I took a swig of my Heineken and tried to focus on the unimportant show on the TV. I wondered what she was doing today. Three days ago, was her 19th birthday. Last year was such a happy time for us…

_"What did I tell you about gifts?" Meredith exclaimed, trying to look mad but failing._

_I laughed at her and handed it over._

_"I couldn't resist getting a gift for the best girlfriend ever, on the best day ever." I told her._

_"So cheesy." She grinned as she ripped open the paper._

_She gasped and looked up at me._

_"Yeah…" I said nervously._

_"It's a photo album. Of us. Oh my god, this is amazing! Oh, look one of your afro!" She laughed._

_I frowned. I didn't put that in there._

_She started giggling uncontrollably when I saw there was no such photo in there_

_"That's not funny. I don't like to be reminded of that time of my life, ever." I admonished._

_She stopped laughing and crawled into my lap._

_"Why not?" She asked, looking earnestly up at me. "I fell in love with that boy. The one with the wild hair and the acne. The one with no muscle tone and who was a band geek. That is my Derek. You are my Derek. I would love to have any picture of you in here."_

_I smiled at her and pulled her to me, my lips meshing with hers. Things got heated really fast and the next thing I knew, we were undressed, and she was riding me fast in her twin sized bed in her childhood home, love and laughter all around us._

"Hello? Anyone home in there?"

I shook my head and the memory cleared. I looked at Weiss.

"I'm fine." I said automatically.

"You have said that word so many times since I have met you that it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. What is up with you man? I know we just met, and I didn't know you before, but I can just tell this is not the real you. Talk to me, get it off your chest." He implored.

I sighed and washed my hand over my face. He had a point. I was going stark raving mad and I needed to vent.

"Her name is Meredith and I am in love with her…"


	21. A Helping Hand

**This chapter mimics the events of the twin tower attacks. I hope no one finds this offensive. Please read and review.**

* * *

_Book Two, Chapter Four: A Helping Hand_

**_September 7, 2011_**

"My name is Dr. Forbes. First thing for you to know…I am not your Mommy. I do not care if you have eaten or if you overslept. If you are late, do not bother even coming in. It is my job to teach you, it is your job to learn. If that seems to be too much for you, then leave now. I do not have time for slackers. Are we understood?"

Dr. Forbes peered down at us from under her spectacles, a stern expression on her face. No one said a thing, hell I don't think anyone, including myself, dared to breathe.

I had been dreading this class since I started med school. Everyone who ever had this woman as a professor said she was a ball busting bitch.

I was very fond of my balls.

Then again everyone who had been in her class said she was the best professor they had ever had and her students, if they paid attention, always did well in future endeavors.

So here I was.

I guess a little ball busting never hurt anyone.

"I'm scared." Weiss whined a little.

"Yeah, well I think my balls just inverted back up into my body." I whispered back.

"I think mine did too." A voice chimed in quietly.

I tensed a little and then looked casually over my shoulder.

"You don't have balls." I said.

A pretty red headed woman grinned at me.

"Thanks for noticing." She shot back.

I frowned.

"I didn't notice." I said curtly and turned back around in my seat.

"Okay then." I heard her murmur behind me, her tone sounding hurt.

I felt a little bad about that. She didn't do anything wrong. It was automatic at this point.

I could feel Weiss look at me incredulously but I ignored him and focused on Dr. Forbes.

After the hour and a half long lecture was over, I bolted for the door.

Over the last five years, I had gotten used to girls throwing themselves at me, flirting with me, actually grabbing my cock to get my attention and I was aware that most of them thought I was gay.

Fine by me.

"Dude what the hell?"

"Not now Weiss."

I was stopped by him dragging me off to the side of the corridor.

"What is wrong with you?" He asked. "That girl was hot, and she was nice and funny."

I shot him a look.

"Man, that thing will that girl was over five years ago! And you broke up with her. So, what the fuck are you doing? Because for as long as I have known you, you haven't gotten laid or sucked once. That is a long time to be celibate. And the kicker is, girls throw themselves at you and you don't look twice. Be honest with me, you are gay, right?" He asked.

"Yes, I am. And Weiss, I am madly in love with you." I said with mock seriousness.

His eyes widened in panic until he saw the smile on my face.

"That shit is not funny! I mean if you were gay, fine, but in love with me, no."

I cackled. That was funny if I do say so myself.

Weiss sighed. I knew it was hard on the guy to be friends with me. My mood swings were legendary. I could be fine for weeks on end, going to parties with him, joking, laughing and then something would trigger a memory and I would sink into a deep dark place for days on end. But he never complained, and he gave me space when I needed it.

"I'm just saying, your dick is going to rot off from lack of activity."

"Better than from a nasty venereal disease, like you." I quipped.

"That was once." He defended hotly.

He got serious.

"Man, you are my best friend. I want to see you happy."

"I am happy."

That was true, I was as happy as I could be.

He looked at me doubtfully, but I could see he was letting it go until next time.

I wasn't ready. I knew this. He knew this.

I just wasn't ready.

* * *

**_Four Days Later…_**

_"This is a day that will go down in infamy…"_

I sat down and stared at the screen at the newscaster who was droning on and on, repeating the same things, over and over. The message was still the same.

New York City would never be the same again.

My phone rang, and I answered it automatically.

"Derek? Derek! Are you okay?" My Ma sounded panicked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I assured her.

She started weeping.

"I was so worried when I heard about the towers. They say it is a terrorist attack. Can you believe that?" She whispered.

"No, I can't. Have you heard from Katie and Nance?" I asked, cursing myself for not thinking of them sooner.

Some brother I was.

"Yes, they are both at the hospital. They are bogged down as I am sure you can imagine. All hands-on deck, though I don't think they imagine they will find many survivors. This is just so awful, Derek." She started crying again.

"I know Ma. It's…I have to do something to help. I am going down there." I decided, throwing on a shirt and some socks.

"What? Derek, no! What if they are still attacking? You need to stay home! Where is Weiss? Put him on the phone!" She demanded.

"He is outside talking to the neighbors and Ma, it is my duty to help people."

"Not yet, it isn't. It is your duty to stay put and not give me a heart attack." She ranted. No one did guilt trips like my mother. It must be the Catholic in her.

"Ma, what is the point of becoming a doctor if at the most crucial crisis this city will ever face, I sit on my ass and let everyone else help? How would that make Dad proud of me?" I asked.

I heard her sob.

"I know. I'm…sorry. I just, if anything happened to you, I don't know what I would do. But you are right, go, help. Call me later so I know you are okay, please?"

"I will, and I promise I will be careful, but I have to do this." I told her.

"I know. I love you Derek." She said.

"I love you too Ma. I will call you later." I hung up, grabbed a jacket and rushed out, running into Weiss.

"Where's the fire?" He asked.

"Appropriate choice of words…" I glared at him.

"Sorry. Where are you going?" He asked.

"To help." I said simply, preparing myself for the forty blocks to get there as I was sure cabs would be scarce.

I heard pounding footsteps behind me as Weiss tried to catch up.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"You think you are the only soon to be doctor? I am going with you. You jump, I jump. Now let's go help some people."

* * *

It took over two hours to reach the site. Nothing would have ever prepared me for what I was about to see. Chaos and debris were everywhere; cops and paramedics and victims littered the street. Rubble from the fallen towers had practically gutted the surrounding area. Ash burned personal and professional items, glass, iron, wood and yes, bodies, all gathered in a huge mound of sorts. It was the biggest disaster in a lifetime of disasters. The estimated body count was over six thousand people.

I turned to the first firefighter I saw. As I approached him, he looked me up and down briefly.

"I have no statement at this time." He said gruffly.

"I am not a journalist. I am a med student. I…we graduate next spring from Columbia, and we want to help." I said.

He looked at me suspiciously.

"Forget it." He dismissed me turning to walk away.

'Wait! Look, no matter how you see it, you are shorthanded. I may not be able to do fancy surgeries yet, but we can help the paramedics and the nurses triage people with minor injuries." He wavered. "Please, we want to help."

"We do too."

I looked and was surprised to see the red head with a blonde next to her that I vaguely remembered from a class I had that year.

He looked at our new additions.

"Fine. Go over the triage section and stay out of the way. We have people digging for bodies. This is not kiddie play time; this is serious shit." He warned us.

I nodded solemnly.

"Thanks." I said.

"No, thank you." He said to me before disappearing into the fray.

I led the way, gingerly stepping over the trash, not waiting for anyone else.

"Hi, I'm Derek. I am here to help."

* * *

Forty-eight hours later, I was exhausted and hungry but proud. This city had risen above and helped each other. I had worked on victims diligently but no matter how hard I had worked, is was nothing compared to the men and women in blue, the firefighters, the paramedics, the doctors and nurses, who had risked their lives to save whoever they could.

Unfortunately, very few that were stuck in the building were. Thousands of men, women and children had lost their lives in a horrific way. I stood there watching them tirelessly dig through the rubble looking, praying, hoping that someone was still alive. It was heartbreaking.

Yet I felt almost whole. I knew that I had found my calling in life. I was meant to be a doctor, I was meant to help people, save people. I could devote my life to it, submerge myself in it and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't realize what was missing.

Who was missing.

"Hey."

I turned towards the softly hesitant voice and noticed the red head. She was black with soot, her hair was a mess, her manicured nails torn, scratches and bruises on her but there was a fierce pride in her blue eyes.

I nodded at her.

"Hey."

We stood in silence as we watched the last of the rescue attempts.

"Hard to believe we go back to our normal lives tomorrow." She said.

"Yeah."

"Back to ball busting professors." She remarked.

"Make sure yours stay intact." I said.

She giggled. It was a nice sound, but all wrong to me.

"Yours too."

We fell into silence once more.

"Did I do something to you, and I don't know it?" She asked suddenly.

"No. I am just working through something. Sorry if I offended you. It is not you; I promise."

"Oh, I thought it was because of my mom." She said.

"Your mom?"

"Yeah, Dr. Forbes…"

"The ball busting bitch is your mother?" I asked, then closed my eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry." I winced.

She laughed outright, the sound foreign among so much pain, but welcome in light of it.

"No ball busting bitch is right. I am only in the class because I have to take it and she is the only professor who teaches it. Believe me, she doesn't play favorites." She assured me.

"I would have hated to grow up with you." I said.

"It wasn't so bad. I'm Addison Montgomery." She extended her grimy hand to me.

I looked at it like it was a foreign object.

"What is appropriate in situations like this is to say, 'Hi my name is so and so and it is a pleasure to meet you'."

She sighed and put her hand down.

"You know I thought we could be friends. Because I notice that people avoid you like the plaque. The only friend you have is Weiss and you are rude and mean and I don't deserve you acting like I don't exist. I have done nothing to you."

I looked at her like she had two heads.

"Ugh, just forget it." She yelled and walked away, tripping a little as she did so.

I laughed out loud, I couldn't help it. I knew the situation we were in didn't call for it, it was tacky and graceless to do so, but this thin red head with a bitchy mom had just told me off with her head held high and then had almost fallen flat on her face when trying and failing to make a dignified exit.

Besides, she was right. She did nothing to deserve me being rude to her. This pampered, obviously privileged, med student had just worked her ass off trying to help these victims and here I was treating her like shit.

If I was going to move on, I needed more people around me to catch me if I fell flat on my face.

"Addison!" I called out.

She turned around, her expression murderous, and flipped me off.

I grinned.

"The name is Derek. Derek Shepherd.


	22. Light Amongst the Dark

_Book Two, Part Five: Light Amongst the Dark_

**_May 2012_**

"Ugh. I am never going to retain this crap for the final."

I looked up from my own book.

"It's kind of hard to retain this 'crap' if you don't look at the book." I said drolly.

She stuck her tongue out at me and looked back down at her book with a smile.

Addie and I had become good friends since the tragic events. She made me laugh, she didn't come on to me, she understood that my studies came first and we had both been offered residencies at Columbia University Medical Center…

Pending graduation.

Finals were in three days and Addie, Weiss, Savvy and I had been pulling all-nighters. Savvy and Weiss had hit it off at the Trade Center site and had been dating ever since.

A loud rhythmic banging sounded from the other room.

I groaned loudly.

"Again?" Addie asked.

"Sounds that way." I responded.

Weiss and Savvy were taking a 'break'.

This went on about three minutes before I couldn't take it anymore.

"You wanna get out of here?" I asked.

"Please." She replied gratefully.

Fifteen minutes later found us at our regular hangout, Dave's. They had the best cheeseburgers in New York. We quickly gave the waitress our orders and then sat back to relax.

"I love that Sav is happy but Dear God, why are they are loud?" Addie said.

I laughed.

"They are in love." I stated wistfully.

Addie looked at me thoughtfully.

I noticed.

"What?" I asked, taking a drink of my Coke.

"Nothing. I just…never mind." She said with a rueful smile.

"No tell me. I wanna know." I told her.

She opened her mouth but hesitated.

"Spit it out Woman." I said laughing.

"I don't want to offend you because you are a great guy and one of my best friends but I just have to ask…Are you gay?"

I choked on my drink, coughing and sputtering.

"What?" I croaked out.

"I mean it doesn't matter if you are. I mean it would be a waste, sure, because you are well, hot and all, not that I think you are hot. I mean, I do…anyway. I just haven't ever seen you with a woman and it wouldn't matter to me if you were, but are you? Gay I mean?"

I looked at her in amazement and with a little bit of a heartache. Mer had rambled like that. Then I felt equal parts guilty and sad. Guilty for comparing Addie to Mer when she didn't have a chance of measuring up. No one did. And sad because I would never hear Mer's ramble again.

"Derek? Oh God, I offended you, didn't I? I didn't mean too. It's fine. Are you in love with Weiss or something? It that why you always look so sad when you look at him and Sav?"

"What? No!"

"No to which part?" She asked slowly.

"No, I am happy for Sav and Weiss and no, I am not gay." I explained.

"You're not?" She asked confused.

"No, I'm not. I am offended that you thought that." I told her, joking but keeping a straight face.

"I'm so sorry." She blurted. "But…why are you alone then?"

"It's not by choice." I smiled sadly at her. "Well, actually it is, I guess. I had to make a choice. It was the right choice for her and that is all that really matters."

Addison bit her lip, also like Mer did but so unlike her at the same time. Aarg, this was driving me crazy.

"How is it the right choice if you are miserable?"

"I used to be worse than I am now." I laughed. "At least now, I smile, and I can be around my Ma and sisters without lashing out, I can go out with you all and have a good time. I don't think of her every second anymore, more like every couple of hours. Something or someone will remind me of her, and I hurt. Like physically hurt. But I believe that she is happy or at least I hope she is, so I can give her that." I said.

"I'm sorry but I am confused. What exactly did you choose?" She asked.

"Maybe I should start from the beginning. I met Mer, Meredith, when I was fourteen. She tripped and fell into my lap." I smiled at the memory. "She was rather clumsy at that age. I was all sorts of awkward. I hadn't yet discovered hair products, I had acne, I was skinny, I played in the band. Sax." I chuckled. Addison smiled. "She was this blond, petite, gorgeous girl with bright green eyes that turned gray when she was emotional. She had this distinct giggle that turned me into mush every time I was around her. I fell in love with her instantly and by some small miracle, she loved me too. We were happy. We had plans; you know?' I blinked against the sudden moisture in my eyes but quickly wiped them away. "When I was thirteen, my sister Mel and I saw our father be gunned down by two men robbing his store." Addison gasped. "They never caught the guys, so my mother moved us from Connecticut to Port Angeles, Washington. When I was eighteen, they found us and threatened us. They hit my Ma, trashed our house and had pictures of our whole family, including Mer. They threatened her in front of my Ma. What was I supposed to do? Put her in danger. Ma wanted to move so I made the decision to let Mer go. I broke up with her and I made sure she would never want to look for me. I told her I didn't love her and that I didn't want her and that she wasn't good enough for me and then I left her there, in the woods behind her house. I needed her to hate me. She pleaded with me to not do it, but I had too." I paused. "I had too." I whispered. "She believed me so easily. I don't understand why she believed that I didn't love her."

I lapsed into silence, taking deep calming breaths.

I felt Addie put her hand on mine. I didn't even know she had gotten up and moved to my side of the booth. I felt her other hand wrap around my arm, and I felt her lean against me in a comforting manner. I breathed in deep and crinkled my nose. Her smell was off. It wasn't bad, just different. It was cinnamon instead of lavender.

"I'm so sorry Derek." Was all she said.

"Me too."

* * *

"My sincere congratulations to Columbia's School of Medicine 2012 graduates!"

I smiled. I actually was mentally present for this graduation. I was a doctor.

Dr. Derek Christopher Shepherd.

Yes, I was third in a line of doctors in my family. Kathleen was almost finished with her psychiatry residency and Nancy was a fourth-year resident at Columbia and she was leaning towards Cardio Thoracic surgery. Amber was starting her final year of med school in the fall and Mel…well Mel, decided to join the police force. She was now enrolled in the Police Academy. Ma was beside herself about her decision, but Mel had just said that if she got shot, she had a family full of doctors to help her.

"We did it!"

Addie launched herself in my arms. I laughed as I tried not to buckle under her slight weight.

"We did, didn't we?" I said, smiling down at her.

An expression passed over her face, one I couldn't decipher, but it was gone as soon as it was there.

"Hey. Can you believe we are all doctors?" Weiss said, joining us, his arm slung over Savvy's shoulders.

"Some smarter than others." Savvy said, grinning at Weiss.

"You wound me." He said forlornly.

"Oh shut up." She said.

She turned to Addie and me.

"We are going out to dinner with our families, but I want to meet up later to really celebrate. You two in?" She asked.

"I am." Addie said, looking at me.

"I'm in too." I agreed. This was time to celebrate.

"Okay we will call you later and decide on a time and place." They left amidst a flurry of family activity.

"Derek!" I looked for my Ma as I heard her voice.

She hugged me tightly.

"I am so proud of you." She gushed. "Your father would be really proud of you."

"Thanks." I said sincerely.

"DerBear!" Amber squealed, hugging me tightly.

"DerBear?" Addie mouthed at me; eyebrow raised.

"Shut up." I mouthed back.

I hugged Mel, Katie and Nancy. They all looked at Addie, who was standing there awkwardly.

"Oh! Where are my manners? Ma, Katie, Nancy, Amber and Mel, this is Addie. Addison Montgomery this is my family."

"Nice to meet you." Ma said. Addie extended her hand, but Ma ignored it and hugged her, whispering something to her that made Addie blush. When I looked at Addie, she just shook her head at me. I would be getting that out of her later.

"I thought we could go out to dinner." Ma said.

"That would be great." I said.

I looked at Addie.

"I am just gonna go." She said.

"Oh I am sure your family has plans for you and here I am keeping you." Ma said.

"Yeah." Addie said, but I could tell something was off. "It was nice to meet you all. Derek, I will catch up with you later." She hugged me and then walked off with a last 'bye' to my family.

"She's lovely Derek. Why haven't you mentioned her?" Ma asked.

"She is just a friend Ma." I said while still pondering Addie's behavior. Then it hit me. Her family wasn't there with the rest of the families congratulating her.

"I'll be right back." I told Ma.

I ran towards the way that Addie had gone, looking around blindly. I saw her walking slowly towards the parking lot where I knew her car was parked.

"Addie!" I called out.

She stopped, looked at me and turned away from me, wiping frantically at her face. I ran to where she was and turned her around.

What I saw, broke my heart just a little. Her mascara had made black tracks down her face, her nose was a little red and her eyes were a dull blue instead of the vibrant teal they usually were.

"Where is your family?" I asked, cutting to the chase.

"Mother has work to do to close out this year and Archer and my dad are on some gambling trip. Apparently, it couldn't be cancelled so…" She smiled at me.

It was fake. I knew a fake smile when I saw it. I had used them quite often. She had made me smile more real lately and it was my turn to do it for her.

"Come on." I said, extending my hand to her.

"Where are we going? You have a dinner with your family." She protested.

"I know. You are coming with us." I informed her.

"What? Oh no. I am not intruding on your family time because you feel sorry for me. This is not the first time it has happened, and it won't be the last. I'm fine. I am just going to grab some Chinese, go home and watch some TV. I will see you later." She said.

"No, I don't think so. You are coming with us. Don't make me go get my Ma." I threatened.

She looked down at the ground and then up at me, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Are you sure?" She whispered.

"As sure as I have been about anything in a long time. You are my friend Addie. I am not letting you spend this day alone." I shook my still extended hand. "Let's go."

She finally took it with a smile and used her other hand to wipe her face.

I pulled her through the thinning throngs of people to where my family waited.

"Hey what did Ma say to you anyway?" I asked.

"That I seem to be good for you." She said, blushing again.

"Hmmm…maybe you are."

Maybe she was.


	23. We Could Try

_Book Two, Part Six: We Could Try_

**_March 2013_**

I banged on Weiss and Savvy's door.

"Up and at em!" I yelled.

I heard something hit the door and I grinned. They were not morning people.

I went to the kitchen and started the coffee, watching it brew. This was going to be one long ass shift. I was eight months into my internship and even though it was tedious and long hours, I loved every minute of it.

I heard the door open in the living room and I peered through the dim light to see Addie let herself in. She was here more than she was at her own place these days.

She smiled and held up a bag.

"I brought bagels." She said.

"Bagels?" Weiss said, trudging through the room to grab the bag from Addie.

"Hey!" She protested.

"I'm up at the ass crack of dawn, I am tired, I am moody, and I am hungry. Leave me alone." He mumbled.

Savvy strode through the apartment, fully dressed and with a lovely smile on her face. She sat down next to Weiss and kissed him on his cheek.

"Lighten up Babe. I am not working with this grumpy version of you so get the stick out of your ass." She demanded, still smiling.

Addie and I laughed. Addie helped herself to a cup of coffee and sat down next to Savvy. I grabbed four plates and sat down on the last chair.

"I hope Evans gets a kick ass surgery and lets me in on it." Weiss sighed as he put cream cheese on his bagel.

"At least he lets the interns help in surgeries. Hahn doesn't let us do shit but get her dry cleaning. Unless your name is Derek Shepherd." Addie said with a sidelong glance at me.

"I can't help it she loves me." I said.

"She just wants to suck your wang, Dude." Weiss said.

"Not from what I heard." Savvy said.

Addie started laughing.

'What?" Weiss and I asked.

"She likes to munch cookies." Addie said.

"Huh?" Weiss asks.

"She likes women. She is a lesbian. Your looks don't have shit to do with it, hotshot." Savvy said to me.

"Good just means I am a better doctor than you all."

"As if." Addie said.

The phone rang and Addie, who was closet, answered it.

"Purgatory, Devil Speaking." She said. Savvy giggled. We always answered our phone in the oddest ways.

"Oh! Hi. Yeah, it's Addie. Sorry, we just…yeah. Would you like to speak to Derek?" She asked, blushing.

I gave her a curious look as I took the phone from her. She just put her head in her hands and groaned.

"Hello?" I asked.

"That was an interesting greeting. Almost as good as the 'This is Weiss and I am busy having sex but if you leave a message, I will get back to you once I cum. Beep." Ma said dryly.

"Ma." I said weakly.

Savvy and Weiss burst into laughter. I waved at them to be quiet.

"Is everything okay? It is five thirty in the morning." I said.

"Just wanted to tell you to have a good day, Dr. Shepherd." She said. I could hear her beaming across the phone.

"I always do. I work tonight so I will call you when I wake up tomorrow."

"That's perfectly fine. Just like hearing your voice. Knock em dead." She said.

"Actually it would be very helpful for my career if they happened to live." I teased.

"You may have a point. I will let you go. Call me tomorrow." She reminded me.

I hung up and looked over at Addie who was still red.

"I just embarrassed myself in front of your mother." She said.

"Actually she is in Connecticut." I quipped.

She hit my arm.

"You know what I mean."

"Seriously Addie, Ma loves you. This won't change it." I looked at my watch. "We had better go if we don't want to be late, which is not something you want to be any day at that hospital."

We all got up and in a flurry of activity, made it out the door.

"Wanna ride?" I asked Addie.

I expected her to sneer at my offer. My 'ride' was a motorcycle. I bought it two months ago. It was so much easier to get through traffic and easier on gas costs and cab costs.

Addie hated it. She refused to get on it, so I was surprised when she said she did.

"Hop on then."

She pulled her strapped her bag to her back and got on. I handed her the extra helmet and she put in on.

'Hold on tight." I told her. She did so immediately.

I allowed myself to feel her warmth for a moment and then ignored it. She was a friend.

The ride took only minutes whereas Weiss and Savvy were probably stuck in traffic. God forbid Savvy mess up her hair.

Speaking of hair, Addison's was all over the place. I took off my own helmet and grinned.

"You have helmet hair." I told her.

She shrugged and put her hair in a pony tail.

"It's just going to look like crap when I get off anyway."

"Not my hair. My hair is awesome." I boasted.

"Your hair is awesome." She agreed.

"It is."

"Sex hair." She giggled. "Which is funny considering you don't have sex." She clapped a hand over her mouth. "I am so sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

I smiled gently.

"It's okay. It's the truth. Let's go inside and troll for surgeries." I said extending my hand. She slipped hers into mine and we ventured inside.

* * *

"Dumbass, you could have waited on us." Weiss complained as he walked into the locker room.

"But I didn't." I said, as I sat down next on the bench.

"Hurry up, they are assigning cases soon." Addie said, slipping her shirt off and standing in front of us in just a pink lacy bra.

I averted my eyes, but in doing so, noticed that no one else did. Guys were gawking at Addie and now, Savvy, as they slipped into their scrubs.

'You know they have changing rooms, right?" I sniped.

Addie slipped on her green scrub top and then looked at me wounded.

"Sorry. I wasn't thinking." She apologized.

I sighed.

"No, I am sorry. I just don't like guys staring at you like that."

"Like what?" She asked.

"Like they want to see you naked." I said.

She stood there, just looking at me. She looked like she wanted to say something.

"Spit it out." I said.

"There are guys that want to see me naked. Quite a few. I am nice, pretty, rich, intelligent, and I am a doctor. Most guys really go for that, you know. Most guys want to get to know me. Most guys want to take me out on dates. Most guys want to fuck me. Most guys…but not you. You just want to be friends. I get it, okay. I accept that, but there is going to come a time when I am going to find someone and you are going to have to accept that."

She then turned her back on my open mouthed self and finished getting ready, talking to Savvy and pointedly ignoring me.

For some reason, I didn't like that…at all.

Dr. Hahn walked in and gave Addie, I and the other interns in our group their assignments.

"Shepherd, you are on Neuro and take Montgomery with you. They need two of you today. Family in a MVA."

I nodded briskly and turned to Addie, who was already walking off.

"Addie." She kept of walking. "Addie!"

"What?" She whirled on me.

I stepped back a bit. She was mad. I had only seen her mad…well, never actually.

"Um…" I tread carefully.

"I can't do this anymore Derek. I tried. But…I just can't." She said sadly.

"I don't understand." I said.

"You are so clueless and blind! I love you. I am in love with you. But you, you see me as a friend. A buddy. Do you have any idea how degrading it is for me to pretend I don't have feelings for you?" She asked.

"I had no idea." I said, my mind reeling.

"That's the problem. You don't see. You never see. I need you to see me. I want you to see me. I want you to see that there are other people in the world besides your family and Meredith. She is gone. She has probably moved on. She is probably happy. And you, you, are just existing. You are not living. You are standing still. And I can't stand still with you anymore. I love you but I love myself more." She said sadly. "Bye Derek."

I watched her walk away from me. What the hell had just happened?

I felt my chest practically gape open. Well, it felt like that anyway. I hadn't felt like that in a long while. It is like the hole had been stitched closed and now the sutures had given way. Addie was my sutures.

I don't know what propelled me forward or what caused my mouth to open or what caused the words to fly out of my mouth…

"Wait!" I yelled.

Addie froze and then turned towards me, hope evident in her blue eyes. Blue, not green. Red hair, not blonde. Tall, not petite.

But she had hope. I had taken away Meredith's, but I could give it to Addie. I could give her hope. I could give her this.

"We could…try." I said.

"Try?" She asked.

"Yeah try. I can't promise you anything. I am a mess. But I can try." I told her honestly.

She smiled slowly, fully.

"I would like that."

I think I would too.

* * *

**What are your thoughts?**


	24. Broken

_Book Two, Part Seven: Broken_

"I can't believe our first year is over." Addie mused.

We were curled up on my couch, relaxing. We were off for a full two weeks. Savvy and Weiss had gone on vacation. Weiss was proposing tomorrow night. I was happy for them, but that meant they were moving out soon and I would have to find a new roommate. Rent in New York City was expensive.

"I wish you didn't have to go." She sighed, slipping her hand into mine and squeezing it.

"I know but I haven't seen them since Christmas. It is only for a week. Four days with Ma in Connecticut and three days with Amber and Mel in Boston. Then we will have nine days together." I assured her.

"I know you have to go. I will just miss you." She said sweetly.

I smiled at her and focused again on the movie.

I found my mind wandering. It happened some but not as often as it used to. Addie helped.

I looked at her profile as she giggled at the TV. She was wearing a pair of shorts and an old shirt of mine, her hair in a ponytail, no makeup on. She was lovely.

But I found myself thinking of another girl. It made me feel like shit. Especially when we were in bed. We had been having sex for three months now and while it was good, it was lacking something. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it, or maybe I just hadn't wanted to.

But I think I always knew. It wasn't complete because it wasn't with Meredith. Finally, I had just decided I couldn't do anything about that and did my best to block her from my thoughts during those moments. Addie deserved better than a man who imagined his ex-girlfriend while having sex with his current one.

Addie and I rarely fought. I am not sure if it was because we got along so well or if it was because I didn't care enough to fight with her. With Meredith, we fought constantly, bickering about stupid nothings but it was all in good fun.

I sighed.

God I was a shitty person.

"You okay?"

I smiled at Addie.

"I'm fine. Just a headache." I assured her.

"Do you need an aspirin?" She asked, moving to get up.

"No, I will be fine. Just a long drive ahead of me tomorrow."

"We should go to bed. Let you get some rest." She stood up and locked the doors and turned off the lights. We walked into my bedroom and while she brushed her teeth and washed her face, I stripped down to my boxers. I exchanged places with her in the bathroom and when I was done, I slipped under the covers next to her. She instantly cuddled into me.

I held her close, thanking a higher power for it being dark, so I could imagine she was someone else.

* * *

"It has been so long." Ma gushed as she hugged me tight.

"Ma, it has only been…"

"Seven months!" She interrupted.

"I know Ma. Sorry."

"Don't be. I know how it is. Just don't forget about your family. Sit down. I made some red velvet cake."

She busied herself around the kitchen and then sat down and watched me eat.

"This is good Ma." I smiled at her and she smiled back.

"I have some good news." She said.

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Officer Nelson called me last week."

I sat up straighter. Officer Nelson was the officer in charge of my dad's case.

"What did he have to say?"

"They caught them Derek. They were arrested for another murder and they confessed everything. There won't even be a trial. They will be sentenced next month in Hartford."

I tried to remember how to breathe. Emotions flit through me, one after another; relief, grief, denial, amazement, anger, sadness…and happiness.

I could go to Meredith now. I could explain to her why I left. I could see if she would forgive me. We could have our happily ever after now.

I stood up suddenly.

"I need to…go…upstairs for a little while. Take a nap or whatever. Do you mind?" I asked Ma.

She looked at me curiously.

"Of course not Dear. Don't forget we are having dinner with Mel, Nancy, Kathleen and their boyfriends tonight."

"Mel has a boyfriend?" I asked.

"No, she is too busy busting 'perps'." She laughed as she quoted Mel.

I smiled and then dashed up the stairs. I had my laptop up and running in two minutes. I pulled up the internet and typed in Meredith E. Grey.

My heart stopped.

There she was. It was a picture from the Seattle Sentinel covering U Dubs School of Medicine's graduation last year. Meredith was fifth in her class. She was standing in her cap and gown smiling out into the audience. I imagined her mom and stepdad had come and had sat with Thatcher. Was anyone else in the audience beaming proudly at her accomplishments? Had someone else taken her out to dinner with her family and then went home with her? Did she love someone else like she had loved me?

That just put forth a whole new set of questions.

Did I have the right to walk back into her life? Would she forgive me? Would she act like she didn't know me? Would she scream, would she yell, would she cry, would she fall into my arms?

I was officially driving myself crazy.

Maybe I should call Mark. He had been my best friend in high school. I picked up the phone in my old bedroom and dialed his parent's number by memory.

'You have reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please hang up and try again.'

Damn! What did you expect, it had been over seven years?

I looked again at her picture. She too had just finished her first year of residency. I wonder how it had gone for her. I traced my fingers around her delicate features and smiled. She was still beautiful. And if I was lucky, she was still in Seattle. I bet her mother was really proud of her.

Ellis!

Ellis lived in Boston last time I had heard. Maybe I could look her up when I went to visit Amber.

"Derek! Your sisters are here!" Ma called up to me.

I saved the article to my favorites and reluctantly shut down my computer.

I would find her again.

* * *

"DerBear!"

I rolled my eyes at Amber's squeal. I then grunted as her full weight hit me.

"Oompf." I groaned.

"Shut up. I am not heavy." She said outraged.

"You are when you are slamming into me at full steam ahead." I told her.

"What am I, chopped liver?" Mel said. "I mean I take off from my kick ass job as a cop and I come to visit my sister and she ignores me because our only brother graced us with his presence."

"Pretty much." Amber quipped. She looked at me.

"You have to tell me all about your internship. I am so nervous about starting next week. Jax tells me I am worrying over nothing, but he can say that since he is still in medical school." She rolled her eyes.

"Jax?" I asked.

She hit me.

"Do you not listen when I call? My boyfriend Jackson? I met him in med school? Any of this ring a bell?" She asked.

"No." I said honestly. I would remember her telling me about a boyfriend, wouldn't I?

"He is too busy screwing his redhead. Hey Der, does the carpet match the drapes?" Mel asked.

I stared at her incredulously.

"I am not dignifying that with an answer." I told her. I looked back to Amber, who looked upset.

"You okay? Your internship will be fine. Don't worry." I soothed.

"You're dating Addison?" She asked.

"Yeah. Didn't Ma tell you?" I asked.

"No, no one told me. You should've told me." She said sadly.

"Sorry Ams. We have been dating for four months."

"Are you happy?" She asked.

I thought back to the information that Ma told me and smiled. Then I felt regret that I hadn't thought of Addie until just now. I was going to have to break things off with her. I would call her tonight. No, I would tell her in person. She deserved that much.

"Derek?" She prompted.

"Yeah, I am now." I told her honestly. As long as Meredith didn't hang up on me once I called her.

"So, when do we meet this guy?" I asked.

She looked…guilty? And then that look passed and she smiled.

"Not this visit. He has family visiting too, so he is not available, but one day." She assured me.

She then shared a look with Mel.

Weird.

"So, we are going to this great bar Friday night before you leave. It is awesome."

I followed her thinking to myself that girls were another species all together.

* * *

I spent the next three days reminiscing with my sisters. I had a great time and I was sorry to see Friday come. Mel and I were leaving the next day and we were now on our way to the bar that Ams wanted us to go to.

I had a cloud or two hanging over my head though. I didn't know how to end it with Addie and Ellis Grey-Webber had not returned my calls. I really wanted to get in touch with Mer, but it looked like I was doing it on my own.

I sighed out loud.

"None of that tonight!" Mel said. "We are going to have a good time, damn it."

"Damn, you are almost scary. I bet the criminals love you." I taunted.

"Ha they wish." She retorted.

"We're here." Amber announced, pulling into a crowded parking lot. We exited the car and walked into the very loud, very crowded but very nice bar.

We were quickly seated and we were enjoying the free flowing drinks, the great food and the live band.

We acted just like the family we were before my life came crashing down.

I don't know what happened. To this day, I still couldn't tell you, but I was suddenly…hyperaware.

Something…shifted.

I stopped listening to the conversation, I ignored my food, I forgot my Scotch…Hell, I forgot where I was. I slowly, deliberately, scanned the room, focusing on everything, everyone, yet nothing.

Then I saw it…

Blonde hair.

Green eyes.

Smiling face.

My blonde hair.

My green eyes.

My smile.

My Meredith.

She was older, her eyes were older. Like she had lived longer than her years, like she had experienced more than she should've in her young age.

She was sitting next to two men.

Was one of them my replacement?

She threw her head back and laughed and I was transported to another time, years ago, when that laugh had been reserved for me.

"Derek!"

I looked sideways at Amber, who was looking at me weirdly.

"What?" I said.

"I have been calling your name for five minutes. Where did you go? Do you see someone you know?" Her neck craned to check out the crowd.

"No. Just looking around." I lied. I didn't want to share with her right this minute.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her get up and head towards the restroom.

"I need to go to the bathroom. I will be right back."

"Thanks for the info." Mel snarked.

I ignored her and headed towards the bathrooms. She wasn't there when I entered the hall. I waited in between the women's and men's rooms, then I started pacing.

What was taking her so long? Didn't she know this is the moment I have been waiting on?

I stopped staring and leaned against the wall facing the open room full of people. I saw one of the guys Mer was sitting with. He looked familiar. Then the other guy came into view.

He was familiar.

Mark.

What was Mark doing here with Meredith?

No. It couldn't be.

I couldn't look at him anymore so I turned my back to them.

I heard the door open behind me but I froze.

My mind was screaming at me to turn around and face her. Let her see me. But I was frozen.

I heard her hesitate, could feel her eyes boring into the back of my head…

And then, her footsteps fading as she walked away from me.

I unfroze and turned to watch her, to see her before she faded from my life again.

What I saw broke me.

She walked up to Mark and threw her arms around him, kissing him soundly. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and led her through the crowd, the other man following them.

Then she was gone.

Again.

And I was left behind…

Broken.

* * *

**How do you guys feel about Derek and Meredith reuniting at the bar? Do you think Derek should have done something? If so, what?**


	25. Moving On

_Book Two, Part Eight: Moving On_

**_September 2013_**

"Okay, what gives?"

I looked up at Addison who was standing over me in the on-call room I had stumbled into at two this morning.

I looked at my watch. Five. Ugh.

"What are you talking about?" I croaked out.

"You know what I am talking about." She said, her eyes filled with anguish.

She was right. I did.

It had been two months since I had seen Meredith…and Mark. I returned back to my previous zombie state that I had been in when I had left Meredith all those years ago. Only this time, unbeknownst to her, she had left me.

I was going through the motions. Hell, I wasn't even supposed to be here now. I hadn't been on call last night. I just didn't want to be home.

Looking at Addison, I realized that I wasn't being fair to her. She hadn't done anything to me. She looked tired and sad and I didn't want that for her.

"Addie…" I began.

"It's another woman, isn't it?" She asked quietly.

"Yes." I saw pain wash over her face. "Not like you are thinking." I was quick to assure her.

"Then how?" She asked.

I pat the bed beside me and she slowly came over to sit by me being careful not to touch me.

"When I went to Boston, I went to this bar…"

She gasped.

"And I saw her." I said.

"Saw her? I don't understand. Who is…oh." She said. She breathed a little deeper and cleared her throat repeatedly.

"Yeah."

"So are you two back together now?" She asked.

I took my own deep breath.

"No. We didn't even talk. I don't even think she saw me." I admitted.

"Then why?"

"She was with someone. A guy. My best friend…or he used to be."

"And that hurt you." She stated rather than asked.

"Yes." I told her.

"Oh." Was all she said.

We sat in silence for several minutes. I was startled when she stood up.

"This is my fault." She said.

"What? No." How could she say that?

"Yes, it is. You weren't ready. I just wanted you to try and you did. I appreciate that. I do. But I don't want someone who doesn't want me." She walked to the door and looked back with her hand on the doorknob. "Goodbye Derek." She smiled gently at me and then was gone.

I sat in that room for over an hour trying to make sense of everything. I had no luck and decided to cut my losses and bury myself back into my work.

That was the only thing I really had right now.

* * *

**_November 2013_**

"Come on Man, come with us." Weiss pleaded.

I glared up at him. I really just wanted to enjoy my rare weekend off…alone, but Savvy and Weiss weren't letting up. They wanted me to join them at a low-key bar we liked to go to, Sam's.

"Okay but only for a few drinks and then I want to sleep all weekend." I told them.

"Sure." Weiss quickly agreed. He was just happy I was going. I had secluded myself, not as bad as before but still, he worried.

We headed to Sam's after I showered. I didn't bother shaving.

We were seated at a high table laughing about a patient Savvy had had when I saw a flash of red.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Addie. She was standing at the bar, ordering a drink. I hope that meant she was joining us. Since we had broken up, we had kept a good working relationship. She was nice, I was nice…it was all very nice. She didn't make me feel bad for what had transpired between us but I still did. She was a classy lady.

A man walked up behind Addie and whispered something in her ear. She turned to him and laughed, her eyes shining. He grabbed the drinks the bartender laid in front of Addie and walked her to a table on the other side of the room but still where I could see.

"She's been seeing him for a month." Savvy said.

I tore my eyes from Addie and looked at her.

"He seems nice." I said as levelly as I could.

"He is. He is a lawyer. His name is Kirk. He works for her father's firm." She informed me.

"Is she happy?" I asked. That was ultimately what I wanted for her.

"Mostly," was all she said. That was the last we spoke of it that night because shortly after, I excused myself.

* * *

**_December 2013_**

"Merry Christmas Derek."

I looked at Addie as she handed me a very badly wrapped present.

"You didn't have to get my anything." I protested.

"I know, I actually bought it in July for you. I want you to have it." She said, blushing.

I opened it up slowly and smiled. It was a nameplate that said, Derek Christopher Shepherd, M.D.

"I figured when you become a hotshot Neurosurgeon with your own private practice, this could go on your desk." She said.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"You're welcome." She paused. "Good night Derek."

"You don't have to run off." I told her. Truth was, I missed her. More than I ever thought I would.

"I have…plans." She told me gently. "Bye."

"Bye. Merry Christmas…Addie." But she was already gone.

* * *

**_Christmas Eve, December 24, 2013_**

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la. Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la."

"What are you doing here in the corner." Amber asked me.

"Trying to get over the sugar shock of all the happy little people here." I said.

"Yeah." She sighed.

I looked at her, really looked at her.

"What's wrong Am?" I asked.

"I broke up with my boyfriend right before I came here." She admitted.

"Why?" I asked. She had been crazy about him.

"Too many differences." She said, leaving it at that.

We sat in comfortable silence for several moments, her head resting on my shoulder as our family scurried about, singing and laughing and enjoying the holiday.

"You going to be okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah, it's just Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love." She said.

I immediately thought not of Meredith, but of Addie as I wondered what she was doing tonight? Was she with her boyfriend, her family in their stuffy Manhattan apartment? Was she alone? Was she thinking of me?

"Yeah." I agreed.

"You love her Derek, you may not be in love with her, but you love her. It's more than some people have to go on. Meredith is gone, and she isn't coming back. She has moved on and it is time for you to as well." Amber said.

I smiled at her ability to read my mind. I had told Amber about seeing Meredith that night. I needed to talk to someone, and she knew me too well to accept it when I said it was nothing.

"You may be right." I said.

"I know I'm right. I am always right." She mocked.

"Except when you're wrong." I laughed.

"Shut it." She demanded, resting her head on my shoulder.

We stayed that way long into the evening.

* * *

**_December 26, 2013_**

I stood in front of Addie's apartment, not quite sure how I had gotten here. I succinctly remember joining in on the festivities with my family. I remember that Nancy had gotten engaged. Poor guy. I remember opening up gifts but the only one I could think of was the one Addie had gotten me. Finally, I couldn't stand it and had kissed Ma goodbye and rented a car, driving all night to get here.

And here I was at…I checked my watch…six am on Addie's day off. She was not going to be pleased.

I knocked anyhow. Okay I banged. I was a tad impatient.

"Hold on. I am coming. This had better be good." I heard her mutter as she unlocked her six locks. "Only two things am I willing to get out of bed for; surgery and sex."

Finally the door swung open and she was facing me.

She was in a pair of short shorts and a tank top, her hair all mussed and no makeup on. She was lovely.

"Derek! Are you okay?" She asked, immediately concerned.

"Yes. No. I don't know." I sighed, running a hand through my wind riddled locks. "Can I come in?" I asked.

She hesitated.

"Oh, Kirk is here, isn't he? I mean, the guy you are seeing…I'm sorry. I am just gonna go." I finally remembered what I had in my hands. "Here." I thrust the present at her and left quickly, ignoring her when she called my name.

I went home and fell into a depression aided sleep.

I was woken up by a pounding on the door. I sat up and looked at the clock. I had been out for seven hours. I stumbled to the door and opened it as quickly as I could.

"What?" I yelled.

Addison was standing there with dripping wet hair and soaked clothes. When did it start raining was my first thought. My second was to get her inside and warm.

I hustled her inside and grabbed her a towel, a pair of my boxers and a shirt. I handed them to her and waited for her to go to the bathroom and change. She came out looking much warmer. She hesitated in the doorway to the living room.

"So…"

"I…"

We both looked at each other and laughed awkwardly. I patted the couch and she gracefully walked over and sat down.

"Did you have a good Christmas with your family?" She asked.

"Yeah, it was good. Had a lot of time to think." I told her. "You?"

"It was the same as always. Surrounded my people I don't know, whose sole purpose is to kiss my parent's ass." She informed me.

"Fun." I said.

"I got your present." She said.

"Yeah, I know. I handed it to you."

"No you more like threw it at me." She laughed.

"Sorry. I didn't want to get you in trouble." I said.

"He wasn't there. I broke up with him last week." She informed me.

"Oh? Why?" I asked, wishing I hadn't of as soon as the words came out.

"He wasn't you." She said quietly.

"Oh." Brilliant wording there Derek.

"So? What does this mean?" She sat her present in front of me. It was a photo album with pictures of us, most of them were when we were friends, some when we were dating. They filled up a fourth of the album. The rest of the pages were blank.

"It means we have a lot of pages to fill." I said simply.

"How are we going to do that?" She asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"Well," I took a deep breath. "We will have to start dating again. Really give it a try. That is if you want."

A tear spilled over as she nodded.

"I want that a lot." She said.

I pressed my lips to hers and felt nothing but relief.

* * *

**_February 14, 2014_**

"So, what did you think of the movie?" She asked, entwining her arm with mine.

"It was funny." I said.

Almost two months had passed, and we were doing really good. We communicated, we laughed, we rarely fought. I had moved in with her in January, seeing as I stayed over at her place more than I did my own that we might as well combine our finances. Made this next step easier.

I hadn't thought of Meredith often. I had made a sort of peace with the circumstances at which I had found myself. She had looked happy and I needed to make myself happy. Addie made me happy, or as happy as I could be. Nancy, and then Kathleen, had married in the last two months. Both times I had went and escorted them down the aisle, taking my father's rightful place. Kathleen's marriage was sort of surprising, just as the fact that she was pregnant.

My family was growing, moving forward and I was taking baby steps towards moving forward but I still felt as though I was standing still. I wanted that to change.

No, I needed that to change.

We went back to our apartment. We settled in on the couch and she bounced as she gave me my gift. I opened it and found a state-of-the-art electronic fishing pole and expensive lures.

I looked up in surprise.

"How did you know…" I asked.

"I called your Mom and she told me you used to love to go fishing and my parents have this lake front property on the coast so I thought we could go there one weekend and you could fish." She said.

"Thank you. I love it." I said. And I did.

"Okay your turn." My hands shook nervously as I handed her the gift.

She opened it with a smile and then the smile left, and she gasped. She looked up at me, then back at her gift and her eyes had so many emotions in them, I couldn't tell what was what.

"Are you sure?" She whispered.

"Yes." And I was.

She looked down at her nameplate that said Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd and then back at me.

"Then, yes." She whispered.

This is me, moving on.


	26. The Wedding

_Book Two, Part Nine: The Wedding_

**_April 19, 2014_**

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Mel asked anxiously as she pulled down her dress.

"Mel, really." Ma admonished. "Your brother is getting married today to a lovely woman. There is no sense in you making him nervous."

"Easy for you to say, you are not dressed like you are part of the cast of the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." She grumbled.

"The dresses are not that short." Amber argued.

"They are, when you are six months pregnant." Kathleen said. She did look like she swallowed a basketball. The fuchsia dress on her made her look like a dark pink pear.

"At least you are not in baby girl pink." Mel hissed. "Pink! I think she just did that to piss me off."

"Will you guys come on? Addison is wonderful. This is her day and she included the four of us in the wedding when she didn't have to. She is going to be part of our family in less than an hour." Nancy gushed.

She really loved Addison. I think she loved her more than she loved me.

"I still don't know why I am in a short pink dress. You can see my hoo ha from outer space if I bend over." Mel complained…again.

"Girls. Out! I want a few minutes alone with my son." Ma ordered.

They all complied, Mel still tugging on her damn dress.

Ma shook her head in exasperation and then smiled at me. She walked over and started fussing with my bowtie.

"You look very handsome." She said.

"Thanks Ma. You don't look so bad yourself."

Her smile faded just a bit.

"Your father would be so proud of you." She whispered.

I blinked back the sudden onslaught of tears.

"I hope so." I said.

"I know that things haven't been easy for you. What with you seeing your father's murder and having to leave Meredith…" I held up a hand to stop her, but she raised her hand in a plea for me to let her finish. "You loved her. I am guessing you still do."

I nodded.

"I thought so. I know that this decision to marry Addie, to let her in, wasn't an easy one, but I am proud that you are trying. That you are moving on." She said.

"Am I doing the right thing, Ma?" I asked. "What if I can't love her as much as I love Meredith? What if we end up resenting each other? What if…"

"What if one of you gets hit by a bus? Derek we never know what the future holds. You know that better than anyone. All you can do is love her the best you can. And I do think you love her as much as Meredith, but in a different way." She soothed.

I took a deep breath, letting it out as a discrete knock sounded on the door.

Amber peeked her head in.

"It's time, DerBear." She said softly.

I nodded.

"Let's go."

I met up with Weiss and Father John and walked to the front of the church. I was astounded at the number of people that were at this wedding. There had to be at least two hundred guests. I didn't know this many people. Must be Addison's parent's 'friends'.

The music started, and a little girl and boy walked down the aisle throwing pink rose petals on the pink carpet. There were pink drapes over the pews. Get the picture?

The church looked like it was hosed down in Pepto Bismol.

The bridesmaid entered; first Kathleen, then Mel, then Amber, Savvy, her Maid of Honor, and Nancy was her Matron of Honor. My groomsman were my brothers in law, Peter and Ethan, Archer, Addie's brother and Addie's cousin, Mike.

Then everyone stood, and my bride appeared. She looked breathtakingly lovely in a huge white wedding dress. Her hair was up with a veil over it. Her father escorted her down the aisle and suddenly there she was, taking my hand.

It was over in a whirl. We said our vows, exchanged our rings, kissed, taken hundreds of pictures, and now we were dancing our first dance as Dr. and Mrs. Derek Shepherd.

"Are you sure it is okay I am hyphenating my name?" Addison asked suddenly.

"Of course. It doesn't really matter to me."

She smiled happily.

"I am Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd."

"What a mouthful." I teased.

"Yeah, but a good one. We are going to be an unstoppable force Derek. We are going to be Mr. and Mrs. Fabulously Happy."

"Sounds wonderful."

And it did, I needed some happy in my life.

* * *

**_July 17, 2014_**

"I can't believe we are third years. We get to pick our specialties this year." Addie said, as we walked hand and hand into the hospital.

"You still going for Obstetrics and Gynecology?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes! But I am thinking of doing a side study in Genetics, since that goes along with those. What do you think?" She asked.

"I think you are amazing." I answered.

"What about you? I know you are torn between Cardio and General." She asked.

"I don't know yet. I still have time." I smiled at her. I kissed her as I reached my destination.

"Okay. I will meet up with you for lunch if possible." She said.

"Okay, bye." As I left her there, my phone rang. I cursed as I struggled to get that monstrosity out of my lab coat. Someone needed to make a smaller and thinner phone.

"Yeah." I answered.

"Is that anyway to answer the phone when your mother is calling?"

"Hey Ma. Sorry. I am at work. Is something wrong?"

"No, does something have to be wrong when I call my son?"

I sighed.

"No Ma." And then I waited.

"I wanted to see how married life was going for you."

"Same as it was going yesterday when you asked." I pointed out. My mother was worried I was going to realize I did the wrong thing and take off to Seattle.

"Just asking. I worry about you. So…have you two thought any more about giving me a grandbaby?" She asked.

I groaned.

"Ma, we just got married three months ago! You have Savanna. And Nancy is pregnant, and you will have a grandson soon enough. So why are you bothering me?"

"I am not bothering you, Derek Christopher Shepherd! I am mothering you."

"More like smothering me." I mumbled.

"I heard that!"

"Fuck!" I cursed.

"Derek!"

"Sorry! Look I am at work, I have to go. We can continue this conversation later, much later."

"Okay then. I love you." She said.

"I love you too, Ma."

I hung up and headed to rounds.

* * *

"Who's presenting?" Dr. Thomas Mitchell, the Head of Neurosurgery, asked. I looked to the patient who had bony growths protruding out of his skull and face.

I stood up straighter. "Jake Burton. Fifteen. Has advanced craniodiaphyseal dysplasia. Was admitted last night after complaining of headaches."

"He's not a complainer." Mrs. Burton informed us.

"He's been having some nausea as well." Mr. Burton added.

"Okay, may I?" Dr. Mitchell asks. The parents moved aside. "Jake, can I get you to sit up please?"

"Sure." Jake said easily.

"I want you to look right here for me." He holds up a finger in front of me, causing Jake to look at me. I feel a little uncomfortable and I shift my gaze away from him.

"You know you could pretend I'm a lion. It helps." Jake told me.

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"You could pretend I'm a lion and then instead of a really messed up kid you get a talking circus animal which is way easier to look at."

I chuckled.

"Dr. Shepherd, what's our immediate concern?" Dr. Mitchell asked.

"Ah that the bony tumors are growing inward and encroaching on his brain." I replied.

"Very good Dr. Shepherd." He turned to Jake's parents. "We are just going to go in and see if we can remove some of the more dangerous ones."

"Okay." Mrs. Burton said.

"Dr. Shepherd, you can assist with Jake's surgery today." He handed me the chart.

"Thank you sir." I replied, winking at Jake before getting ready to draw blood from him.

"Are you going all vampire on me?" Jake asked.

"Shhh. You will blow my cover." I teased.

"Oh don't want to do that." He said.

"Will Jake be all right, Dr. Shepherd?" His mom asked anxiously.

"Dr. Mitchell is one of the best, but I can't answer that." I answered her honestly.

She nodded in understanding.

Two hours later, after fending off an overeager 'hotshot' plastics moron, we were waiting for him to be put under.

"Thanks, you know, for earlier. I don't particularly think I am nice to look at, but in my parent's eyes, I am perfect. If something happens today and I don't make it, I want them to know that even though I could've, I wouldn't change a thing about myself, cause it's who I am."

"None of that talk. You are going to be fine." I said.

"I have had four of these surgeries. I know the drill. If I do go, I have made peace with it." He said.

I moved aside as they put him to sleep and we got to work.

I was holding the suction tube when I heard the beeping. I looked at the monitor wildly and started doing compressions.

Fifteen minutes later, I called it.

"Time of death, 16:42."

I wrenched off my mask and stormed out.

I was leaning, bracing myself on the sink when Dr. Mitchell walked in.

"You did good work today." He said.

I looked at him questioningly.

"How was that good work? He died!"

"Everybody dies someday. It is a fact of life. It is what you do while you are alive and what we do as surgeons to help you live longer, that matters."

"He was fifteen fucking years old! He was a kid!" I ranted.

"He was and that sucks, but we did all we could do. I am going to inform the parents right now, but I would like you to consider Neuro. You did really good today and I enjoyed working with you. You are intelligent, responsible and have an amazing bedside manner."

I stared at him in shock.

He slapped me on the back. "Think about it."

I stared at the door he vacated longer than was necessary before looking into the quiet OR where Jake lay still. I entered it quietly. I don't know why, nothing to disturb really but it was so peaceful in here. He looked peaceful.

That's when I knew…

* * *

"Neuro? That wasn't even one of your choices." Addie said.

I sat down on the bed next to her, taking my shoes off.

"I know, but this case today. It…just did something to me. I can't explain it." I looked at her. She crawled over to me and wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm sorry you had a tough day. Why don't you get some sleep and maybe you will feel better tomorrow?" She suggested.

I smiled gratefully at her and laid down, resting my head on my soft pillow. She laid down and rested her head on my chest. I brought my hand up to play in her hair.

And for some reason, for the first time in a long time, I wished her hair was blonde.

* * *

**Please read and review?**


	27. The Real Addison

_Book Two, Part Ten: The Real Addison_

**_April 19, 2016_**

"Happy Anniversary." Addison said, with a raise of her wine glass.

"Happy Anniversary." I smiled softly back at her.

We were in a swanky New York restaurant celebrating two years of marriage. They had been good, solid years. We were now in our fifth year of residency and had just bought our first home, a brownstone overlooking Central Park. It was expensive but I had extra income coming in from being Chief Resident and from working for the NYPD as a 'drunk tank doctor'. Basically, I made sure the drunks and other contained citizens were okay after fights, drunken rages, etc. It was interesting to say the least, but it paid well. And Addison had her trust fund.

Yes, I had married a trust fund baby. Imagine my surprise. Not that we used it, well I didn't. And I wouldn't. I wasn't living off my wife's money. Now, I am not sexist, and her paycheck contributes to our bills but that is her money, not our money and I wouldn't be touching it.

Besides we had a comfortable life. Two new cars, new house, nice clothes and furnishings. We were the 'it' couple to most. They would look at us and want to be us. It was nice to be part of something like that.

"I'm happy." Addison said contently.

"Me too, Addie." I agreed. I was happy.

"Did you even think we would end up like this?" She asked.

"End up like what? Happy?" I asked.

"No, married you moron." She grinned to show me she was kidding.

"When we first met?" I asked. She nodded. "No." I answered honestly.

"Yeah, I knew that. I did." She confessed.

"You knew we would marry?" I asked, surprised.

"Of course. I just had to win you over. No small feat, Mr. Depressed, but I did it." She said proudly.

I frowned slightly.

"We were friends first." I smiled at her.

"No, you were friends. I was in love with you and gave you what you needed." She corrected.

Okay, I wasn't liking the directions this conversation was headed.

"So you only pretended to be friends with me in order to get me to marry you?" I asked.

She must have caught on to my tone of voice because she laughed lightly and grabbed my hand.

"I didn't mean it like that. I loved being your friend, but I knew we were destined for more. Besides, I was right. Look at us. Married for two years." She boasted proudly, eating her dessert.

I sat back and watched her. Something was underhanded in her statement. I just didn't know what.

But as always, I would put it aside. I was happy now. And I wanted to stay that way.

**_December 25, 2016_**

"Merry Christmas!" Ma gasped as she let us in. "Come inside and warm up. You two must be frozen."

We entered the front hall, stomping the snow off our feet. Well I stomped; Addie gently tapped her three hundred-dollar heels on the carpet. Who wears stilettos in snow?

The answer would be…my wife.

Ma hugged me as soon as I was out of my coat and I squeezed her back. It was good to see her. It had been a year since I had last seen her, and I felt guilty about that fact as I should have.

"It's been forever." Ma said, her eyes sparkling. "You look so good." She gushed.

She turned to Addie and hugged her.

"Are you keeping him in line?" She asked.

"I certainly try Carolyn." Addie said. "But I couldn't talk him out of wearing that God-awful sweater." She said shaking her head.

Ma barely masked her hurt look. She had bought me this sweater last year and I loved it.

"Yes, well. Are you hungry? I made chicken alfredo with Caesar salad and homemade yeast rolls."

"Sounds wonderful." I said. And it did. Addie didn't cook…at all. I did some cooking but most of the time we ate out.

We said our greetings to everyone else. In addition to Amber, Nance, Katie and Mel, there was now Peter and Ethan, Mel's 'friend' Kyle, four nieces and two nephews. We had grown in two and a half years.

I was seated at one head of the table with Ma at the other. I was next to Addie and Amber and Nancy was on the other side of Addie. Typical. They talked to each other every day. Every damn day. Nancy was like something sticky that wouldn't blow off.

Ma served me and went to put some pasta on Addie's plate but Addie covered it with her hand.

"I will just have salad. I am on a diet." She said sweetly. "Too many carbs makes you fat."

Ma blinked.

"Of course Dear." She smiled though I could tell once again, she was hurt. Ma had always been on the stockier side but she always said that you might as well enjoy a good meal cause you could be skinny when you died.

I wanted to kick my wife under the table. I took a deep breath and focused on my meal.

"This is great Ma. I missed your cooking. Very hard to get a home cooked meal at my house." I said. Yes that was a direct dig at my wife and she deserved it.

"Why cook when there is take out?" Addie laughed.

"Better watch those carbs though, right Dear?" Ma said innocently. I laughed under my breath. Mel didn't bother hiding her reaction.

"It is a good thing you are watching what you eat Addison. You are getting rather wide in the thighs. Wait, you're not pregnant, are you? You are! I can see a bump!" She said, knowing good and well Addie wasn't pregnant.

Amber joined in.

"I can see it too! What are you, three, four months along?" She gushed.

Addie stiffened.

"I am not pregnant. I have no interest in being a mother." She said.

That brought all conversation to a screeching halt. Everyone, including myself, looked at Addie with a shocked expression.

"What?" I asked tersely.

"We are both doctors. When would we have time to raise a child? We would have to hire a nanny…it is just best to not even entertain the idea." She nodded, agreeing with herself.

"But Derek wants children." Ma said.

"And I don't. And seeing as I am the one to have to carry it for nine months and go through labor, I should have the right to choose not to have children. I would be the one being imposed upon." She argued.

"You don't want kids?" I asked, still reeling.

"No, I don't." She said in a clipped tone. "Can we drop it now?"

"How is work Derek?" Katie said.

I allowed the change of subject. It was Christmas and I wasn't going to let Addie ruin it for me.

"Great. Being Chief Resident is a big responsibility, but I love it. It's challenging but I love it. How is your practice?"

We all exchanged details of our jobs and lives and families.

Apparently this family was the only one I would have.

**_3 Years Laters  
_****_October 14, 2019_**

"That was amazing Dr. Shepherd!" Anna gushed.

"Thanks Dr. Carter. Are you interested in Neurosurgery?" I asked the eager intern.

"I didn't know but watching you in that surgery was just…everything. Your hands were inside his brain and now he can talk, and he will be able to walk. It is just…"

"Amazing?" I chuckled.

"Yes."

"Who's amazing?" Addie asked, walking up and kissing me on my cheek. That was her way of marking her territory.

We had been married for over five years and we had become…stagnant. We were good friends who lived together and happened to be married. She was bitchy and I was passive aggressive. Worked for us, I guess.

"Dr. Shepherd is, well, and the brain he fixed." Anna said to Addie.

"Yes well my husband is very talented." She said sweetly.

"You are very lucky Dr. Shepherd." Anna said politely to Addie. I knew Anna was not flirting with me. She was happily engaged to another intern named Steve.

"Yes, he is, isn't he?" Addie said deliberately mistaking Anna's comment. I barely refrained from rolling my eyes.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?"

We all looked to see Pierce Dalton standing there. He was six foot two, with blond hair and brown eyes. Eyes locked on my wife's breasts.

"Can we help you Dr. Dalton?" I asked sharply.

"I just need Addie for a moment." He informed me.

Addie?

I looked at her suspiciously and noticed her face remained impassive. I was going crazy. I was making mountains out of molehills.

"I will leave you to it." I said. I turned to Addie. "I have a late surgery, so I will be home around eleven." I said, kissing her cheek.

"Okay." She said softly, her eyes shining with a light I thought had been lost. Maybe we needed couples counseling.

I would look into it.

* * *

I opened the door wearily to our home. It was 9:15 and I was home early because the patient had died an hour into the surgery.

I hung my coat up and noticed one I didn't recognize.

Odd.

I shrugged and trudged up the stairs, trying to be quiet in case Addie was sleeping. I walked towards our bedroom and I noticed her skirt and then her blouse and then her bra and panties trailing down the hallway.

I perked up.

She wanted sex. Sex was good. I could use sex.

I smiled and pushed open the door to our bedroom but nothing…nothing…could compare me for what I saw.

My wife with her legs wrapped around Pierce Dalton's hips while he pistoled into her causing her to fall into a screaming orgasm. He finished soon after.

I just stood there, in shock. Yes, we had problems. Yes, we weren't the happiest couple out there. But to betray our vows like this and with someone we work with, was inexcusable.

I finally found my voice.

"Would you please get your dick out of my wife?"

Addie…Addison…shrieked as Pierce vaulted out of bed. He hurriedly found his clothes and was throwing them on as I watched impassively.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I walked out of the room. I heard her feet pounding down the stairs after me.

"Derek! Derek! I'm sorry. It was only that one time I swear. I know everyone says that, but it is true. I love you. I don't know why I did it!"

"You don't know why you did it?" I asked incredulously. "I just watched some guy fuck you in my bed on my favorite sheets and all you can say is 'I don't know why I did it'?"

"Please don't leave. If you leave, we will never make it. Please…We are Derek and Addie."

"I can't…I don't…" I sputtered. "I can't look at you right now. You disgust me."

"What?" She said, panicked.

"I know we have had problems; I know we got lazy, I know we are both absent but for you to do this to me…I have to go." I said abruptly.

"You can't leave." She pleaded.

"Sure I can. I am good at leaving, didn't you know? But the only difference between leaving you and leaving Meredith, is that it hurt me to leave Meredith. Goodbye Addison."

I walked out into the pouring rain and stood there for a moment.

I didn't have anywhere to go. My family was scattered, Savvy was Addison's friend…I was all alone right now.

So, I got in my car and headed to where alone people went.

A hotel.

Now what do I do?

* * *

**So, the real Addison has been revealed, what do you think will happen now?**


	28. Going Home

_Book Two, Part Eleven: Going Home_

**_January 3, 2020_**

"What do you need from Addison, Derek?"

I looked at our therapist with a raised eyebrow.

"Not fucking someone else would be a start." I replied dryly.

She sighed next to me.

After months of separation, she had finally managed to get me to go to couples counseling. I didn't actually know why I was here, however. She had humiliated me. She had crushed my trust.

And yet, here I was.

"What do you need from Derek, Addison?" He asked.

"I need him to forgive me and give me another chance." She said.

I snorted.

"Would you stop being a child about this?" She raged.

"Would you stop being an adulterous whore?" I countered.

She pursed her lips and then looked away.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." She whispered.

"Yeah, well, you did."

"I know, and I am sorry. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't." She said.

"Why did you feel the need to cheat?" Dr. Williams asked.

"The last couple of years have been…distant. We were always busy. We didn't bother to fight or make love. We barely ever talked. It wasn't that way in the beginning and I just handled it wrong. This should have been my first step." She admitted.

"No your first step should have been talking to me." I said.

"Would you have listened?" She asked, focusing on me again.

"Of course I would've." I said.

"Really?" She asked.

I thought back through the years; blowing her off for a surgery, forgetting dates, staying that the hospital instead of coming home, seeing the light die from her eyes little by little.

"I would like to think I would've, but I don't know." I admitted.

"I just wanted you to love me like…" She trailed off.

"Like what Addison, finish your sentence please. You can't work through this unless you are honest." Dr. Williams said.

"I wanted you to love me like you loved her." She whispered.

I let out a breath.

"Who is her?" He asked.

"His first girlfriend. He had to leave her, and he never got over her."

"That's not true." I objected.

"Isn't it? You were always comparing me to her, always talking about her, crying about her."

"That was in the beginning. I haven't brought her up since before we were married."

"Yes you did."

"What? The night I caught you with him? Yeah, that is understandable I think." I huffed.

"No, that's not what I am talking about. You would say her name when you slept, you would say her name sometimes when we made love. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want you to feel bad but that cut deep Derek."

"I didn't know."

"I know that. I didn't tell you. And I know I should've talked to you, to make you listen but he was just there, and he made me feel like I was the only one, not like I was a replacement." She explained. "I'm sorry."

"That doesn't excuse it." I said.

"I know. I am not trying to make excuses. I am trying to make you see how I felt." She said.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I want you to love me. I want you to want me. Not because I am there, or because you want to get over her but because I am me." She said.

"You don't want kids." I said.

She blinked. Yeah that came out of left field I know, but it bothered me.

"I didn't want kids then, I said nothing about not wanting them now." She said, confused.

"You insulted my family."

"I don't know how to act around one. My family…you know how they are. I don't know normal. I will apologize."

"You hurt me."

"You hurt me." She said.

"Time is up, excellent progress." Dr. Williams said cheerfully. We just looked at him like he was crazy.

We walked out and made another appointment.

"Do you think we can work it out?" She asked.

"I don't know." I said before leaving.

* * *

**_March 14, 2020_**

"Dr. Shepherd?"

I frowned at the unfamiliar voice.

"Yes?"

"This is Dr. Miranda Bailey, Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital." She stated.

"How can I help you Dr. Bailey?" I asked, confused.

"You can help me by getting your tail out here and work for me." She said.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked.

"Are you deaf? Or are you just stupid? I thought I made myself clear." She stated.

I chuckled.

"No, I am not deaf, or stupid."

"That remains to be seen. So how about it?" She said.

"You want me to make a decision now? I haven't even met you or seen what you have to offer me and you want me to say yes?"

She laughed.

"That is the only answer I am prepared to take but if you must play hardball, I will be out your way next Friday. You can take me to dinner, and we can discuss your future here with me. See you then."

She hung up and I stared at the phone for a long time after. That woman had some balls.

* * *

"How was your day?" Addie asked. Yes, she was Addie again. We had been in therapy for three months and we had dinner two nights a week. She still lived in the brownstone and I lived in an apartment eleven blocks away. It was lonely.

"I was offered a job in Seattle." I told her.

She froze, wine glass halfway to her mouth.

"And what did you say?" She asked.

"I said I would have to think about it. She will be here next Friday to talk to me."

"But you are considering it?" She asked.

"Yes, I am."

"Oh." She said, forcing a smile.

"That doesn't mean I am taking it or that I am running away from us. I will consult you about this. We are still married." I said gently.

I hadn't forgiven her, but I did see what role I had played in her decisions. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't her fault, it was our fault. While I wasn't sure where we were going, I owed it to us to try. That was in the vows.

For better or worse.

We had definitely seen both.

* * *

**_March 21, 2020_**

"How many hair products do you have to use to keep that from turning into an afro?"

I turned around with a smirk. I recognized that voice. I looked level and then down, down and down some more. I raised an eyebrow. She couldn't be more than 4'11.

"Say it and you will be eating my fist." She warned.

I made a motion of zipping my lips and throwing away the key. A smile twitched at her lips.

"Derek Shepherd." I said, extending my hand.

"Miranda Bailey." She said, taking it in a firm handshake.

"Shall we?" I asked, gesturing her to lead the way.

We got into my car and I took her to my favorite restaurant, Callihan's.

She looked around the place with approval.

"Thank God, you didn't take me to one of those stuffy places where I have to worry about which fork to use." She commented.

"I hate those places too." I winked.

We talked about her vision for Seattle Grace and I told her that I had lived near there for a few years when I was younger. She talked about the neurosurgeon I would be working with that was 'brilliant' and how I would fit right in.

"Do you have a family?" She asked.

"A big one but if you mean kids, no."

"You're not married?" She asked.

"Yes. I am." I told her.

"What does she do?" She asked.

"She is a surgeon as well, Obstetrics and Gynecology with a fellow in Genetics."

"Wow. That's impressive. Maybe I should just hire her, and you can become a house husband." She laughed.

"I don't know if she is coming with me." I admitted.

"Of course she is. You are married to Addison Montgomery." She said with a scowl.

"Why did you ask me if I was married if you knew the answer?" I asked.

"Wanted to see if you were trying to get me in bed." She said seriously.

My eyes went wide and I sputtered for a few seconds.

"Relax. I am kidding." She grinned. "You are not my type. I don't go for good looking, charming Neurosurgeons."

* * *

**_March 26, 2020_**

"It is an impressive package she is offering." Addie sighed. We were at my apartment going through the information left by Dr. Bailey.

"It is." I agreed, sighing and settling back into my couch.

Addie turned to me.

"You being hired is not reliant on me accepting." She said.

"I know that." I said. "What's your point?"

"My point is that, I don't have to go if you don't want me there." She said, looking away from me.

I placed my head on the back-couch cushion and looked up at the ceiling. I stayed silent, lost in my thoughts of what I wanted.

"Der?" She asked hesitantly.

"If you go, it could be a fresh start for us together. If you stay here, it will be a fresh start apart." I mused.

"Um…yeah." She said. She might as well have said 'duh'.

"I don't know yet." I said.

She sighed, and I felt her stand up. I let my head loll to the side and looked at her.

"You need to decide soon. The ball is in your court. Either you want me to go or you don't. But I need to know soon so I can uproot my life here and go with you. I am willing to do that for you, for us." She reached into her bag and withdrew a folder. She laid it on the table. "These are divorce papers. You sign, I sign. If you don't sign, let me know and we can start over."

She left me looking at that damn manila folder.

I withdrew the papers and read over them. It was short and to the point. We would keep our individual cars, sell the Brownstone, split up what we accumulated when we were married; furnishings, stocks, bonds, etc.

That was it, six years of marriage and signing four pieces of papers would end it.

Permanently.

* * *

**_April 3, 2020_**

"Congratulations Dr. Shepherd. You own forty beautiful acres of land in Seattle."

I thanked the man on the phone and smiled happily. I had accepted the job in Seattle and now I had a place to live…kind of.

I had the land but no house. Not enough time to have one built before July. I had some thinking to do…

More thinking to do. I still hadn't signed the papers. I had tried. Every night I sat there with a pen hovered over the line with my name on it and I couldn't do it.

"Hey. Who was that?"

I looked at Addie and I smiled. Yes, smiled. I saw a light in her eyes that had been missing for a long time. A light I helped extinguish.

"We need to talk." I told her.

* * *

"You accepted the job." She stated once we had sat down with our food.

"Yes." I said. "And I just bought forty acres of land that I have no idea what I can do with before July. I looked at those Airstream trailers. They are small but should do until I have a house built. Miranda was so happy. I swear I heard her dancing in her office when I called her." I laughed and ignored the hurt look on her face for now.

"That's…great Derek. I am so happy for you." She said, feigning happiness for me.

"Thank you. So, what do you think about the trailer, just until a house can be built?" I asked.

"Oh, I…whatever makes you happy Der." She whispered.

"You should have some input too, seeing as you will be living in it too." I said with a sly glance at her.

"Why would I have…Oh!" She exclaimed as she got it. A smile broke over her face. "Really? You want me to go with you?" She asked, bouncing in her seat. I bit back a laugh. Addie didn't bounce.

"Really. We can work on it, on us. See how it goes away from everything New York." I agreed.

"This isn't some cruel joke?" She asked, her face guarded.

"No." I shook my head laughing.

She launched herself into my arms and cried into my neck.

"Thank you. I am so sorry Derek." She sobbed.

"I'm sorry too, Addie." I said hugging her tightly.

* * *

**_June 24, 2020_**

"Now you will call when you get there?" Ma asked for the fiftieth time.

"Yes Ma." I laughed. "We will be fine."

She looked over at Addie, who was hugging Nancy.

"Are you sure about this?" She asked, and I knew she didn't mean Seattle.

"Yeah. We both made mistakes and you have to allow for the fact that she was raised by wolves." I teased.

A smiled ghosted over my Ma's face, but she remained stoic.

"She hurt you." She said.

"I hurt her. I knew I would in the long run, but I made vows Ma." I explained.

"Yes, you did, and I am very proud of you for upholding them even though she broke one." She said.

"Forgiveness is divine Ma. Haven't you ever heard that?" I teased.

"Have you, forgiven her?" She asked.

"Not completely but we just need time. She is sorry."

Ma nodded and hugged me once more and then hugged Addie before letting us go. We had a long flight ahead of us.

"I will talk to you all once we land."

"You better." Amber yelled.

"Don't be a stranger either." Mel scolded.

"Okay. Okay. Let us go now or we have to stay here forever and since we sold the Brownstone, we will have to shack up with one of you."

"Go!" Mel urged, laughing.

I waved goodbye and then I was gone.

Setting out to find myself in the only home I had ever really known.

Washington.

* * *

**So, Derek decided to go to Seattle...WITH ADDISON! What do you guys think about that? Do you think that Derek will see Meredith?**


	29. Book Three, The Beginning

**Okay Everyone! This is the beginning of Book Three, I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

_Book Three, Part One: The Beginning_

**_Present Day 2020_**

_Meredith's Point of View_

I was in a tunnel. Voices washed over me, but I couldn't make heads or tails out of what they were saying. Hands were touching me, soothing me; arms lifted me. I was airborne, flying away from the truth I didn't want to face. Being carried away from my past. The past I knew I would one day have to face.

That day being today.

"Mer."

I shied away, not wanting to be conscious yet. Not wanting to see the worry in Mark's eyes, the confusion in Bailey's or _his _wife's, not wanting to face _him_.

"Mer, please come to. Do you think she has a concussion?" He asked someone.

"I don't know. It didn't look like she hit her head that hard." Cristina said.

"Let me check." A man suggested.

"Stay away from her." Mark growled. "You have done enough? Why the hell are you here?" Oh, must be _him_.

"I asked him here. Would someone tell me what the hell is going on?" Bailey asked. "Why did my Neurosurgeon pass out when she laid eyes on Dr. Shepherd?"

There was silence. I don't know if it was because a look could speak a thousand words or if no one wanted to answer the question.

"Hello? I am asking a question here and judging by the look on at least four of your faces, you all know the answer in one form or another, so spill." She demanded.

Still silence.

"Yang."

"Yes Dr. Bailey?" Cristina asked.

"You know what is going on." Bailey stated.

"I…um…huh?" Cristina stalled.

"Yang. Do you like operating?" Bailey threatened.

It was definitely time to wake up.

I groaned.

"Mer!" Mark brushed my head back and I swore I heard Cristina say 'Thank God'.

"Ouch." I whispered.

My eyelid was pulled back suddenly and I blinked against the pressure and the light.

"Mer?" Lexie asked. I didn't even know she was in the room.

I pulled away.

"Stop that." I grumbled.

"She's okay." Lexie announced happily.

"And that is your expert opinion, because…" Mark asked roughly.

"She is being grouchy." Lexie said with attitude.

"Will you two knock it off?" I asked, raising into a sitting position. Bad idea. My head felt like it had been twisted around like the girl's in the Exorcist.

I laid back down.

"Get her on a monitor." Bailey ordered. "And get her a shot of Meclizine."

"I'm fine Bailey. I just didn't eat breakfast." I explained. I was lying but she didn't know that.

"Ye…" Lexie began but I reached casually over and pinched her leg. She yelped.

I shot her a look.

"You should always eat breakfast Mer." She said, rubbing her leg.

"See, I just need to lie down for a few minutes and then I will be as good as new." I told Bailey.

She looked at my blood pressure reading and nodded.

"Okay, but if you feel dizzy at all, you go home. And eat something Grey. You are withering away as it is." She admonished.

"No I am just thin. Good genes and all." I boasted teasingly.

"Are you saying I don't have good genes Grey?" She asked.

"Of course not Bailey. They fit you just fine." I joked.

A smile graced her lips.

"Okay. I will check in with you later." She looked to Mark. "Make her go home if she doesn't feel better."

"Yes Ma'am." He nodded.

She left and my teasing manner dropped as did everyone else's. I avoided the doorway I knew _he_ was leaning against. I avoided his wife, who stood next to _him._

I focused on Lexie.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Thanks for covering." I said.

"You're welcome." She leaned down to hug me. "Who is he, Mer?" She whispered.

"I will talk to you later." I said.

She knew what I meant and she took her leave after a curious look at him and her.

"Cris." I said.

She nodded and after a glare at him, she left.

Mark ignored the other occupants in the room and sat on my bed.

"Don't ever do that to me again. You scared me." He said.

"Mia." I mouthed.

He nodded and looked at his watch. He glanced uncertainly behind him.

"I will be fine. Might as well get it out of the way." I said.

"Are you going to tell him?" He asked softly.

I raised my chin.

"Not yet." I decided.

He nodded and kissed my forehead before standing up and walking to the doorway. I heard him growl.

"If you upset her any more than you have, you will answer to me." Mark threatened.

I heard no response.

"I'm just going to be outside." I heard her say to him softly. I heard the door close behind her as she gave us our privacy.

"Mer. Look at me, please." He pleaded.

I shook my head.

"So stubborn. See that hasn't changed any." He teased.

I finally focused my gaze on him, my harsh gaze.

He stopped smiling.

"See that's where you are wrong. Lots of things have changed." I informed him.

"So I see. You and Mark." Something about the way he said it made me take pause.

I cocked my head to the side with a questioning look in my eyes.

"You don't seem too surprised by that." I said.

"You needed someone to lean on, I guess." He shrugged but for some reason I didn't buy that explanation, but I was going to let it go. It didn't matter anyway.

"Yeah, Mark has been there for me." I said.

"How long?" He asked.

"How long what?" I asked hatefully. I wanted him gone already.

"Has he 'been there' for you?" He said, using air quotes.

"Fifteen years." I said clearly.

"Didn't take you long, huh?" He laughed sarcastically.

"What did you just say? Are you calling me a whore?" I asked.

"What? No." He said, startled.

"Good because I make no excuses for how I fixed what you broke. You left me all alone. I was catatonic for months. But I had my dad, and Cristina and Mark and…" I trailed off.

"And?" He asked.

"Why are you here?" I asked, changing the subject.

"I wanted to come home." He whispered.

I looked through the glass in the doorway where she was visible.

"Looks like you brought someone with you."

"Yeah. Addie. She's my wife."

"Yeah, I got that part before I passed out." I rolled my eyes. "Why didn't you stay wherever it was you were at? Why did you have to come here of all places?"

"I didn't know you were here." He said.

"Didn't you?" I asked.

He looked away but didn't answer.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Bet your lovely wife doesn't know that part." I said.

He finally looked at me.

"When did you become like this?" He asked. "The Meredith I knew was always smiling, always kind, never hateful."

I looked at him dead in his eyes.

"The Meredith you knew died the day you left her. And don't pretend you know me. You don't know the first thing about me. And that is the way it will stay. You do your work, I'll do mine. When we have to work together, we will remain professional, otherwise stay away from me." I said.

"I don't know that I want to." He admitted. "I missed you."

I shook my head vigorously.

"No. You have no choice in this matter. You will stay away from me. Now please go."

He took a step forward.

"Go!" I yelled. He stopped his advancement. "Walk out that door and go with your wife." I demanded.

He looked searchingly in my eyes. I made sure they stayed cold. He finally nodded and left the room.

I waited until I knew he was gone before I laid back on the bed, buried my head in my pillow and sobbed.


	30. Facing Truths

_Book Three, Part Two: Facing Truths_

_Derek's Point of View_

I quietly slipped out of the exam room and leaned briefly against the door, taking a much needed deep breath.

A soft hand touched my arm.

"You okay," came Addie's soft inquiry.

I shrugged her hand off and walked away, leaving her there. I know that probably had hurt her, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I searched for an empty room; any would do. I finally found one and slammed the door behind me as I paced the small on call room.

After all these years, to be face to face with her, to hear her voice, had been a fantasy of mine. A dream.

But never in the dream did she look at me with such hate, spew such vitriol at me. I knew that I deserved it, even if she didn't know the entire story. I had left her with no explanation other than I didn't love her anymore. That she wasn't good enough for me.

I was so lost in thought, I didn't notice that the door had opened until it slammed against the wall, knocking a picture down.

I looked into the angry gray eyes of one Dr. Mark Sloan.

He came so close to me that his nose almost touched mine. I stood my ground.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He said, so angry I could feel his spit spray my face.

"I am the new Neurosurgeon here at Seattle Grace." I said unnecessarily.

"Did you know?"

"Know what?" Yes, I was playing stupid.

"Don't you dare act like you don't know what I am talking about." He seethed. "Did you know Mer was here?"

"No." I answered honestly.

Yes, I had suspected. No, I didn't know for sure and I sure as hell didn't ask Bailey. But Mer loved Washington and this hospital. This is where her mom had gotten her start so it made sense that she would practice here.

"Yeah, sure it didn't." He said shortly.

I tried to reign in my temper and remember this had been one of my best friends. Then I thought about the fact that my best friend had moved in on my girlfriend and I got pissed all over again. It was a never-ending cycle.

"So you and Mer, huh?" I posed the same question to him as I had to her.

He raised his chin up to look me dead in the eye, just as she had.

"Yep." He said with a lackadaisical tone. I clenched my fists at the sight of the smirk across his lips.

"Why?" I asked.

"Why? Are you fucking kidding me? You left here there. She was destroyed when you left. It practically killed her. You practically killed her. It took all the people in her life to get her to start living again. To see past the hurt. To see that she could get over you and move on and be happy. And she is." I shot him a disbelieving look. "Normally, she is. You know when her past doesn't collide with her present. When you don't come waltzing in with your Stick Up Her Ass wife like you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. We are happy. We have been for thirteen years now."

I shot my head up.

"She said fifteen." I stated.

"We were friends first. It took me a long time to get her to trust me. To get her to trust that I wasn't going to leave her. That I wouldn't tell her that she wasn't good enough for me. That I wouldn't be like you." He looked at me long and hard. "Why did you do that to her?"

"That is something I need to tell her, not you." I said quietly.

"Yeah, well good luck with that. She doesn't want to hear anything you have to say."

"Yeah, I kind of got that feeling." I sighed.

"You can't blame her. If you only knew…" He trailed off.

"If I only knew what?" I asked.

"Well, that is really something she needs to tell you, not me." He said turning my words around on me.

I rolled my eyes and laughed harshly.

"You really are a bastard." I said.

He laughed back just as harshly.

"Yeah, but I am the bastard that has Meredith." He taunted.

"How long have you been married?" I asked suddenly.

He avoided my eyes.

That look said it all.

"You two aren't married, are you?"

He stayed silent.

"Why aren't you married? She not good enough for you?" I taunted him.

He shoved me against the wall.

"You listen to me. I love her. I love her more than you ever did. I have been there through everything. I didn't abandon her. I didn't make her curl up in a ball and want to die. So, don't you dare put your own sins off on me. You stay away from her. You got me?" He hissed.

I smirked at him.

"I will, for now. But this isn't over Mark. She doesn't know the whole story yet, but she will." I said. "And when she does…"

"What? When she knows what do you think will happen? She will fall into your arms and you two ride off into the sunset? Will your wife tag along?"

I swallowed hard.

"Yeah, forgot about her, huh? I would've too. She doesn't hold a candle to Mer." He let me go and backed away to the door. "Just remember, you don't know the whole story either, but I do. And that, my friend, is what will keep your plans from coming to fruition."

He left me with one last hard look. He left the door open and I could see people scurrying about, working. Doing what they were paid to do. Something I was not currently doing.

If I didn't do my job, I would be back in New York before the ink dried on my shiny new contract. I squared my shoulders and plastered a charming smile on my face.

As I walked out of the small room, I knew one truth had been solidified.

I still loved Meredith Grey.


	31. She's Mine

_Book Three, Part Three: She's Mine_

_Meredith's Point of View_

"It's later." Lexie announced as she came into my kitchen and put a bag on the counter.

"What?" I asked.

She gave me a knowing look and began unloading her items. I swear that bag was never ending. When she was finished, I looked wide eyed at the ice cream, sundae syrups; chocolate, strawberry and pineapple, chocolate chips, colorful sprinkles and spray can of Cool Whip. She pulled a brown paper sack out of her purse and put it on the counter. She pulled out the bottle of tequila with a raised eyebrow.

"Ooh, Jose." I crooned, taking it from her.

The door opened and closed, and Mark entered, with Molly behind him.

"Molly." I hugged her. "What are you doing here?"

"Lexie said it was Def Com Three, so I left Laura with Mom." She said.

I looked at Lexie, bewildered. She in turn ignored my look and flashed an annoyed one at Mark.

"You can leave us now. Go do…manly things. We are having a girl's night." She demanded curtly.

He scowled at her and then looked at me in askance.

"It's fine. I am fine. I will talk to you later." I smiled softly at him and kissed him on his lips.

He hesitated but nodded and made his way out of the front door, after grabbing his coat and keys.

Molly looked around.

"Where's Mia?" She asked.

Lexie looked up from where she was assembling her ice cream sundae.

"She is at Cristina's. I dropped her off there on my way here."

"Didn't you think to ask me first?" I asked.

"No, you have some explaining to do. Now make your dessert and grab the shot glasses." She demanded.

"You know, this is my house." I informed her.

"You are my sister and I love you. Normally, you are the most put together human on the face of this earth but today you were a mess. And I want to know why. Besides this is what sisters do." She said.

"Butt into my business and kick my boyfriend and daughter out?" I asked.

"Yes." Molly piped in, getting out the spoons.

"Okay…"

We all made our way into the living room and got comfortable. I was going to divulge only what was necessary.

Or so that was the plan…

"How do you know Dr. Shepherd?" Lexie asked.

"Wow, you just get right to the point, don't you?" I asked.

"Okay, I am lost. What the hell happened today?" Molly asked. "Not a doctor, remember. I don't work with you two."

'It was nothing." I said.

Lexie snorted and turned to Molly.

"This apparently hot shot doctor started today, and Bailey is all over the moon about it, right? So, she is doing this grand introduction and Mer walks in, takes one look at the dude and his wife and passes the fuck out. Right there with everyone watching. Mark carried her to an exam room with Cristina and I right behind him. And who is hot on my heels? The doctor and his wife. We all crammed into this tiny exam room. Mark was panicked, Bailey and I were confused, Cristina was throwing glares at this guy, who was planted right beside the door. Then Mer cleared the room out and he stayed in there for a good little while. So, now that you are caught up to 'As Mer's World Turns', maybe Mer can fill in the blanks."

They both turned to me expectantly.

Shit.

"Um…well." I paused and downed a shot, wincing at the fire shooting down my throat. "I knew him, Derek, a long time ago. We were…close and he left. It hurt and I haven't seen him in fifteen years." I shrugged. "It just surprised me to see him, that's all." I forced a laugh.

Lexie gazed sidelong at Molly who returned the same disbelieving look.

"So he was just a friend?" Molly asked smiling.

"Yes." I said, sighing audibly in relief.

"Okay then." Lexie nodded. "If he was just a friend, then mind telling me why Mia has his eyes?"

Molly gasped and I slumped against the couch, defeated.

"You caught that, huh?" I asked tiredly.

"Yeah, I did. I am very observant like that. So, tell us what really happened."

"Lexie, maybe we should let this be. It obviously is not a happy story and it sounds like she has had quite a day." Molly gently suggested.

I shook my head.

"No, it's okay. I met Derek when I was in high school and he was this geek. I became friends with his sister, and I started spending time with them and we just clicked. I loved him. He was my first…everything. He was everything." I mused, swiping away at my tears that had fallen. I cleared my throat. "One day after my eighteenth birthday he came to my house, took me on a walk and proceeded to tell me that he was leaving and that he was tired of pretending he loved me and that I was no good for him."

They both gasped. Lexie looked downright murderous.

"So he just left you there, pregnant?" Molly asked.

"In his defense, he didn't know about Mia. I didn't know about Mia until three months later. I had no way to find him. It is amazing to me that a family of six can disappear off the face of the earth, but apparently they can." I smiled gently at them. "But I had Mark. He was Derek's best friend and he never left my side. It took him a long time of just being my friend before I would give him anything more, but he has been my lifeline. He has been a great father to Mia and a great guy to me." I said.

"Do you love him?" Lexie asked, concentrating on her hands.

"Mark? Yes, I do." I told her.

"The same as you did Derek?" Molly asked.

I sighed.

"No. But just as strong in a different way." I said.

"Are you going to tell Mia?" Lexie asked.

"No!" I said, frantic. They looked at me wide eyed.

"Mer, you have to tell him sometime. If he sees her, he will figure it out eventually."

"I will just keep them apart." I said.

"Isn't Mia working at the hospital this summer?" Molly asked.

"Shit! Still I will keep her out of the surgical wing. It is a big hospital." I said.

"Don't you think he has a right to know?" Lexie asked.

"He left me. He has no rights pertaining to anything in my life that happened after he left. And that includes my daughter." I said fiercely.

"What about Mia? Doesn't she have the right to know her father? She has this whole other family out there." Molly asked cautiously.

I shook my head at her.

"She will resent you if she finds out that her father was here, and you knew it and didn't tell her." Lexie said.

"Please don't argue with me about this. Please." I pleaded. "He took my life away from me when I was eighteen and I will be damned if I let him take my daughter."

"Okay, but one last thing and we will eat and drink and talk about…Twilight or some shit…No matter what happened between you two, it is not about you two. It is about Aves. Remember that before you make any hard and fast decisions, okay?" Lexie said.

I nodded and was grateful when Molly started talking about Laura and some cute thing she had done today.

It didn't matter what I had told Lexie. I had made up my mind.

Mia was mine.

Derek Shepherd and his Stepford Wife weren't getting their hands on her.

* * *

"Mom! Why can't I work in surgery? Why am I being put with the babies?" She whined.

"I thought you loved the nursery?" I asked, checking to see if it was safe to switch lanes. I was a bundle of nerves, but Mark had agreed with me in that Mia was a secret better kept from Derek at this moment.

She, however, wasn't happy I was switching her job duties. Bailey had been confused but had acquiesced to my request to keep her off the surgical wing.

"I love babies, as long as they are coming out of an open body cavity and I can see the ovaries and crap." She told me.

She was definitely my daughter, I thought wryly.

"Well I am sorry, but you will have just as much fun with the babies that come out the more traditional way." I informed her.

"Hmmpf." She grumbled and crossed her arms.

"How is Jake?" I asked, knowing it would have her chattering up a storm, just like her…

Father.

Ugh.

I felt guilt flood through my body, but I pushed it back. He had left us, not the other way around.

'Yes but he didn't know it was 'us', he thought it was only you', my subconscious said.

Great now I was hearing voices. Must have hit my head harder than I thought.

'He deserves to know', it taunted me.

"Shut up." I muttered.

"What?" Mia paused in the middle of whatever Jake story she was into.

"Oh not you baby." I assured her.

"Um…then who?" She asked.

"I was talking to myself?"

"You were telling yourself to shut up? Nice one Mom. As I was saying."

And off she went.

Now why would I want to share that with him?

'Because everything you love about her most is part of who he was.'

Oh shut the fuck up.

"Mom?"

Crap I had said that out loud, again.

"Are you okay?" She asked concerned.

"Yes baby, I just hit my head yesterday and I have a headache." I smiled reassuringly at her.

"How could you hurt that hard thing?" She joked.

Yes why would I want to share that with them?

I sighed and prayed for a miracle.


	32. Recognition

_Book Three, Part Four: Recognition_

_Mia's Point of View_

I sighed heavily as I focused on my task. It was very easy especially with someone of my intelligence. I had been in the well-baby wing for a week now and while I loved helping to look after the babies, I missed the chaos that was surgery.

I mean, come on, it was in my blood.

My mother was an excellent surgeon. My grandmother was _THE Ellis Grey_. I was practically medical royalty for crying out loud.

I wore my tiara proud.

My boyfriend, Jake, says I am brilliant. I am inclined to agree if not just to see those cute dimples on his gorgeous face. My Uncle Mark hated Jake. Mom says I am overreacting, that Uncle Mark is just looking after me like he has since I was a baby and that hate is such a strong word. Okay, Mom, Uncle Mark dislikes Jake and it borders on hate.

Jake doesn't let it bother him. Says he will feel that way when we have a daughter. Sigh. Jake would look so good holding one of these babies.

"Hello?"

I look up and gawk at a very tall, very beautiful redhead in a lab coat.

"Hi." I said.

She smiled kindly at me and walks in the room.

"I was told I needed to consult on Baby Girl Martinez." She said.

"Of course. They didn't tell me you were coming but then again the chick said she would only be gone ten minutes and that was forty-five minutes ago." I said and handed her the chart.

She laughed.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty." I lied.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Fifteen."

"And didn't your mother tell you it wasn't nice to lie?" She asked teasingly.

"You obviously haven't met my mother." I quipped.

"Good point. Would you like to assist me since the chick isn't here?" She asked.

I smirked knowing she had never said the word 'chick' ever.

She blinked a little as she glanced at the expression on my face.

Okay…

"I would love to help you." I said.

"Okay…" She hesitated.

"Mia." I supplied.

"Okay Mia, help me unwrap her and we will check out this hernia." She instructed.

I did as she asked. Every so often as I was helping her, she would look at me and then shake her head. I had no idea what that was about.

"Are you a surgeon?" I asked.

"Yes. Neonatal, Obstetrics and Genetics." She told me.

"Wow. I am going to be a surgeon when I get older." I told her.

"Are you really? What specialty?"

"Neuro. I love brains." I said.

"So does my husband." She said.

"Really? Awesome. My mom does too. My grandmother went for the general surgery route, but it paid off big time for her." I laughed.

"Sounds like you have a long line of doctors in your family." She said.

"I do. My uncle is a doctor and one of my aunts…well she is a step aunt but whatever and my uncle uncle is a surgeon."

"Your uncle uncle?" She asked.

"Well it is confusing, but I have a really big support system. You know, the whole it takes a village to raise a child thing. So, my uncle uncle is my mom's half-brother and my uncle is someone who helped raise me. Then of course you have my mom's friends who are all doctors, so you can pretty much say I was raised here from the age of six and have a God complex." I finished.

"Well, then I see why you would want to become a doctor. It's in your blood and all surgeons have that God complex."

"Exactly what I say. Do you have kids?" I asked, being nosy. It's my job as a teenager.

"No, I don't. It was never the right time for me and my husband. But one day maybe." She said.

"You better get going. You are pushing forty." I said bluntly.

She blinked and then laughed loudly.

"You are too funny. My husband would get a kick out of you." She finished her examination.

"Does she need surgery?" I asked.

"Not yet. It is benign and not restricting her airway. We can probably watch it until she gets a little bigger. Thanks for your help Mia." She walked to the door. "It was very enlightening meeting you. I bet you have everyone on your toes."

"You have no idea." I grinned at her. With a wink and a wave, she was gone, and chick came back seconds later and I left her to it.

I walked, okay I snuck, into the surgical wing. Bailey was scary but not as scary as Mom. However, I didn't want to get caught by either. I went straight to the surgical board.

Where was it, where was it…

Ah! There it was.

Meredith Grey - Craniotomy - OR 2

She would be focused on the brain, not on the gallery.

I snuck my way to the appropriate door and settled in to watch.

Thirty minutes later, I was firmly entranced by the sight in front of me. Mom had experienced complications, or rather the patient had, and Mom was scurrying to fix them. She was calm, cool and collected and I was so proud watching her familiar movements.

"Wow." I whispered.

"She is good at her job." A voice behind me agreed.

I jumped a little and then whirled around to face the unfamiliar voice.

I froze.

Because there in front of me was the one man I thought I would never get to meet. He was older, taller than the pictures in the box that Mom had hidden in her closet. The box she didn't know I had went through looking for answers not long after she had talked to me on my birthday.

But it was him.

My father.

He looked at me concerned and I quickly schooled my expression into one not of shock but of something less…shockly.

Yes I am aware that is not an actual word. What can I say, I am my mother's child.

"She's amazing." I said, sitting down two seats from him and pushing my hair over my shoulder to hide from him.

"How old are you?" He asked.

"Fifteen." I said honestly.

"Are you a Doogie Howser prodigy?" He asked.

"Who?" I asked.

"Never mind, before your time." He chuckled.

"Guess so." I said awkwardly.

"Are you a genius?" He asked.

"Well if you would ask my mom, she would say yes, but she would also say I am a smartass so…" I trailed off and winced thinking I had just said a curse word two minutes into meeting my other biological half.

He just laughed.

"So if you are not a genius with a doctorate, then why are you up here in an OR gallery? A restricted OR gallery?" He asked me, turning his body until he faced me fully.

I drank in the sight of him. From his unruly hair to his…my…blue eyes, his dimples, his crooked nose…thank God I had gotten Mom's…his chin.

Then I realized he was waiting for me to answer.

"I have practically grown up in this hospital. So, they are used to me being up here. My mom is a surgeon and the rest of my family are as well. How about you?" I asked.

"I am a neurosurgeon." He informed me.

My heart stopped.

Okay it didn't, or my father would be doing CPR on me, but it definitely stuttered. I take after him as well. I don't know why it didn't cross my mind minutes ago that since he was here and in scrubs…insert eye roll at me missing that…he would be a doctor.

I get it from both of them.

"My wife is as well. She specializes in Obstetrics, Gynecology, Genetics, Neonatal…she does a lot come to think of it." He laughed, it coming out kind of harsh.

His wife?

He was married.

I had a step mom and it was apparently the red haired Amazon beauty that I had just met.

She was nice, I couldn't deny that, even if it made me feel like I was betraying my mom.

I looked down at her where she worked so flawlessly. I saw the eyes over the mask, piercing green, the long slim hands encased in gloves. I knew her hair was dark blonde under that lavender scrub cap. I knew every frown line, every laugh line. She was my whole world.

I looked back at my father and tried to see me in him. And I did. I had his eyes. I had always known that. I also knew I had some of his facial expressions, as I would see my mom wince sometimes looking at me and I knew this man had hurt her so badly. I knew my alliance should be to my mom.

But looking at him, I couldn't help but want, need, to know him.

I was torn. I had a decision to make that fifteen year olds shouldn't have to.

My mom, who had rocked me to sleep, who had been my rock, who had kissed my scrapes, who had danced with me, who had read me bedtime stories, who had loved me and had always put me first.

Or my dad, who I had never met before today. A man who didn't know I existed and probably wouldn't unless my mom or I let it slip.

Oh how I wanted to let it slip.

But I couldn't. I couldn't do that to my mom, or to Mark. Not today anyway.

I stood up as I saw my Mom closing up.

"You done here?" He asked.

"Yeah, for now."

"It was nice to meet you." He said.

"You too."

I began to walk out of the room.

"Hey, I don't know your name." He called after me.

"Mia. Just Mia." I said.

"Okay Just Mia. I look forward to seeing you again."

My smile slipped for a moment and it took all I had not to cry.

"You too…"

"Derek. Derek Shepherd." He said.

"Nice to meet you Derek." I said.

"You as well." He nodded.

"Well…uh…bye." I said and then bolted down the stairs.

Derek Shepherd.

I was a Shepherd.

I headed to the tunnels and once there, I pulled out my phone.

"Jake? I need you. Can you please come get me?"


	33. When You Left

_Book Three, Part Five: When You Left…_

_Meredith's Point of View_

I looked over at Mia as we ate dinner. Something was off with her. Her eyes looked bloodshot as if she had been crying and she had been quiet since Jake had dropped her off. Normally, my child was the happiest person on the planet. Maybe the hormones were kicking in a little late.

"So, how was your day Mer?" Mark asked, trying to stifle the awkward silence, bless him.

"It was good. I had complications with a craniotomy, but I worked it out." I stated.

"Of course you did."

"What about you? Any celebrities needing Double D's?" I teased.

"Ha, ha. No, I met with a child that I am going to build ears for."

"What? You are going to build ears for a kid? That is wonderful. Does insurance pay for a procedure like that?" I asked.

"No. I am doing it pro bono." He said.

"I think that is kind of great of you." I commended him.

"It's nothing." He waved away my praise.

"Is anyone going to ask me about my day?" Mia asked.

She speaks…

"Of course, how was your day sweetie?" I asked, my tone purposefully excited.

"Well, I was in the well-baby nursery again, because my mother exiled me there for some unknown reason. This new doc came in to do a consult on a baby's hernia and she was really nice. Really tall, red hair. Do you know her? Anyway, then the lazy ass chick who I help came back, so I bolted and snuck in to watch your craniotomy and who did I meet there?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Dr. Derek Shepherd. We had this totally awesome conversation. Well it was awesome for him, awkward for me, because I was the only one of us who knew he was my father, so yeah, that was my day. Mine tops both of yours, I think." Her accusing eyes locked on my shocked ones.

"I…"

"Say something Mom." She pleaded.

"How did you even know? I never told you his name." I asked.

"After my birthday, I wanted to know more so I looked through your closet and there was this box there with my baby pictures. He was in one of them. He looks different now, but it was obvious who he was. So, when I saw him, I just…why didn't you tell me he was here?" She asked, tears filling her beautiful blue eyes.

"He just arrived a couple of days ago and I thought…I thought I would have more time. I wasn't intentionally keeping it from you." She looked at me doubtfully. "Okay I was. I wasn't going to tell you anytime soon." I admitted.

"What about him? Were you planning to tell him?" She asked.

"No, I wasn't. Call me selfish, but he abandoned me. He left me and Mark had to step in to help me raise you. I just don't believe he deserves to know you." I said.

"Don't I deserve to know him?" She asked quietly.

"Have you lacked anything in your life? I mean, didn't we do a good job?" I asked, desperate to know.

"Of course Mom. The fact that I didn't blurt out who I was to him was a reflection on that fact. My loyalty is to you and to Uncle Mark, but he is my father. I want the chance to know him. I need to get to know him. Please Mom." She pleaded.

I looked to Mark. His jaw was clenched. He met my eyes, shook his head and then got up from the table and left the room. Mia watched him go with worried eyes.

"Is he mad at me?" She asked.

I got up and enveloped her in my arms.

"No Baby, he is just mad at the situation. He loves you so much."

"I love him too. Just think about it. I think that it would be better coming from you." She said, before kissing my cheek and getting up herself and leaving me alone in my thoughts.

My very scary thoughts.

When did we become grown-ups? And how do we make it stop?

* * *

"Do you want me to be with you?" Mark asked anxiously.

"No." I smiled, taking his hand in mine. "I think this is something we should do alone. Is that okay?" I asked, searching his face for his reaction.

He sighed.

"No, it's not, but I get where you are coming from." He said.

"You do?" I asked.

"She is your daughter and as much as I wish she was mine; she isn't. She's his and if it were me, I would want to know." He said.

"That is very big of you. You don't have to feel that way." I said.

"I just…I don't want you to be sucked back in. I can't lose you too." He said.

"For one thing, he is married. Another thing is, I am with you. And you are not losing Mia. She loves you. She just wants to love her dad too. Okay?"

He nodded.

"I get what you are saying, but my heart isn't comprehending that fact. I have been there from the beginning. I held your hair back when she made you vomit, I felt her kick, I watched her entrance into this world, I did three am feedings, changed shitty diapers, I helped her walk, taught her to ride a bike. I have been there for every recital, play, every important event in her life, I have been there and now it seems that it is all being taken away from me and I don't feel I deserve it. And why? Because her sperm donor rode into town with his Prada clad wife? I hate this." He said.

I wrapped my arms around him and held on for dear life.

"It is not like that. You will see. She has more than enough room in her heart to love all of us equally." I promised.

I hoped like hell that was true, because everything he had just said, I was feeling as well.

* * *

I approached him nervously.

"Hi."

He turned around, his eyes reflecting his shock that I had sought him out.

Yeah, I am surprised there too, Pal.

"Hi." He smiled, delighted.

"Can we…I mean…we need to talk." I stuttered.

"Sure. Lead the way."

I nodded and led him to a private conference room. Once in, I closed all blinds and locked the door.

"So you want to do that kind of 'talking'." He teased.

I shot him a dirty look.

"That is very inappropriate coming from a married man." I chastised.

"I was joking." He said, rolling his eyes.

"Were you?" I challenged.

"So what is this about? Obviously, not a patient and since we have established quite effectively that there will be no adulterous sex, what can I do for you?" He said, effectively ignoring my question and changing the subject.

"You might want to sit down." I suggested.

"No, I think I will stand." He said.

"Okay then, I will sit." I said, doing just that. My legs were shaking and I needed to sit.

I stayed silent as I tried to find a way to say the words.

"Meredith?"

"Just give me a fucking second! This is hard for me." I hissed.

He finally sat down, in the chair next to me and waited patiently.

"Do you remember that day at your house? It was about three days before you…" I trailed off and cleared my throat.

"Yeah, that was the last time we were happy." He said, sighing. "Before I left. Look I need to tell you why…"

"No! I don't really want to hear it." I said.

"But I really need…"

"I am not ready to hear it Derek." I said firmly.

He nodded. I blew out a sigh of relief.

"You were saying…" He prompted.

"This is really hard for me, so bear with me, okay? This is going to change everything, and I don't know how you or your wife is going to feel about it, and to tell you the truth, I don't really care how it affects either of you. Because it changed my life years ago and while it has been the best thing to ever happen to me, you might not feel that way. And if you don't feel that way, let me know, because I won't do that to her, do you hear me? I will not allow you to hurt her." I rambled.

"Hurt her who?" He asked, confused.

I looked down at my hands and then into his eyes, her eyes. And that reminded me of why I was doing this. For her. For my daughter. For his daughter.

"When you left me all those years ago, there was something you didn't know. I didn't even know until months later. But it is something big and I wanted to keep it from you, I did, but I can't. I have to be the grown up here and tell you."

"Tell me what? For Christ's sake Meredith, spit it out." He demanded, frustrated.

"When you left, you left me with a big part of you. Bigger than even you could imagine. Derek, when you left me, I was pregnant with your child.

* * *

**What do you think will happen next?**


	34. You

_Book Three, Part Six: You_

_Derek's Point of View_

_"__When you left, you left me with a big part of you. Bigger than even you could imagine. Derek, when you left me, I was pregnant with your child."_

_No!_

I shook my head frantically at the words, trying to make sense of them. Everything I thought I knew changed when those words spewed forth from her mouth. She had been pregnant? I had left her while she was pregnant. That made what I had done a million times worse. There had been no way she could have moved on while carrying my child. She had to have been so scared. But there was a bigger issue at hand.

I was a father…

Or was I?

I allowed my gaze to finally meet hers. Her eyes challenged me, glittering defiantly. Her mouth was set in a hard line. No, I wouldn't find any sympathy from her.

"Did you…" I trailed off, not wanting to ask the question, not wanting to know.

"Did I what?" She asked. She wasn't going to make this easy for me.

"Did you abort it?" I pushed out.

Now her eyes were glittering with dark anger.

"You really are a bastard, aren't you?" She spat.

"Hey I deserve to know." I shot back.

"You don't deserve shit." She said, getting up and making to leave. My hand shot out and grabbed her arm as gently as I could under the circumstances. She wasn't the only one getting angry.

"I have the right to know." I said slowly and deliberately.

She turned to face me fully.

"No you don't. But this isn't about me. It is about her." She said.

"Her?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes her."

"I have a daughter?" I breathed.

Her face hardened.

"No, correction. I have a daughter. Or rather, Mark and I have a daughter. All you were was a sperm donor." She said harshly.

I let go of her and reeled back as if she had physically struck me.

"Then why even tell me?" I shouted.

She looked around frantically.

"Keep your voice down." She demanded. "I don't want everyone in this hospital to know my business."

"Our business." I corrected fiercely.

"Excuse me?" She raised an eyebrow.

"You heard me. Our business. You have my daughter. Mine. Not Mark's. She is mine."

"How do you figure that? Where were you when she was born? Or when she was up at 3am? Or when she first walked, first talked, the first day of school…Huh? Where were you?" She asked.

I realized this wasn't entirely about our child anymore.

"I was in Connecticut and then New York." I answered.

"That was a rhetorical question." She said, her arms crossed over her chest in a defensive manner.

"I want to meet her." I said.

"No." She said.

I narrowed my eyes at her.

"That wasn't a request." I said. "I will see my daughter and soon. Either we can do this the easy way where we act like the adults we are or we can do the hard way, where there will be DNA tests and a judge. Now I don't want to do that but I will. The choice is yours." I said simply.

Her eyes were now panicking and were filled with tears. I steeled myself against them. I didn't want her upset, but this was something much bigger than my feelings for her. I had a daughter and right now that was more important.

"Do what you want. You left. What judge is going to look kindly on that?" She said with false bravado.

"I didn't feel I had a choice, but you did, didn't you?" I said calculatingly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She hissed.

"Don't play with me. I am talking about that night in Boston."

Her eyes widened in awareness before her expression turned to stone.

I cursed.

"Yeah, I knew you knew I was there. That is the night I found out about you and Mark. You could have easily turned around and spoken to me. Things could have been so different."

"No, it wouldn't have changed a thing. I wouldn't have told you about her then either. I still would have left with Mark. And why the hell should I have turned around. You left me, remember?"

"How could I forget? I have thought of nothing else since I walked away from you that day! I think of you every single second, of every single minute, of every single day. You are always there, everywhere. You are ingrained in my mind, my heart, my soul." I spat.

"Then please, just leave us alone. Leave her be. For me, please." She pleaded.

"I'm sorry, I can't do that. Not even for you. Where is she?" I asked.

"No! No, I won't let you take her away from me." She said.

"I am not going to take her away. I am going to get to know her." I explained as gently as I could. I was trying to keep my temper in check but she was making it impossible.

"You will have to go through me and Mark first." She threatened.

Okay, that was it.

I got within millimeters of her face.

"If you think for one second I can't go through you, you are sadly mistaken. As for Mark, old friend or not, he is not her father. I am. And I will take my God given right to be a father to our daughter. As I told you before, I will drag your ass through court and seeing as Addie and I are married, I think we make a good case, don't you think?" I taunted.

I felt the stinging as her hand slapped my face. I grabbed her wrist.

"I will give you that one because I deserve it, but you won't get another one. I will give you until the end of the day to give me a meeting place one day very soon so that I can meet her. After that, I will do whatever I have to, undersood?"

She just glared at me and wrenched her arm away, before walking to the door and struggling with the lock before rushing out.

I dropped into the first chair I saw and buried my face in my hands. This couldn't be happening.

I don't know how long I sat there.

"She means well," a soft voice said.

I looked up and looked confused at the young girl I had met yesterday. Just Mia.

I smiled a little at her.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, not catching what she said.

"I just saw her, and she is very upset. She tried to hide it from me, but I always know." She smiled as if remembering something.

I know this was supposed to make sense to me but it really wasn't clicking.

"She has been my rock my whole life and I had a good life but I always felt something was missing, you know?" She looked at me eagerly.

Awareness started to grapple with my brain and I just stared at her as it all came together.

"She did a great job and she is having trouble with this because she doesn't want to lose me. I need to make it clear that I will not be the object of a tug of war with you two and that I have loyalty to Mark. He helped raise me, but I would love to get to know you, if you want?" She finished and sat back looking at me expectantly.

"You." I breathed.

"Me." She nodded.

"You're Mia. My daughter." I said.

She giggled.

"Um…yeah. Kind of slow on the uptake, aren't you? I mean I thought I was making it kind of clear…Are you sure you have a medical degree?" She teased.

"Yeah, your old man is very smart, I have you know."

"You are not that old." She said.

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Shouldn't you know that?" She asked.

"Yeah, but my mind isn't clear enough to add right now." I admitted.

"I am fifteen." She said.

"You're almost grown." I whispered.

"Yeah. My boyfriend says I am an old soul." She said.

"Boyfriend?" I growled.

"Oh God, not you too." She groaned.

"Okay I will table that discussion for now, but we will be revisiting it." I warned her.

She shrugged.

"Do you think…I mean, do you want to go grab lunch?" I asked.

"Don't you have to work?" She asked, but her expression was hopeful.

"It can wait. Everything can wait for you." I told her honestly.

I saw a tear form in her eyes, but she blinked them back quickly, a move that was very much Meredith. I searched her face, taking her beauty in. She had my eyes, I realized. My unruly hair though it was the color of honey. She had her mom's smile and stubborn chin. My dimples. She was breathtaking.

And most importantly, she was mine.

A tear slipped down my face and right then, in that very moment, my world was complete.

* * *

**So, Derek knows that Mia is his daughter, what do you think will happen next?**


	35. Lunch with Derek

_Book Three, Part Seven: Lunch with Derek_

_Mia's Point of View_

"So…" He trailed off. I knew he was nervous. We were sitting in the cafeteria on the ground floor. They had better French fries. They tried to serve healthy crap in the cafeteria on the surgical floor. Guess so the people didn't reclog their arteries after having their tickers worked on. They apparently didn't care down here.

I dipped the aforementioned French fry in my ketchup and took a bite.

"Look this doesn't have to be any more awkward than it has to be. I mean, I know it must kind of suck to have this dropped on you but…" I took a deep breath. "Mom didn't want to tell you. She is scared, I think. I don't know why. I don't love you more than her. Heck, I don't even know you."

"I want to know you." He said.

"Good." I smiled in relief.

"What do you want to talk about?" He asked eagerly.

"Why did you leave my mom?" I asked.

His eyes bugged out for a moment and I couldn't help but think he resembled a frog. I almost expected a 'ribbet' to come from him. I smothered a giggle at my inane thoughts.

"Boy, you don't start off easy, do you?" He asked, clearing biding time.

"When it is about why I have never met you up until yesterday and why you didn't know I existed, then no, I won't start off easy." I said honestly.

"Are you sure you are only fifteen?" He asked in amazement.

"Yeah. Unfortunately." I said.

"No, don't try to grow up too fast. Especially now." His eyes saddened. "I have missed so much."

"Why?" I asked insistently. "Weren't you happy with Mom?"

"Very. I love your mother very much." He sighed.

"Then why did you leave her? And don't think I didn't notice the present tense Mister. I will come back to that in a minute." I warned him.

"You are so like your mom." He smiled.

"Quit deflecting." I said.

"I had a choice to make. It was very difficult, but it would have ultimately put your mom in danger, and I would rather have let her go on without me than see her hurt because of me."

"Don't you see? She was hurt. You broke her. She tries to hide that from me, but I know her too well. I saw pictures of you two. She has them in her closet. She has this…light in her eyes in them but I have never seen it for myself. I think that maybe you were her light and when you left you took it with you. I don't know." I mused.

"I never intended to do that to her. I really thought I had made the best choice for her."

"See that is where you went wrong." I rolled my eyes. "You don't make choices for other people. Do you know what I would do if Jake did that to me?"

He glared at the mention of my boyfriend.

"And I am not going to tell you right now." I said quickly. "Where was I? Oh! Yeah. You should have gone to her, told her the situation which I still don't know, and you obviously aren't going to tell me, and let her decide for herself." I concluded with a satisfied nod. Now if only calculus could be so easy.

"She would have chosen me. And I don't know what would have happened then." He told me.

I gave him a 'duh' look. Grown-ups were so stupid.

"You would have been with her, you would have helped her through her pregnancy, you would have seen me coming out of my mom's vajayjay instead of fourteen years later when I have already started menstruating and have a boyfriend that obviously has you worked up. You would not be with the Glamazon you are currently hitched too though she seems nice as far as stepmothers go…no hairy warts, that's a plus. My point is and I do have one, is that things would have been so different if you would have given her some input." I said.

Okay, dude looked shellshocked. Wonder if it was because he realized that A) I said vajayjay, I informed him I have my period every month cause really, what father doesn't want to know about THAT?, or C) He still has to tell Red about me.

My guess is D, all of the above.

I cringed. Sometimes I am too much like Mom.

I waved my hand in front of his face.

"Um…Derek?" I said.

He snapped out of it then.

"Sorry. This is just so much to take in at once. I never thought I would ever get to be a father and you are sitting here and you are so perfect, smartm beautiful and I just realized that your mom is right. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you." He said sadly.

"Try not to go all emo on me, okay?" I asked.

"Emo?"

"You know, emotional?" He stared at me blankly. I just shook my head. "It is teenage lingo. Look, I want to spend time with you. That is my choice and one no one but me gets to make for myself. So just stop the poor pitiful me thoughts, okay? So, tell me about my family." I demanded.

"What do you want to know?" He asked.

"Everything." I breathed. I loved the family I had grown up with, but I knew from what Mom had told me that he had a large one.

"Well my mom, your grandmother, is Carolyn. I have four sisters; Kathleen, or Katie, Nancy, Amber and Mel, or Amelia. All are doctors except Mel, who is a cop."

"Why a cop?" I asked. It seemed odd in a family full of medical professionals.

"She and I watched your grandfather get shot. He died. It affected both of us, but whereas I became a doctor, she went to the legal side of things. We are each making a difference in different ways. She just gets to beat up on people while I get to fix them once she is done bashing their heads in." He laughed.

"And Grandma?" I asked.

"Nurse for twenty-seven years."

I nodded.

"Are you going to tell them about me?" I asked, biting my lip.

"Of course. Ma is going to be so thrilled."

"Do I have cousins?" I asked.

"Yes. You have five and one more on the way. Katie has three and Nancy has two and a half. They are all five and under though." He said.

"That's okay. Laura is two." I shrugged.

"Laura?"

"Yeah my cousin from Mom's sister, Molly."

He looked confused.

"Her stepsister. Well, one of them. You might have met the other one already, Lexie Pratt?"

He nodded.

"Yeah she is a good doctor, very smart." He said.

"Yeah, Lex is great. So, when are you going to tell your wife?" I asked hesitantly.

"When I get home, I guess. Though I could just do it here. Worked for your mom." He said.

"Where else would she have told you? Did you think she would ask you out to dinner or over to her house? The house she shares with Uncle Mark? Yeah I can see that." I said sarcastically.

"I know. I'm sorry. It has just been a day."

"Bad?" I asked.

"No, amazing. You are amazing." He smiled softly. "How do you want this to go?"

"I want to spend time with you, alone, but we can spend time with your wife as well. She needs to get to know me too, I guess if I am going to be a part of your life. I hope she isn't too upset about it. Don't want to cause problems, ya know? But you have to let her know something. She will not be a replacement for Mom. My loyalty is to her. I always wanted to know you, but I never really felt anything was missing. I don't mean to sound rude but my whole life is wrapped up in her." I told him earnestly.

"She did an amazing job with you." He said.

"She is an amazing woman. Speaking of which, you love her? As in present tense?" I asked, my eyebrow raised.

He groaned.

"Can we not talk about that right now?" He pleaded.

"Okay, we can talk about Jake." I faked enthusiasm.

"Let's not talk about him, either." He growled.

"How about that rain?" I mocked.

"You are funny. Really…" He teased.

My phone rang, and I dove for it. I was a teenager after all.

"Hey Mom. What? No, I am fine. Where am I? Um…eating lunch. Um…I am with Derek." I held the phone away from my ear and smiled apologetically at my father. "Mom…Mom…Mom! Thank you. Sheesh. I am fine and I will be back in a few minutes. Deep breaths Mom. Everything is fine. What? He what?" I shot him a glare. "Mom I will talk to you later, okay. Give me a few minutes. Love you. Bye." I hung up and calmly put my phone down. "That was Mom."

"I gathered." He said.

"You threatened to take her to court to take me away from her?" I asked.

"I did but I was angry. I would never do that, I promise." He said.

I nodded.

"I meant what I said. I am not going to be in the middle, so all of you including your wife and Mark better grow up fast. I am old enough to make certain decisions and I don't want one of them to be between you and Mom, because I will choose her every time." I told him.

He nodded.

"Okay. I need to go reassure my mom. You need to go tell your wife and family. Give me your phone." I demanded.

"My phone?"

"Yes, that thing with buttons on it that you talk into?" I remarked.

He rolled his eyes and handed it over.

"God, how old is this thing?" I frowned at his Motorola Razor. "You seriously need to upgrade. I just met you and already you are embarrassing me."

"Just do what you are going to do." He rolled his eyes with a smile.

"I am trying. I don't know how to work it. Is that Sanskrit?" I teased, adding my info and then pushing send. My phone rang and I silenced it and added his info to mine. "Now we can stay in touch." I said proudly.

"Good. So, can I call you tonight?" He asked.

"Sure. Nine okay?" I asked.

"Isn't that kind of late?" He frowned.

"Yeah, for a six-year-old." I said pointedly.

"Ah, then nine is perfect." He said. He just stood there like he was scared. So, I made it easy for him and threw my arms around him.

"I am glad you are here." I whispered against his chest.

"I am too. You have no idea how glad." He whispered.

I think I had an idea if his words had any meaning to them.

He still loved my mom.

Now what did I do with that information?


	36. Confessions

_Book Three, Part Eight: Confessions_

_Derek's Point of View_

I pulled into my long drive and parked next to Addie's BMW. I turned off the car and just sat there listening to the rain pound the hood of my car. My life as I had known it in the past few years had changed drastically today.

I had a daughter. She was funny, bright, beautiful, and a part of me.

I had to go in there and tell my wife about her.

I saw the screen door open and Addie peer out into the downpour. I sighed and got out of the car, making a run for it. I wonder if I would ever get used to this rain.

She stepped back to let me in and handed me a towel, laughing when I shook the water out of my hair like a dog.

"Coffee?" She asked.

"Yes, please." I said.

She poured me a cup and then settled down on the 'couch', curling her legs under her. She looked like she was in her early twenties. Her hair was in a messy bun and she was wearing my black The Clash shirt and a pair of sleep shorts, bare feet, her toenails painted a soft pink.

I went into the sleeping area and changed quickly. Might as well be comfortable while we had this conversation. When I came back out, she was reading a medical journal with a throw over her legs.

"Can we talk?" I asked.

She took a deep breath and put her reading material aside and looked at me. She looked scared. I wasn't sure if she should be or not.

"Yeah." She said softly.

I sat down next to her. I didn't know where to start.

"Did you know? That she was here, I mean. Did you know?" She asked, her voice small.

"I suspected, but I didn't know for sure." I admitted.

She nodded, not looking at me but I could see a small tear trail down her cheek.

"Okay so where do we go from here?" She asked.

"There is something you need to know, Addie."

"You slept with her, didn't you? As punishment to me for what I did. It's okay, I forgive you." She said woodenly.

My eyes widened in shock but down deep I knew that if Mer had reacted differently to me coming here, I probably would have committed the sin I condemned Addie for.

"No. I didn't. It's something else, something big. Life changing." I told her.

"Just tell me." She whispered.

"I have a daughter." I blurted out.

She closed her eyes and exhaled, but she didn't look surprised.

"Addie?" I asked.

"Honey colored hair, blue eyes, dimples, young teenager?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"I knew she looked familiar." She mused to herself. She looked at me. "I met her yesterday. Sweet kid. Very sassy, very smart." She told me.

"She is." I smiled. "She is amazing. We had lunch today." I said excitedly.

"How did you find out?" She asked curiously.

"Meredith told me. Under orders from Mia, I am sure. I don't think she would have told me otherwise." I said bitterly.

"Mia, hmmm. I like it. But I can't say I blame Meredith." Addie said.

I looked at her sharply.

She held up her hands in defense.

"Don't get mad at me. I am innocent in all that. I met you after. It's just if a guy had left me the way you left her with no other explanation then he didn't love me anymore and that he was done living a lie, then popped back into it fifteen years later, then no, I wouldn't have been eager to blurt out that we had a daughter that he could get close to and then leave high and dry." She sighed. "She is thinking like a mother, a good one if Mia is any indication. You have no right to be angry or bitter with Meredith for being angry or bitter with you. She doesn't know why you left, does she?"

I shook my head 'no'.

"She hasn't given me the chance to tell her."

"Maybe that is for the best." She said.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"What happens if you tell her and then she forgives you? Will you try to win her back? What about her boyfriend? What about me? I am your wife."

"You seemed to have forgotten that last year." I hissed.

I ignored the hurt in her eyes.

"How long are you going to throw that back in my face? I apologized, profusely. We have done counseling, I moved across the country to be with you and when I get here, I am faced with your ex-girlfriend and now a daughter. I think I am paying my dues for my sins." She said.

"Do not talk about Mia that way." I demanded.

"I am not talking about her any way. I like her. I am just worried about what happens when you are thrown together with Meredith while you try to get to know her. I have the right to worry."

"You have nothing to worry about. I am married to you." I said.

"I want to be more than an obligation to you." She said quietly.

"What do you want from me? You wanted me to take you back, I took you back. You wanted to move with me, you moved with me. What else do you want?"

"I want you to love me." She said.

"I do, Addie." I told her. I did love her, just not the way I should.

"Okay." She blew out a breath. "So, when do I get to formally meet Mia?"

"Soon, I promise. I have to call her at nine." I said.

"Isn't that kind of late?" She asked.

"That's what I said, and she quickly informed me that she was not six. I tell you Addie, she is sassy. She is so full of life and I love being around her. It's like sunshine all the time."

"She sounds lovely. She will be beating the boys away." She said.

I growled.

Addie looked surprised and then started laughing.

"She has a boyfriend, doesn't she?" She giggled.

"His name is Jake." I spat.

"I am sure he is a perfect gentlemen." She assured me.

"He better be, or I will practice brain surgery on him just for the hell of it." I threatened.

She just shook her head at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You. Being all father like. It is very cute. Makes me wish we would have had kids." She smiled sadly.

"That was your choice." I reminded her.

"I didn't say it wasn't. Hindsight is 20/20."

Didn't I know it.

"Have you told your mom?" She asked.

"No. If you don't mind, I think I am going to call her now." I said.

"Go right on ahead. But don't go far. This is one conversation I don't want to miss." She grinned.

I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone.

"Do you think my phone shows my age?" I asked, reminded of what Mia had said.

"Why?" She asked.

"Mia said it was an antique." I frowned looking at the unassuming red phone.

"I have been telling you that for years." She said dryly.

I shrugged. It did what it was supposed to do. I dialed Ma's number and waited.

* * *

"Hello?"

I smiled.

"Hey, Ma."

"Derek! You were supposed to call me three days ago." I could practically see her frowning.

"Sorry, Ma. A lot has been going on." I ignored Addie's snort.

"What could be going on that is so important that you can't call your Ma?" She demanded to know.

"Mer is here." I said softly.

There was dead silence on the line. I looked at the phone, thinking I had lost the connection.

"Ma?" I asked.

"I'm here. How is she?" She finally asked.

"Angry as hell."

"Did you tell her?" She asked.

"No. She hasn't exactly given me the chance. Besides she had explanations of her own to tell." I said.

"Like what?"

"I have a daughter." I said for the second time in half an hour.

"You have a what?" She asked loudly.

I heard commotion in the background and someone saying, 'What did he do now?' I rolled my eyes at Mel's question. It was followed by, 'Do I need to get him out of jail?', then 'He's in jail?'. That was Amber. A chorus of 'What!' proceeded. Looks like Family Dinner Night at the Shepherd household.

"No, he's not in jail. He's a father." Ma still sounded confused.

"Addie's pregnant!" Nancy screeched.

"No!" Ma shouted. I heard her mutter, 'Thank God'.

"Then who?" Katie asked.

"Meredith." Amber stated quietly, almost too quiet and almost…knowing.

Then it was pandemonium. Dozens of questions were thrown at me. I started with the basic.

"Her name is Mia. She is fifteen. She is beautiful, healthy, and smart. She has my eyes." I told Ma, who relayed the message to everyone.

"Ma, I need to talk to Amber." I said.

I heard a jostling, then a resigned, 'Hi'. I looked at Addie who was amused by what she had heard to this point. I whispered that I was taking this outside. Once there, I sat down on my deck chair.

"Spill it." I said, trying to keep my temper.

"I didn't know for sure. Please know that. I didn't know she was yours. I thought she was Mark's. They eyes were familiar but you know Mark's look similar. I didn't want to upset you." She pleaded for my understanding.

"How do you know about her at all?" I asked.

"Remember that guy I was dating? The one that didn't work out?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"It was her brother." She admitted.

"So, what? You knew this whole time, you had seen her, talked to her and you didn't think it was important to mention it to me?"

"No! I never saw her. I didn't even know it was Mer's brother until I saw a picture of her at their Mom's house. I didn't even tell Jackson but then he found out and…well you know what happened." She finished, her tone sad.

I sighed.

"Please Derek, don't be mad. I was trying to protect you." She pleaded, sounding close to tears.

Poor Amber. She had been carrying this burden for so long and like me, she had made a decision that had lost her someone she loved.

"I'm not mad."

"You're not?" She asked, surprised.

"It wasn't like you had DNA results in front of you. I just, I lost so much time. She is almost grown." I said sadly. "I have half a mind to go to the prison and kill those mother fuckers that put me in this position."

"Yeah, we all feel that way every so often. So…what's she like?" She asked.

"She is amazing." I breathed. "Oh, Am, I can't wait for you to meet her. You will love her."

"I know I will. She's yours. Well, dinner is being served so I will let you go. I am happy that you are happy about this. I am happy she is yours and I am sorry." She said.

"It's okay. I love you."

"Love you too. Bye."

I hung up and stared out into the night sky for a long while. My life had been turned upside down today.

And I for one, couldn't be happier about it.


	37. Sadness

_Book Three, Part Nine: Sadness_

_Meredith's Point of View_

I shuffled my food around my plate as I listened with half an ear as Mia chattered on and on about Derek. Jake had joined us tonight for dinner and was listening with rapt attention as he was apt to do. He adored her. Mark was doing as I was. He was so lost in his thoughts he had forgotten to glare at Jake. That meant the situation was dire.

"Mom? Mom? Mom!"

"Yeah, what?' I said, startled out of my depressing thoughts.

"I said he was telling his wife and mom tonight. I might get to talk to my new grandma soon. And I have four more aunts and five more cousins. I have this whole other family. Isn't that exciting?" She gushed.

Mark scraped his chair back and left the room without a word. I watched him go with a heavy heart. He was hurting and I didn't have a clue how to stop it.

"Mom?" Mia said, her tone uncertain. "What's wrong with Uncle Mark?"

I leveled my gaze at her. She looked upset.

"He has raised you since you were a baby and he is having a hard time with this." I said simply.

She bowed her head.

"And I am not helping any, am I? I'm going to go talk to him." She got up and followed him.

I sighed and pushed my plate full of unappetizing food away from me.

"She doesn't mean anything by it, you know?" Jake said in a quiet voice.

I looked at him, having forgotten he was there.

"I know."

"She is just excited. She always wondered where she came from. It has been bothering her since that project she had. I never knew my mom. She died when I was really little. Cancer. My dad has never been the same so not much help there. I don't want Mia to feel that way." He said.

"You are a very wise young man. But if you go beyond first base, I am going to kill you."

His smile faded, and he stiffened and nodded at me seriously.

"Glad we had this talk. I am going to check on them. I will send Mia back in a minute."

I walked…okay, I tiptoed…to the family room and was surprised to find no one there. I peered up the stairs and listened…no sound. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the front porch swing sway. I walked over the window directly behind it.

Mia and Mark were sitting there, side by side. Her arm was around his middle and his was around her shoulders. She snuggled up to him and she was talking to him, sincerely if her expression was any indication. I saw Mark nod and her kiss his cheek and lean back to smile at him. She smiled back and hugged to him tightly. She said a few more things and then got up. I saw her walk back in towards the kitchen and I decided to take her place next to Mark.

He was sitting in the swing, lost in his thoughts. I could tell they were both dark and light judging from his expression.

"Hey." I said.

He looked up at me.

"Hey."

"Mind if I sit down?" I asked.

He shook his head and I went to sit by him. We swayed in silence for a few minutes.

"She says this doesn't change anything." He suddenly said.

I just stayed quiet.

"She says that she loves me and that him being here doesn't change anything."

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I think that she is overly optimistic."

I nodded.

"She is fifteen." I pointed out. "We were all optimistic at that age."

"I wasn't. I was just trying to stay out of my old man's way and cleaning up all the empty liquor bottles my mom left around." He said bluntly.

I snuggled closer to him.

"She is the best thing I have ever done, and I have just been reminded that I didn't do it at all. I had no part in making her. I am not her dad and all I have been doing is pretending and filling a role until Derek came back." He said.

I placed my hands on each side of his face and made him look at me.

"Don't you ever say that again." I growled. "You have been everything to her and to me. You picked me up off the ground, you helped me through my pregnancy, and you were there for all her fifteen years. Every dance recital, every girl scout meeting, every school play…you have been there. You taught her to ride a bike and you kissed her boo boos. You have been there for every important moment in her life. Derek is her father, but you…you are her dad."

He looked at me with teary eyes and gave me a sad smile.

"Meredith, we both know that he is going to replace me. It is inevitable. Yes, it bothers me, but I love her enough to want her to be happy. And getting to know her biological father will make her happy."

"Yeah, until he leaves again." I said.

"That is your cross to bear, not hers. Don't put that off on her. Do you know why he left?" He asked.

"Yeah, he didn't love me, and he was tired of pretending."

"You know as well as I do that it was more than that. Have you even asked him?"

"No, why would I? It doesn't matter what his reason was, he still left." I said forcefully.

He sighed.

"I don't want to fight about Derek. Not tonight, not ever again. He is in our lives whether we like it or not. All we can do is get along with him and Dr. Barbie, for Mia's sake." He told me.

God, I hated when he was right.

"I hate being a grown up." I grumbled.

He laughed and settled me into his side, kissing my forehead.

"I know. Believe me, I know." He said.

We stayed there for a long time, enjoying the quiet.

"Okay we better get in there. You know I hate leaving them alone for too long." He said.

I laughed.

"Don't worry. He has a really healthy fear of me. Or rather a healthy fear of his balls getting mangled."

"Good, the fear needs to stay there for another sixteen to twenty years." He said.

"I don't think we are going to get that lucky, but she is very smart. So, don't worry so much." I told him gently.

"Yeah, we did a good job raising her, didn't we?" He said proudly.

"The best."

He nodded.

"Well come on, let's go put some more fear into our daughter's boyfriend's head." He said gleefully.

Yeah, my Mark was back.

Thank God for that.


	38. Meeting My Granddaughter

**SURPRISE! You guys get a sneak peak of what things are like from Derek's Mom's POV. Does she tell Meredith the whole truth? Read and find out!**

* * *

_Book Three, Part Ten: Meeting My Granddaughter _

_Carolyn Shepherd's Point of View_

"This is your pilot speaking. It is 3:15pm Pacific Time in rainy Seattle, Washington. It looks like it will be a smooth landing. Please put your trays in their upright and locked positions and make sure your seatbelt is on correctly. We hope you enjoyed your flight on Pacific Airlines Flight 454. Have a good afternoon. Thank you."

I calmly followed the pilots instructions, wondering how someone who's voice still cracked was qualified to fly this aircraft. Maybe he was a late bloomer and not sixteen years old.

I hadn't planned on making the trip so soon, deciding to give Derek and his…spouse some time to get settled. But things had changed with the arrival, or rather, the announcement that my only son had a precocious fifteen-year-old daughter that I couldn't wait to meet.

So here I was, hoping a flight a mere day after finding out. I wasn't going to wait one second more than I had to. And I knew if I had let Derek know I was coming; he would have told me to wait. Then I would have been forced to tell him I would, and I didn't want to lie to my son. Like I did when I told him I still loved Addie. Hmmpf.

I barely felt the jolt of landing on the tarmac and I changed my opinion of the young pilot. He was good.

I slowly made my way out of the aircraft, to the luggage pickup, grabbed my two suitcases…yes, two…I planned on staying a little while. I then ignored the line for the taxis and stepped on to a shuttle after waiting only minutes. Seattle was very accommodating to its visitors.

"Which hotel?" The elderly driver pleasantly asked.

"Seattle Grace Hospital please."

* * *

After a pleasant sightseeing trip, I was standing in front of my son's work. Very nice. I entered and walked up to the receptionist's desk.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, what floor is surgery?" I asked.

"Third, ma'am." She informed me.

"Thank you Amy." I said, reading her name off of her nametag.

"Welcome, ma'am." She said before turning to the next inquiring person.

I got into the elevator where I was joined by three doctors in light blue scrubs and one doctor in dark blue.

I faced the doors so it didn't appear I was listening. But I was…all good information was found out by eavesdropping. Call me meddlesome if you will.

"How is Mer?" A handsome young man asked.

Sighs came from both of the women in light blue.

"She is frantic." One said.

"Ha, more like pissed off." The other said.

"What do you expect? Guy just shows up after fifteen years and then wants a relationship with the daughter he never knew he had. And he brought Dr. Barbie with him." The man said.

Dr. Barbie? I liked that. It fit.

"Those are your fellow colleagues you are gossiping about." The short, dark skinned woman said without looking at them. She, like I, was staring at the doors. She must be meddlesome too.

"What do you think of this Dr. Bailey?" The lighter skinned of the two women in light blue asked.

"I think that we should all mind our own business and focus instead on the business of this hospital. I also think you should let them work this out on their own. Meredith is a smart, strong woman. Let her be." She said.

"But he is working his way in. He could break her and Mark up." Again, it was the lighter skinned woman. I wish I knew names.

"Then they weren't strong enough to start with." She looked at all three of them and sighed. "Look I didn't know when I wooed them here that this would happen. I always just thought Mia was Mark's. Mer is a private person and she had no reason to disclose that to me. That being said, that man has every right to get to know his daughter. As does Mia to get to know her father. This is between Mark, Meredith, Derek, Addison and Mia. Now as your Chief I say this conversation is over." She said firmly.

"But I am her sister."

"I am her best friend."

"I am her…Alex."

Well that was one name.

"You are her half-sister, Lexie, and Cristina, I know you are her best friend…and you are her…whatever, Alex…as such you should know to stop talking about it and get to work. When she wants your opinions, I am sure she will let you know. Now I said this was over."

"But…" They all said.

"What part of over don't you understand? Do you want to be assigned to appendectomies all day?' She threatened.

"No." They all said frantically.

"Over!" She barked.

"Yes ma'am." They all said. The elevator doors opened and they all practically ran out. The Chief looked at me and smirked.

"Gotta keep these young kids in line." She said.

"That you do." I agreed.

"Miranda Bailey. And you are? Besides an eavesdropper?"

"Carolyn Shepherd."

Her mouth rounded in surprise.

"Ah, here to meet the new granddaughter." She surmised.

"Well, new to me." I said.

"Derek is in surgery but should be out…"

"I am not here to see Derek, just yet."

"Oh well, Addison…"

"I definitely am not here to see her. I am looking for Meredith." I interrupted.

Her mouth set in a firm line.

"Now, I don't know about that. You see, I am attached to her. I don't get attached to people but I am attached to her and to Mia so I don't want to upset them. And I am thinking that Meredith seeing you could upset her." She said.

"Look at me. Do I look like someone who wants to upset the mother of my granddaughter?" I asked.

She looked at me doubtfully.

"You just basically put down your own daughter in law." She pointed out.

"She is not the mother of my granddaughter." I said, as if that explained everything. "Please just point me in her direction."

She sighed. "She is in the Skills Lab. Take two rights and then a left. It is the second door on the right. Do not upset her." She warned.

"It was very nice to meet your Miranda."

Then I grabbed my suitcases and followed the directions given to me. It was easy to find…glad something would be easy. I had a feeling this conversation wouldn't be…for either of us.

I walked into the empty room, well empty except for one person. I put my things out of the way then walked forward a bit.

"If you try to mess me up Alex, I will kick your ass so hard, your testicles will rattle."

She looked up with a smile that slipped slowly off her face.

"You're not Alex." She said breathlessly, her cheeks a becoming shade of pink.

I chuckled.

"No, but I have met him…kind of." I said warmly.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"Yes, you can let me apologize." I said.

"I'm sorry?" She said, then I saw the recognition light her eyes and then they dulled into nothing. "Mrs. Shepherd."

"Please, call me Carolyn. We are both adults now and may I say, what a beautiful woman you have become."

She bit her lip and I could sense her hesitation.

"I am only here to talk. Well, and to meet my granddaughter."

Her eyes became cold.

"Don't misunderstand me Meredith, I am not here to cause trouble, but I think you suspected I would show up sooner or later."

She nodded and then put a hand out, indicating a chair for me to sit in.

I get settled and then faced her dead on. I have always been no nonsense that way.

"Has Derek told you why we left?" I asked.

She swallowed hard and set her expression to one of unconcern.

"No, it really doesn't matter." She said.

"I think it does. I think it matters very much. I think that you are scared to hear the answer in fear that you won't be able to hate him anymore."

She scoffed and stood up.

"We are done here." She said.

"Sit down." I said.

"No, I don't…"

"I said sit down, young lady!"

She sat down.

"Now, we are going to have this talk. Whether you like it or not." I saw her defeated expression and softened. "I don't mean to yell, I just…it was my fault. He left because of me." I told her.

She looked surprised.

"Yeah, not what you were expecting? I guilt tripped him into it. I know that he should be the one to tell you, but I also know you would probably never ask, let alone listen to what he had to say. You know how my husband died?" I asked.

Meredith nodded.

"It was hard on us all, especially Derek and Mel, having seen it happen."

Meredith's gasp interrupted me.

"He watched his father be killed?" She asked, her hand over her mouth.

"He didn't tell you that? Well, knowing my son as I do, I am not surprised. He always did want to protect you from the horrifying. It seems that was his downfall." I shook my head.

"What…" She took a deep breath. "Happened?"

"They found us, stalked us, hurt me, trashed my home. Derek was so torn between going with us to protect us or to stay with the woman who had his heart. I was terrified at the thought of leaving him defenseless. I wanted him with me and the girls. So…" I broke off and stared at my aging hands.

"You, what?" She asked.

"I showed him the pictures they had left to remind me how much they knew about us. There were several of you, some with Amber, some with Derek and some, alone. I told him that if he really wanted to protect you that he would leave you." I explained.

There was a long silence.

"So you took his natural inclination for protecting me and turned it around to benefit yourself?" She asked, her voice filled with anger.

I deserved that.

"Yes, I did. You can't for one second tell me you wouldn't do the same if it was Mia in danger."

The anger died out of her eyes immediately and she slumped forward, defeated again.

"No, I couldn't tell you that. I would do anything to protect her. Which is what I am doing now."

"You don't have to protect her from Derek. He already loves her. He will be good to her, for her. You have to believe that."

"I don't know what to believe, Carolyn. He should've just told me. I would have gone with you. I was eighteen. My father would have understood. But instead he told me he was tired of pretending he didn't love me. I mean, who does that? Do you know how long it took me to not believe that I was unworthy of love? How long it took me to really let Mark in? To this day he still works to be able to see all of me and that is Derek's fault. So, I thank you for telling me this, but it doesn't change a thing."

"Doesn't it though? I mean, just think, Meredith, think! You never once doubted how he felt before then. So how could you let a few words undo years of what you knew to be true?"

"Do not turn this around on me! I had nothing to do with this. All I did was fall in love with a geeky young boy who had age old eyes. And no matter what the reason was, he left me…alone and pregnant. He didn't trust me. He didn't trust my love for him. So, I think that we should just drop it. He has moved on and so have I." She said firmly, wiping her cheeks furiously to catch stray tears.

I sighed but nodded.

"I do want to see Mia, if that is okay." I said quietly.

She composed herself and nodded.

"Of course." She stood up and walked to the door, looking back at me. "You coming?" She asked.

"Now?" I asked, scurrying out of my chair.

"It is summer. She is working here. Her birthday present from Bailey. She loves this hospital, was practically raised here." She chuckled darkly.

I nodded and then reached for my bags.

"You can leave them here. No one will bother them."

I nodded again and then followed her silently. We had both said enough, probably too much if truth be told.

Meredith came to a door and then blew out a breath I could tell she had been holding for a long while. She forced a smile that didn't reach her eyes and pushed the door open. I again followed.

We walked into a room with babies. A beautiful young girl was sitting at a desk, writing something. She had my son's eyes, dimples and unruly hair. Everything else was Meredith, right down to her stubborn chin.

"Hey Mom." Mia said happily, her eyes twinkling. "To what do I owe the pleasure of you wandering over to the dark side?" She teased.

"Can't a mother just come to see her kid?" Meredith asked.

"No." Mia said, raising an eyebrow.

"Okay, okay…There is someone that wants to meet you." Meredith moved aside to let me be seen.

"Oh and who is this? My fairy godmother?" Mia joked.

"No, but would just a plain ole grandmother do?" I asked, forcing the words out because my throat was clogged with unshed tears. This was my firstborn grandchild.

I could hear her breath catch and she bolted out of her chair and knock the wind out of me seconds later. I wrapped my arms around her and held on tight.

"I have always wanted to meet you." She sobbed.

I realized that no matter who's fault it was, no matter what had happened, no matter who was hurt in this messed up situation…that right now, in this moment, everything was as it should be.

"I hopped a flight as soon as I could." I told her. I looked up at Meredith who had her fist pressed to her mouth to hold in her own sobs. She met my eyes. I mouthed a 'thank you' to her. She nodded in understanding.

I pulled back from Mia.

"I guess I need to let your old dad know I am here. Want to come with me?" I asked, looking at Meredith to make sure it was okay.

Her eyes told me it was.

"Sure! But I have to wait for my relief to get here." She said, disappointed.

"I'll stay here." Her mom offered.

"Really? You don't mind?" Mia asked.

"Of course not. Go with your Grandmother and see your Dad." She told her.

Mia let go of me long enough to hug Meredith and then slipped her half-grown hand into my old one and off we were.

I only hope my son was as happy to see me…


	39. Mini Family Gathering

_Book Three, Part Eleven: Mini Family Gathering _

_Derek's Point of View_

"Hey!"

I looked up from perusing my patient's chart to see Addison with a pleased smile on her face.

"Hey." I said, not as enthusiastic as she. I try but sometimes can't muster up the energy.

"I just finished a surgery. You wanna go get some lunch…with me?" She clarified.

I looked back down at the chart. It was a post op and my next surgery was in two hours. I sighed.

"If you are too busy, it's fine. I just thought it would be nice." She said, uncertain now.

I felt like a dick.

"It's nothing pressing." I closed the chart, clicked my pen closed and stuck it in my lab coat. "Let's go, Madame. Fine dining at Seattle Grace awaits us." I said, offering my arm, making her laugh as she latched on.

"So…" Addie began, as we dug into our salads. "I thought that maybe I could meet Mia. Well, officially this time. Why don't we see if she wants to spend the weekend with us?" She suggested.

I chewed my food thoughtfully. The idea did have merit, but the trailer was really small and the thought of Mia actually seeing me in bed with Addie made me uncomfortable.

"I don't know if the trailer is big enough for overnight stays." I finally said.

"All the more reason to get a house." She nodded, as if agreeing with me.

"We discussed this. We are building a house." I reminded her.

"No, you discussed it. I said I would think about it. I just think that now that you have a daughter, you would want to spend more time with her sooner rather than later. I mean, of course, you may be the kind of dad that is okay with a few hours here and there." She said.

My eyes narrowed at her blatant attempt to manipulate me. However, I did have to agree that she did make sense. If I wanted time with Mia, she would need her own space.

"We could look into leasing an apartment." I said.

Addie smiled victoriously.

"Just for a year. Just until the house gets built." I finished.

"Sure. That sounds like a plan. I will call the realtor today." She said.

I stabbed my fork into the lettuce, massacring it. I might have imagined it being Addie…

I then heard a familiar giggle and my head automatically turned to that sound.

I smiled when I saw Mia…

With my mother?

"Ma?" I said, incredulously, knowing she couldn't hear me.

"What?" Addie shrieked, turning to where I was looking.

She groaned when she confirmed my statement.

"Do you have a problem with that?" I asked.

"No, of course not. Why would I? Not like she doesn't hate me or anything." She said, with a bitter smile.

"Of course not. Why would she?" If she could be sarcastic, so could I.

"Dad!"

I turned again to Mia, who drug my mother happily behind her.

"Grandma came for a visit!" She said, excitedly,

"I see that." I said, speaking through gritted teeth while looking at my decidedly over eager mother. "Hey Ma."

"Hello Derek." She bent over and kissed my cheek, whispering in my ear, "You know I couldn't wait."

I nodded in understanding.

"Hello Carolyn." Addie said stiltedly.

"Addison." Ma said shortly. She looked at me again. "Mind if we join you?" Which was an unnecessary thing to ask as Mia had already planted herself in the seat next to me.

"Hi, I am Mia. You must be Addison. It's nice to officially meet you."

Addie smiled warmly.

"You as well. I have heard so much about you." She said.

Mia looked at me and rolled her eyes.

"I can just imagine. I love your shoes. I want some heels, but Mom says not until I am thirty, but then again she backed up Mark when he said that about dating and yet I do that." Mia laughed.

"Dating?" Ma asked.

"Yeah, Jake. He's great." Mia smiled.

"How old is this Jake?" Ma asked, tactfully.

"Seventeen." Addie said, nibbling on a French fry.

"Isn't that a little old for you, Dear?"

"He just turned seventeen and I am fifteen. That is only two years. That's nothing."

"It's fourteen in dog years." I blurted.

"Yeah, good thing I am not a dog." Mia said.

I crossed my arms and grumbled.

"God, you act just like Uncle Mark." Mia exclaimed.

Good to know we still have something in common.

"I want to meet this Jake." I said.

"Soon but you have to behave." She said.

"I always behave." I told her.

Ma and Addie snorted, which in turn made Mia laugh.

'They don't think so." She said pointing to the two traitors.

"Oh, the things I could tell you." Ma taunted.

"But you won't." I growled.

"We'll talk later." Ma promised Mia.

I kept reminding myself that my mom and daughter meeting was a good thing.

"So what other interests do you have?" Addie asked.

"I love surgery. I am going to be a neurosurgeon when I am older." She stated proudly.

"That makes sense." Addie said, sparing a glance at me.

"I practically grew up here with my mom and Uncle Mark."

"How is Mark?" Ma asked. She had been fond of him.

"He is awesome. He's always been there, ya know? What I love most about him is that he never pretended he was my father. I knew since I was old enough to comprehend that he wasn't. But it was nice that he stepped up to the plate and helped Mom. She always said she doesn't know what she would do without him." She said honestly.

A fissure broke off my heart hearing those words, but I couldn't deny I owed Mark for helping to raise such a fine young woman.

"I am really glad you had them both." Ma said.

"I was wondering if maybe you would like to go shopping with me Saturday?" Addie asked Mia.

"I would have to be home by six." She said. "We have dinner over at Grandpa Thatcher and Grandma Sue's." She explained.

"That's fine. Just ask your Mom, or I can, and see what she says." Addie suggested.

"I think I will ask her, if that's alright with you. I just…you seem great, but I don't want to upset her."

"I understand." Addie said, and I could tell she was being sincere.

Mia checked her watch.

"I have to get back." She said regretfully. She stood up and kissed my cheek. "Grandma, will you come find me when you are done?"

"Of course, Dear. I will be there soon."

Mia slipped off and I turned to my mom.

* * *

"Really Ma, you give me a day? One day?" I asked.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, I do not appreciate your tone, young man. What did you expect me to do when you call and tell me I have a fifteen-year-old granddaughter I have never met?"

"She does have a point." Addie told me.

"Thanks Addie. Really. You are a big help." I said sarcastically. She shrugged in answer.

Her beeper went off and she checked.

"Mother in labor." She stood up and gave me a kiss, just like Mia had. "See you later."

"Bye." I said.

"I know you are having a hard time with this Derek." Ma said sympathetically.

"Yeah, well, I have this wife that cheated on me that I feel obligated to be with, a woman that I loved more than anything in the same city that bore my child and hates my guts, a man who helped that woman raise my child because I was MIA, and a daughter who is a joy to be around but doesn't know me from Adam. Yeah it is pretty hard." I said.

Ma looked at me speculatively.

"I saw Meredith." She said.

"You saw Meredith." I repeated monotonously.

"Actually I sought her out."

"Why?" I asked.

Ma looked at her hands.

"I told her."

"You told her what?" I asked.

"About why you really left." She admitted.

"Ma! You had no right!" I exclaimed.

"Seeing as I was the reason you left her, yes I did have the right. She deserved to know, Derek."

"And it was my place to tell her."

"Do you really think she would have listened to you? That she would have sat down with you and let you tell her why you ripped her heart out so many years ago?"

I settled back in my chair.

"No."

"Exactly, no."

"How did she…what did she say?" I asked.

"She was upset with me, deservedly so. I played on your need to protect the women in your life, that is my burden to carry. It shouldn't be yours."

This is the first time she had ever admitted to wrongdoing on her part in the end of Meredith and I.

"We were both at fault Ma. You might have guilted me, but I chose to lie instead of telling her the truth." I assured her. "It doesn't matter. Not anymore."

"Of course it matters."

"No, it doesn't. I am married. She is with Mark."

"Do you ever wonder why she never married him?" She asked.

"Maybe she doesn't believe in marriage."

"She used to. Amber and she used to talk about it all the time. About how she would wear my wedding dress and how she wanted it outdoors, even if it was crazy to want to get married outdoors in the rainiest state in North America. She believed in it, with you."

"Great so I also destroyed her faith in marriage." I sighed.

"Why don't you stop being so negative and be more proactive. Really, Derek. Your father would be so disappointed. Go for what you want."

"Ma, I am married. Remember?"

"I might be persuaded to forget that little detail. Just for the greater good." She hinted.

"You are encouraging me to commit adultery? What would Father Hannigan say?" I mock gasped.

"Hush. I will say a thousand Hail Marys later. I would be happier with divorce but if adultery happens first, I will live with it."

"You are talking about breaking up the only home that Mia has ever known."

"No, I am talking about giving her the family she was supposed to have in the first place. Besides, all is fair in love and war. Now, the only question is, how do we make this happen?"

I looked at my Ma, and love for her overwhelmed me. Here she was, willing to throw aside her values and help me win the love of my life back. She really was a great mother.

"I think that we need to leave it alone. Let her be. She deserves to not have me ripping her life apart any more than I already have. I appreciate your offer, I do, but I am married. And no matter what Addie did, I would be no better than she is if I did the same thing. Do you understand?" I asked.

Ma sighed.

"Yes, I understand." She smiled serenely at me.

I wasn't so sure I trusted that look, but let it go.

"Come on. I have to get back to work and you have to get back to Mia."

"Just think about what I said." She insisted before walking in the direction that would lead her to Mia.

Like I could think about anything else.


	40. Multiple Perspectives

_Book Three, Part Twelve: Multiple Perspectives_

_Addison's Point of View_

I sighed as I slapped my last chart shut. I sat back in the conference room chair and stared out of the blinded windows to the busy halls of the surgical floor of Seattle Grace.

If you had told me that I would have ended up in one of the rainiest places in the continental US I would have thought you were high off Oxycontin.

Then again if you had told me that my husband would move me here suspecting his ex-girlfriend might live here, I would have not been one bit surprised.

I had sensed from the beginning that he had been badly burned. Turned out, he had done the burning. Getting him to look at me as more than a friend, hell to get him to look at me at all had been a major undertaking. I had dressed up, enhanced my cleavage, showed off my legs, until eventually I just dressed down in jeans and t shirts. He was a simple guy deep down and there was nothing simple about me. I had been raised rich. I was rich. My middle name was Forbes for crying out loud! I could have everything I wanted…

Except Derek.

Yes, I was married to him. Yes, he was a kind and decent man who treated me with respect. Respect I knew I hadn't earned and if I was being completely honest, respect that I didn't deserve.

Everything went so well in the beginning. September 11th had brought so many people together, Derek and I included. I had cherished our friendship and was glad when he let me in.

Then he told me about Meredith. The love of his life. The one he let get away. The one he lied to. The one he pined for. The one he screamed in his sleep for. It was Meredith everywhere, all the time. I started to resent her. I started to hate her. She was like this ghost haunting my existence. No matter what I did, I couldn't live up to the perfect image of her in his mind. It didn't matter that they had been teens when they met. It didn't matter that he had left her. All that mattered to him was that he was not with her.

I did everything I could to make him love me more. I failed at all of them. So, I walked away, tried to move on. Told myself that it didn't matter, that I didn't want him, didn't love him.

Then he showed up on my doorstep and with his proposal, I decided none of it mattered. It didn't matter if he loved her more, it didn't matter that he pined for her, it didn't matter that he wanted her, all that mattered is that I was the one that got him for eternity. It was like a final fuck you to the woman I couldn't measure up to.

I had done some very stupid things in our marriage. I had gotten on his mother's bad side. Not very smart. All I can say is that when you grow up in my family, emotion and tact are not very common occurrences. When she had asked me about kids, I hadn't meant not ever, I had meant not right now. Yeah still a sin in her book. Thankfully I had hit it off with Nancy. She was wonderful and welcoming in a family that wasn't. At least, not to me.

The affair was…I don't know what it was. Derek had begun pulling away from me, more than he already did and I was lonely. I was bitter. I was pissed.

And this guy wanted me. He made me feel good. He made me feel needed. Adored. And I went with it. Who would turn down the chance to feel that way? I certainly wasn't getting it at home.

So I lost myself in a flurry of sexual encounters, telling myself that I wasn't cheapening myself, my marriage or Derek. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him…until he knew.

I honestly think that he knew about my affair before he actually saw proof of it. I don't think he cared very much that I cheated. I think that it was the fact that I cheated on him in our house that bothered him more than seeing a man fucking me.

He just looked at me, or rather through me. And then he left.

I spent a long time speculating on what went wrong. Or rather when it went wrong. I really thought I could make him happy but that was when I realized what I should have seen all along. Derek didn't care if we drove the best cars or lived in the biggest house or if we had the best practice in Manhattan. All Derek wanted was to look in the mirror at the end of the day and like what he saw.

I tried that once. I looked horrible to myself. So, when he had invited me to move here with him, effectively giving me another chance, I jumped at it. I didn't care where we lived, or what we drove, I just wanted him.

But more than that I wanted him to want me. I felt I had a good chance of making that happen. I was ready to start a family.

I just didn't count on what awaited me when I got here.

I knew the moment when Derek's eyes met hers that something was…off. His whole body tensed and he stopped breathing. His eyes were glued to hers. Then she passed out and he was so concerned for her. I didn't understand. He hadn't even met the woman.

Then I heard her boyfriend say her name and it all made sense.

Meredith Grey.

The bane of my existence.

Then I knew that he had known or suspected that she was here and that was the reason we had uprooted our lives.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to tell her back off, that he was mine.

But then, it turned out she didn't want him. And something inside me rejoiced, until I remembered that my husband did want her. That he had always wanted her.

Then the nail being slowly driven into my coffin.

They had a daughter.

I had known something was familiar when I had met her. Her eyes. She had Derek's eyes. She was beautiful and he already adored her so much.

I remembered watching him talk about her, his eyes lit up in a way that I hadn't seen in years.

It didn't bother me that they had a child. Okay it did. But it was not Mia that I objected to. She was amazing. She was smart, driven, honest, happy and witty. It was the fact that they had ties to each other for the rest of their lives. A tie that Derek didn't know about before but would never let go of now. Because it brought him closer to her.

By her, I wasn't talking about Mia. I really was interested in getting to know her. And for now, even Meredith wasn't a threat. She seemed to be very committed to Mark and let me say, he was one good looking man. She could do a lot worse.

It just didn't seem fair to me that this woman had two men who desired her and I couldn't get the one I was married to, to even look at me for longer than it took to ask a question. Our nights in our small trailer were mostly spent in silence, like it took too much effort for us to make small talk.

I sighed again as I spotted Meredith Grey talking to her sister at the Nurse's station.

I knew that no matter who she was with or how much she resisted Derek, you just couldn't fight an attraction and a desire that powerful.

I knew that my time with Derek was limited.

See, I wasn't completely stupid.

* * *

_Mark's Point of View_

I smiled as I walked off the elevator and saw Meredith's honey blond hair. Then I frowned when I saw her companion. Then I turned and walked away.

Lexie Platt was a thorn in my side. So full of sarcasm and raised eyebrows and her perfect photographic memory that make everyone else look stupid.

I hated the way she talked.

I hated the way she breathed.

I hated the way she stared at me.

I hated the way she walked.

I hate that she is my girlfriend's sister.

Most of all I hate that I don't really hate her.

I hate me.

More so, I hate being me. I was the kid born on the wrong side of the tracks. The drunken father, the absent mother, the rough neighborhood, the subpar education, the dirty looks like I was gum off of the bottom of their shoes.

Then I met Derek. Derek with the curly afro, the gangly frame and the cystic acne. He had been bullied for the first week he had lived there, and I had walked over to the nearby park at the exact moment someone was stuffing him in a dumpster. I fought his fight and walked away with a best friend.

I finally had a family. I had been at his house more than mine. He had a mother that cooked and doted and was kind. His dad was dead and that was depressing but he had a great family. And they welcomed me into it. Derek and I were as close as brothers and I cherished my time with him.

Then he had started school and met Meredith.

She was the girl every boy wanted, and every girl wanted to be. She was smart, funny, beautiful, nice, loyal, and able to see through the bullshit and surround herself with genuine people.

So when she had met Derek, it was really no surprise that they hit it off. She didn't care that he had unruly hair or bad acne…she just saw the person he was underneath all of that.

I would be lying if I said that they hadn't had a love that transcended all meaning. They were just meant to be.

Which made me a bigger shit for wanting her myself. Truth was, I envied Derek for having Meredith. For being her first choice. We would all hang out but no matter what I did, I was just Derek's friend. I wasn't the hotter friend to her, I was Mark. As time went by, I convinced myself that being friends with her was all I needed.

And then he left.

No word, no explanation that made sense. No, he had lied to her and then left. Meredith claimed he had been telling the truth, that maybe he had just been pretending. I could have told her about all the nights I had spent the night and he had gushed about her. I could have told her that he worked odd jobs for months to buy her this gold charm bracelet for her seventeenth birthday. I could have told her that he had a journal that detailed every minute second of interaction that they had ever had.

But instead, I kept quiet. I had let her think that she hadn't been enough.

Why? Because she was finally leaning on me.

I was a shit. I am a shit. A horrible person, but I can't regret the actions that led me to this point. Because at the end of the day, I have her.

Not all of her. No, part of her resides with him. I imagine it's the same for him. I see him with his wife…

There is no spark, no passion. I sense something is amiss with them. And that worries me, more than Mia getting close to Derek. Because if she ever gets over her anger and sees that he is emotionally available, she may rethink us.

But why don't I want to let her go? I love her…very much. But it is the calm comfortable love that best friends have. I don't delude myself into thinking I am the love of her life. I know better. Fifteen years with a person, you tend to know them heart and soul and I can tell you without a doubt that neither belong to me.

She is grateful. She is honest. She is giving of her affection, her body, her thoughts, but not her heart. She doesn't lead me on, she doesn't make promises she can't keep. She isn't perfect, but then again, she doesn't pretend to be. She is honest of her flaws and that makes me admire her even more.

I love her, and I admire her. I have spent fifteen years helping to raise my ex best friend's daughter. I have defied the logic that said I would be drunk and violent like my father, absent like my mother, stupid, out of work and unloved. I have defied them all.

I am rich, smart, kind…I am a doctor. I worked hard to get here. I am not about to stand her and let him take it all away from me.

But at the end of the day, if it comes down to what I want and what Meredith wants…Meredith wins every time. Because she made me what I am today. She let me grow under her care and I owe her a lot. I owe her my life. I owe it to her not to ogle other woman, and to clean up my mess. I owe it to her to always support her no matter how strongly I disagree. I owe it to her to let her be happy.'

Even if I may lose her…

Life really sucks sometimes.

* * *

_Lexie's Point of View_

I saw him walk away. He was always walking away from me. Then again, I only knew that because I was always walking towards him, always looking at him. I loathed him, I adored him. It was a vicious cycle. One that was never ending.

I was a horrible, horrible person. I knew this. I was in love with my stepsister's whatever he was…boyfriend? Almost fiancé? I was surely going to hell.

I loved Mer, as much as I loved Molly. I adored Mia. I was close to both. At first, it was nothing more than a stilted conversation here and there. He seemed to be repelled by me. I didn't pay it much mind; I knew I wasn't the kind of woman that could hold his attention. But Mer was. She was so funny, pretty, and smart with just the right number of sarcastic undertones. She was simple but complex. She kept things light but had a darkness in her eyes that suggested she had been to hell and still went there for vacation. I had asked Mom about it once, but she had just shaken her head and said that Thatcher didn't talk about it.

Mark started going out of his way to avoid me around month three after mom and Thatcher got married. I started to think that I had body odor what with the way he would sneer at me. He would disagree with me every chance he got, and it got to the point where Meredith picked up on it and would tell him to behave.

One day it was particularly bad, and I had run out crying. She had verbally berated him and had comforted me, telling me that people sometimes had a clash of personalities and to just ignore him and that apparently men got PMS too. She was my big sister and I had always appreciated her sticking up for me.

Realizing I loved him was a day I would just soon forget. It was during Christmas of 2017. I was cooking my famous mac and cheese at 3 am Christmas morning and he had stumbled in drunk. He had been out with some old friends but kept his promise to be in before Mia woke up. He only did it once a year and he never once took advantage of Mer's kindness of allowing him to go out during Christmas Eve.

He had glared at me, as per usual and sat down heavily at the table.

"Why are you always here?" He had grumbled.

"Because Mer wants me here. Take it up with her." I had said quietly. He unnerved me.

"I don't want you here."

"I know."

"You make me want things I shouldn't want." He had said.

"What, like me dead?" I had asked.

He just quietly chuckled and then stumbled up to his bedroom with Mer.

That little laugh had made me smile and when I realized why, I had rushed into the bathroom and vomited.

I had severed ties with Mer for a while, resulting in it hurting her. She had come to my house, guns blazing, wondering what the hell I was doing, shutting her out like that. I had promised to not do it again and I hadn't. I just forced it all back into the deep recesses of my mind. I didn't talk to him unless asked a direct question, which was never. I went out on dates, slept with some of them…all the while wishing it was him.

But it never would be, or so I had thought.

I never knew that the reason Mer was so guarded about her past would show up one day in the form of our new hotshot neurosurgeon complete with a wife and a secret past with my sister. And to top it all off, he was Mia's dad.

All very interesting.

All I knew was that someone was going to get hurt and for all of my sister's denials, all the anger towards Derek that she harbored, all the walls she had built up in defense…

Someone was going to get hurt and I had a gut feeling that someone was going to be Mark.

I only hoped like hell he would let me help him pick up the pieces.


	41. Men

_Book Three, Part Thirteen: Men_

_Meredith's Point of View_

"You want to go with Addison this weekend, shopping?" I asked, or rather, repeated what Mia had just said.

"Yeah. I think it would be good to get to know her. She is a big part of Dad's life." She said, biting her lip in a move reminiscent of me.

"By shopping with her?" I asked.

"Yes, Mom. We will go to stores and buy things. Shopping." She said and then smiled at me.

"Oh." I blew out a breath. "Okay." I faked a smile.

"Mom, it's just shopping. You are still my number one." She assured me.

I smiled at her. How did that kid always know what I was thinking?

"Okay. You need to go back to work young lady." I said sternly.

She rolled her eyes at me.

"Yes, Mother." She said sighing.

She threw another smile at me as she took her leave.

"She is amazing."

I stiffened.

"I know." I said.

"Can we talk?"

I sighed and turned around to look at him. I hadn't seen him since the day he found out about Mia.

"About?" I asked, feigning disinterest.

"Us." He said.

"Oh, well, then there is no need. There is no us." I said.

"That is where you are wrong. In order for there to be Mia, there had to have been an us. Now can we please take this into a more private place?" He pleaded.

I looked around and saw people staring.

"Fine." I grumbled.

I led him into a nearby conference room. Funny enough, it was the same room I broke the news of him being a father. Once in, I whirled around to face him.

"What is it?" I asked, annoyed.

He opened his mouth to speak but hesitated. He sat down and let out a breath.

"Hear me out before you say anything, ok?" He asked.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I may have crossed my arms over my chest, and I may or may not have tapped my foot impatiently. Only thing left for me to do was to throw myself down onto the floor kicking and screaming. That would complete my foray into being a five-year-old.

"Speak." I ordered.

"I am not a dog." He replied.

"Could've fooled me." I muttered.

"You know why I left. I know you know. So, what is with the attitude?" He asked.

"What? You thought that your mom telling me that you had done it for my own protection and because she guilt tripped your ass that it would change anything?" I asked. The look on his face confirmed that he had thought just that.

I plopped down into the chair opposite him.

"It doesn't change the fact that you left." I said quietly. "You didn't trust me to make my own decisions therefore robbing you of fifteen years with Mia."

He hung his head down and stared at his entwined hands.

"It robbed me of much more than that." He admitted. "You were my…everything. The sun rose and set on you and you alone. Just the thought of something happening to you…" He trailed off and looked away from me.

"Something did happen to me. Something big, something wonderful and you weren't there to share it. Do you have any idea how scared I was?" I asked.

"Believe it or not, I do. What if the one person you loved more than life was threatened? Can you imagine how that would feel? I was scared but in a different way."

I nodded.

"She adores you." I said.

He smiled.

"I adore her. She is…" He trailed off.

"Everything." I finished for him.

He looked at me and nodded.

"Yeah. Everything."

"You destroyed me." I looked him straight in the eye. "You made me question my value, myself worth. No one should ever have to do that. I can understand your reasoning behind your decision, but I can't forgive you that. Not yet. We can be civil, friendly even, for Mia but as far as I am concerned, we are in the past and we should stay that way." I said firmly.

I could see him thinking about that.

"So you aren't going to run over me in the parking lot?" He asked.

"Not today." I said.

"Fair enough." He said.

"I think that it might be a good idea for all of us involved to have dinner one night. Air out any grievances." I suggested.

Derek looked surprised. Not as surprised as Mark was going to be…

"That is very adult of you. You don't have to do that."

"I am an adult Derek. I was forced to grow up when I was eighteen. I am not doing this for you, for Mark, for your wife…I am doing this for Mia. She is what matters in this whole situation. She is the only thing that matters." I said.

"Understood and agreed." He said.

"Ok. Was there anything else?" I asked.

"One more thing. And you can say no, just don't throw anything at me. It is just a question." He said.

"This is going to piss me off." I stated.

"Probably but if I don't ask, my mother will skin me alive." He said.

"Ooh, a man still scared of his mommy…" I teased.

"Do you need any help with Mia, financially speaking?" He asked.

"Does she look like she wants for anything?" I asked.

He held up his hands in defense.

"No, she doesn't. I wasn't implying you couldn't or wasn't taking care of her. I just wanted to contribute. I have missed so much and that is my fault, but I just wanted to do something." He explained.

I calmed down.

"No, she needs nothing. The only thing I couldn't give her was you and you are here now. You can start her a savings account to implement the one I have for her. College is expensive and while I am sure she will get a scholarship; dorm life is lacking these days." I suggested.

"Would you object if I give her a credit card that I put money on every month along with that? I mean I have more money than I know what to do with and she is my daughter…"

"That is up to you and your wife." I said. "But, no, I wouldn't object to it."

"Thanks." He grinned and my heart stuttered helplessly. He looked so much like the boy I used to know just then.

"You're welcome." Neither one of us said anything for a moment. "Well, I should get back to work. You talk to your wife and I will talk to Mark and we will get together with a day and time." I said, scooting my chair back to get up.

"Will do." He said.

I looked at him for a minute, a long minute, and he looked at me expectantly, but I didn't know what I wanted to say…or I did but I couldn't bring myself to do so…

So I just shook my head and squared my shoulders and walked out of the room.

Because after all that had passed between us, all the progress that we were now making, I still couldn't tell him…

That I missed him.

* * *

"How is my baby girl?"

I looked up from my lunch and smiled before launching myself into my father's arms.

"Dad! What are you doing here?" I asked.

Dad and Susan rarely came up to the hospital anymore since Susan had retired as the Chief's assistant.

"Can't a father come see his favorite biological daughter and granddaughter?" He asked.

"I am your only biological daughter and Mia is your only biological granddaughter." I reminded him.

"I know." He winked.

He settled himself next to me and stole a tomato from my salad.

"Get your own." I complained mockingly.

"I hate hospital food." He said.

I rolled my eyes.

"What brings you here?" I asked.

"I had to get some tests run." He said.

I stopped smiling.

"Are you okay? Is it serious? What did the doctor say? Who is your doctor?" I spat questions out at him at warp speed.

"I am fine, no it is not, I have hypertension and high cholesterol, and Dr. Evans." He answered.

"You should be eating healthier." I admonished.

"Oh don't worry about that. I am on a taste free diet courtesy of your stepmother." He said wryly.

"I knew I liked her." I teased.

"So what is new with you?" He asked.

That was a loaded question.

"Nothing much." I said. "Mia is doing great. She is working here more than originally planned, but Mark is happy because it keeps her from Jacob." I laughed lightly. "Everything is great here. My professional life is taking off while my personal life stays grounded and…"

"Is that Derek Shepherd?" My father interrupted me.

Oh shit. So much for lying.

I chanced a look over to where my dad was looking.

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot to tell you. Derek moved back and Mia…"

My dad looked at me then and his face was thunderous. I cringed. I was in trouble.

"How long has that boy been back?" He asked.

"Um…a few weeks." I told him.

"Does he know?" He asked.

"That he is back?" I asked, buying time.

"Don't be cute with me young lady."

"Yes he knows." I sighed.

"Does Mia know?"

"Yes."

He closed his eyes and I could tell he was counting to ten…then twenty…then thirty before giving it up completely.

"Did you not think it might be nice for you to pick up the phone and call me and tell me that the guy that impregnated my daughter had waltzed back in after fifteen god damned years to play daddy?" He fumed.

"Please keep your voice down." I pleaded. "We have kept this kind of quiet which is unusual for Seattle Grace and Mia is happy. She saw him before I could tell her and then she asked me to tell him and I did. Because it made her happy. He makes her happy." I told him.

"So you are just going to let him back in?" He asked, shaking his head.

"What?"

"He hurt you Meredith. He obliterated your heart, your dreams. I can't believe he gets off scot free."

"He isn't. He had his reasons for leaving which I know now. Doesn't mean I agree with them. Mia wants him in her life. Besides he is married to the red head." I said, indicating Derek's wife with my fork.

"Okay. But if he steps out of line one time, I am on him like white on rice." He warned me.

"Okay, Dad." I placated him.

Then I looked at Derek before looking back at my dad before coming to the conclusion...

Men were nothing but little boys in men's clothing sometimes.


	42. Lets Talks

_Book Three, Part Fourteen: Lets Talk_

_Thatcher's Point of View_

I bid goodbye to my daughter with her looking at me knowingly. Still, she went on her way like the good girl she was. I sat back and waited.

I waited while that little punk and his redheaded wife ate their salads. Waited while she talked and he pretended to listen…yeah, happy marriage there.

Finally, my patience paid off and the redhead was paged. The Punk sat back and relaxed with what looked like a medical journal. Don't get too comfortable.

I walked quietly over to him, my figure shadowing over him. He noticed and looked up with a kind smile.

A smile that slowly died away into a straight line. Fear leapt into his eyes. Yeah, you better be scared.

"This seat taken?" I asked calmly.

He exhaled and straightened up.

"No. Please sit." He offered.

I sat down and just stared at him. Time had changed him. He was still a good-looking kid, probably better looking now. He had grown into his looks. His eyes had once been bright with excitement and now they were dull and trouble. He looked tired and worried. I almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

To his credit, he didn't shift under my intense gaze. I almost respected him for that.

Almost.

He met my gaze dead on and scrutinized me as well. I almost liked him for it.

Almost.

Almost doesn't count.

I had approved of him whole heartedly when Meredith dated him. Of course, I didn't know then that he had deflowered my daughter. But what did I expect? I wasn't naïve in any way and I knew they had loved each other very deeply. So even though I had suspected, I was better off not knowing. Besides it had given me Mia and in no way would I ever regret that.

But when he had left, my daughter changed. She was no longer the happy kid I had raised. Instead, she was vulnerable and broken. Seeing her that first night, having had to call a doctor to make sure she was okay, seeing the deadness in her previously vibrant green eyes had emotionally maimed me. I was on suicide watch for months.

Then Mark had happened. Thank God for him. He had stepped up to the plate and had been there for Meredith; comforting her, wanting her, loving her.

And eventually she had loved him back. I knew it was not as strong as what she felt for Derek, but it was there. But it was a love born out of gratitude and that wasn't a good love for anyone to have.

But her heart had been given away a long time ago and she had never gotten it back. Her heart, that part of which did not belong to Mia, the part held together by patching it up and moving on, belonged to the man sitting in front of me.

"How have you been Derek?" I asked.

Judging by the look on his face, he wasn't expecting that.

"I feel like I am stumbling through my life, never getting to the place I belong." He said.

Now it was my turn to be surprised.

"Let me guess, you are close to finding it here?" I asked.

"Yes, I am." He looked me dead in the eye.

"I am guessing you are not just referring to Mia." I stated.

"Right now I am. Later on, who knows." He said.

"You are married." I reminded him, looking at his unadorned ring finger.

"I am aware of that." He said.

I looked at him sharply.

"Are you getting smart with me, Boy?" I growled. "You are lucky I didn't plant my fist into your mouth the second I saw you sitting here."

Derek sighed.

"No sir, I'm not. I am tired of everyone reminding me of that. I know I am married."

"Are you sure about that? Cause from what I hear, you are looking at my daughter like she is the second coming of Christ. Big hospital, small family. Gossip runs rampant here. She has worked hard for her reputation. She has rebuilt her life after you destroyed it. I will be damned if you come in and ruin all she had accomplished because you have regrets."

"I do regret everything. Yet, at the same time, maybe it was supposed to be like this. Maybe we were supposed to be apart and then find our way back to each other. Have you ever thought about that?" He asked with a desperate look in his eyes.

"You weren't there. So, you didn't get to see first-hand what your decision did to my daughter. I thought she was going to kill herself. She was…she had checked out. No emotional output, very little physical. She just went to school, came home, did her chores, went to bed. Every day it was the same, never changing…until Mark. He saved her…well him and Mia."

He ran a hand through his hair and looked frustrated.

"I get it. Mark is a saint." He said in a tired tone.

I thought about how Mark looked at my stepdaughter. Saint, he was not.

"He is just a normal man, who helped my daughter. He loves her. She loves him."

"But does she love him like she loved me?" He asked.

"No. But you knew that already." I said. "Doesn't change the fact that you left, and you are married. She looks like a nice enough lady."

He snorted.

"She cheated on me last year." He confessed.

"Did you care?" I asked.

"Not really."

"Yet she is here with you." I reminded him.

"I owed it to her to make it work. To try anyway."

"That's bullshit. That is a cop out. You want someone to fall back on if Meredith ultimately rejects you. That's idiotic and it teaches Mia that men don't value women. You have to set an example for her. So, if you insist on messing with my daughter, then lose the wife. Not one second before then or you will answer to me. Understood?" I said tersely.

"Why are you helping me?" He asked, astonished.

I stood up and then looked down at him.

"Because I would give anything to see that light back in her eyes."

I then turned and walked away.

Hope Meredith appreciated this in the long run.

If not, hoped Susan liked Alaska...


	43. Family Dinner

**Here is another snipped of Mia POV on this situation, read and review**

* * *

_Book Three, Part Fifteen: Family Dinner_

_Mia's Point of View_

I smiled sweetly at Jake as he pulled my chair out for me. He was always doing gentlemanly things like that for me. He smiled back and sat down next to me at the huge round table in the restaurant that would be the meeting place of my entire immediate family. Mom and Uncle Mark chose to sit around the table from us. I think Uncle Mark chose that, so his foot was in kicking distance of Jake's leg if he thought Jake was inappropriately touching me. Of course, to Uncle Mark, holding hands was inappropriate touching.

I just shook my head and focused on Jake, who was looking at the menu that the waitress had brought to our table. I took the time to look unabashedly at him. He was so handsome, with chocolate brown eyes, black hair, tan skin, muscular arms, muscular legs, muscular everything.

As though he felt me looking at him, he turned to face me, amusement dancing in his eyes.

"May I help you?" He asked.

I giggled.

"May…be." I teased.

"Why are you staring at me?" He laughed.

"You make me happy." I said simply.

"You make me happy too, Baby." He said. "What do you want to eat?"

"I don't know yet. I am kind of nervous." I told him.

"You, you are not nervous. Your mom on the other hand…" He trailed off as we both looked at mom.

She was fidgeting, more than normal. I could hear the heel of her shoe tapping on the floors, her fingers were drumming on the table and she was green. Like she was about to hurl all over the nice clean hurl free table, green. I was kind of glad she was a little off to my right, just in case.

"Mom." I said.

Her head snapped up.

"Yeah?" She asked.

"Calm down. It is going to fine. We are all adults here. Well, except for Jake and I. We are gonna have to learn to get along. I plan on being here a really long time so it is kind of necessary." I pointed out.

"Is it really?" She asked.

"Yes."

"Why?" She pressed.

"Because I am not going to have one of you sitting in the back row at my wedding or have to have several different birthday parties for my kids just so I can help you four avoid each other." I snapped.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! You are way too young to be talking about marriage and kids." Uncle Mark exclaimed, taking a sip of his drink.

"Okay, then can we talk about sex?" I asked.

He choked and sputtered as Mom beat on his back.

I just sat back and laughed.

"Not funny." Jake hissed in my ear.

"He had it coming." I whispered.

"Yeah but he is not glaring your way, now is he?" He asked.

"Sex?" Mark growled, looking at Jake.

"Hey I am innocent." Jake defended.

"Oh knock it off. We haven't done anything. Now will you please stop glaring at my boyfriend?" I asked pointedly.

"For now." He said warningly. Jake sighed and returned his attention to his menu.

I looked at Mark and smiled. He winked and smiled back and then a storm cloud appeared on his face. I followed his gaze and saw my dad and Addison walking towards us, her hand tucked into his arm. He looked nervous but not as nervous as my mom. Addison looked her usual confident self.

I did like her. She was smart, driven, and nice. And she cared about my dad. She wasn't my mom but then again, no one was. My mom was one of a kind.

They arrived at our table and mom stood up to greet them. Mark only did after an obvious kick under the table from my mom reminded him of his manners.

"Derek." Mom greeted with a nod.

"Hello, Meredith." Dad smiled at her, his gaze lingering on her just a little too long to be considered polite.

Mom looked expectantly at Dad.

"Oh! This is my…wife…um…um…"

"Addison!" Addie supplied sharply. "My name is Addison."

"I knew that." He snapped.

"Did you?" She asked.

"This is my wife, Addie. Addie, this is Meredith, my um…"

"I am Mia's mom and this is Mark, my boyfriend. It's nice to meet you." Mom said, extending her hand to Addie.

Addie took is gracefully despite the scowl directed at my dad.

"Nice to meet you both." She said, shaking Mark's hand after Mom's.

My Dad is a superhuman moron. Way too be obvious there, Dad. I rolled my eyes towards Jake.

"Your stepmom is kind of hot." He whispered.

I looked at him, eyebrow raised.

"Your mom is hot too." He corrected.

I burst out laughing.

"I don't think that is what people meant when they defined equal opportunity, hun." I told him.

He grinned.

The waitress appeared and blinked spastically.

I didn't blame her. There was some serious man candy at this table.

"My name is Abby and I am your server tonight. Have you all decided what you would like to drink?" She asked.

"Something strong." I heard my mom mutter. Uncle Mark shushed her.

"She will have a white wine spritzer and I will have a double scotch, single malt." He said.

"She can't order for herself?" Dad glared at Uncle Mark.

I heard Addie huff from next to me. "Here we go." She sighed.

"Well she doesn't need you to do it for her." Uncle Mark glared.

"I think that Mer should order what she really wants." Dad replied.

"I think you need to mind your own business." Uncle Mark hissed.

"She is my business." Dad stated hotly.

"She was your business, now she is not, and I am all up in her business now." Uncle Mark said smugly.

"Yeah you stepped right into my shoes, didn't you? Were you 'big' enough to fill them?"

Yeah, even I knew what that meant, and can I just say…EWWW!

Mark made to stand up and the waitress was getting nervous. I shot her a sympathetic glance to her and an apologetic glance at Jake before opening my mouth.

"I'm pregnant!" I said loudly.

Silence. Blessed silence. I closed my eyes and reveled in it.

Of course I had to open them and let's just say I am really glad I am not pregnant because if looks could kill, I would be maimed and Jake would be buried in China right now because they dug a hole so deep to throw his corpse in.

"What the hell are you doing?" He hissed.

I looked at the four adults and I use that word lightly and smiled sweetly.

I rolled my eyes at their astonished, angry expressions.

"Oh please, as if. I am fifteen! But it sure as hell got you four, excuse me, three of you to shut up." I corrected, shooting a glance at Addie. "Now, order your damn meal so I can eat, and I don't want to hear one more angry or malicious word out of you three!"

A chorus of sorrys wafted over to me. I sat back , satisfied and signaled for the waitress to take the order.

"Mom will have a shot of tequila and some white wine, Uncle Mark will have the scotch, Jake will have a Pepsi and so will I, Addie will have some red wine and Dad will also have scotch. Thank you and I am so sorry for my parents." I smiled, then turned my attention to my menu.

Jake leaned really close to me.

"I really, really love you." He whispered.

"I know." I said smugly.

* * *

"I am just saying, skipping school was stupid. We all got caught and I got grounded for a month." Mom complained to Mark and Derek.

"I skipped all the time." Addie said. "Mom didn't care."

"She didn't know, did she?" Mom asked.

"Nope." Addie said.

Drinks had lightened them all up. They would never be friends, but at least they were being civil.

"Meredith, I was wondering if I could take Mia shopping in this weekend." Addie asked.

Mom hesitated.

"Yeah, Mia told me. I don't see a problem with it." She said. I smiled gratefully.

"Is there anything she can't have that she may ask for? I don't want to overstep."

"Oh. Um…no. She knows my boundaries and she respects them." Mom said.

"She is a great kid." Addie said, smiling at me.

"Why don't you two have any children?" Mark asked, leaning back, his arm draped over my mom's chair.

Mom glared at him and he shrugged.

Addie looked at Dad.

"I didn't want kids. I wanted to focus on my career and it just never happened for us. Maybe now is a good time though. New town, new jobs, new life." She said.

Dad shifted uncomfortably.

"What about you two? Never thought about giving Mia a sibling?" Addie asked politely.

Mom stiffened.

"Mia was everything I needed." She said.

Addie nodded.

An uncomfortable silence washed over the table.

"Jake is thinking about law school." I blurted out.

Every eye turned to us again.

"What is with you throwing me under the bus tonight." He asked.

"Yes, Jake, is it? I'm sorry, I haven't properly introduced myself. I am Derek Shepherd, Mia's father and I will kill you if you lay one hand on my daughter." He said.

"Dad!" I gasped.

"What? I am protecting my daughter. I don't like the way he looks at you." He said.

"I know. It is like she is something to eat." Mark agreed.

"You noticed that too! It is like she is a piece of juicy meat." They both glared at Jake.

"I really hate you right now." He said, looking at them in fear.

"You love me." I said sweetly.

"Leave them alone." Mom demanded. They both stopped looking at Jake and focused on each other.

Jake sagged in his chair.

"You are evil. Is this why you invited me?" He asked.

"Yeah, I needed a diversion if things went wrong and I knew they would bond over their mutual hatred of you." I explained apologetically.

He tilted his head to the side.

"Hmmm…nice thinking." He opened his menu. "Dessert?" He asked.

I leaned over to him and kissed him behind the menu.


	44. D-I-V-O-R-I-C-E

_Book Three, Part Sixteen: D-I-V-O-R-I-C-E_

_Derek's Point of View_

"Well that was…interesting." Addie said as she settled into her seat and took her gloves off, laying them in her lap.

I just sat there, with the keys in the ignition and my hands on the wheel. That dinner was horrible. I had to sit next to Addie and watch Meredith interact with Mark and meet Mia's boyfriend. He seemed like a good kid, but I don't know if I like the way he looks at her. Like she is something to eat. And Good Lord, when she announced she was pregnant, my heart stopped.

Should've known she was joking, but I didn't find it funny…at all. I hate to question Mer's parenting skills, but Mia was fifteen. Way too young for a seventeen-year-old boyfriend. I would have to broach that subject to her…later, much later.

Addie was the only one who was calm and unfazed the entire evening. She looked like she was the trophy wife of a doctor and maybe that was what she was. She looked smug to be sitting there with me, seeing me watch Mer and Mark. I realized that tonight when she said we were going to start trying to have kids, that I didn't want that. Not with her.

There was only one woman I wanted children with, and she was going home with Mark while I went home with Addie.

I couldn't do it. I just…couldn't.

"Derek? Are we just going to sit here? I am cold." She said, peering at me in the dark car.

"I want a divorce."

The car was eerily quiet for a long moment.

"You can't be serious." She said finally.

"I am. I never should have brought you here. It was wrong of me. I'm sorry." I said quietly.

"Why would you….I am your wife. Until death do us part! The vows Derek. The ring. Look at the ring." She shoved it in my face. I backed away from her.

"The vows also said forsaking all others. Or did you conveniently forget that part? Or is it just you want to be a good wife when it suits you? You know what, I am not doing this. I am sorry Addie, but I don't want to be with you anymore." I looked at her earnestly. "I am going to take you to the Archfield and I will bring you your things tomorrow morning."

I started the car and started to drive. She didn't say anything. It was very quiet. But I felt at peace for the first time in a long while.

I pulled up to the hotel and put the car in park in front of the beveled glass doors.

"Did you ever love me, Derek?" She asked, facing me. I could see the trace of tears on her cheeks and my heart squeezed.

"Not like I should've, but you knew that." I told her.

She nodded.

"You dragged me across the damn country knowing you didn't want me. What kind of person does that?"

"Addie…"

"She isn't going to leave him for you. You hurt her badly. And when she turns you down, don't come running to me. Cause I won't be here."

"I won't. I don't love you. And if you really think about it, you don't love me either. We need to stop pretending and just move on." I said.

"I don't know how to do that. I have been with you for so long. I don't even know who I am." She said, sniffing.

"Take this time to find out, Addie."

She looked at me and smiled weakly.

"Get the papers and I will sign them. Take what you want." She said.

"I don't want anything. I just want Seattle." I said honestly.

"Yeah, I know you do. It's what you always wanted." She said sadly.

She got out of the car and without a last look at me, she walked into the hotel and out of my sight.

I would like to say that I missed her instantly and that I wanted to run into that hotel after her.

But I didn't.

I felt bad for what I did, for what I put her through, but I knew she wasn't the one for me. I had been fooling myself up to this point. I never should've married her.

What I should've done is stay in Washington in the first place. I never should have left Meredith, but I did. I can't change that now. I left and now Meredith was a different person than the one I had left. I had done that to her.

Now she was with Mark and if she was happy, I should leave her that way, but I truly believed I could make her happier than he did. I wanted to be a family with her and Mia. A real family, like we should've been from the start.

I had to get her back, but I couldn't be underhanded about it. I wanted her to trust me again, to love me again, to want me again. To do that, I would have to be patient. I would have to be her friend. I would have to be a good father to Mia.

I wasn't going to trick her.

I would stand by and do what I could, but she would ultimately make the decision. And I would respect her decision.

If she picked Mark, I would have to be okay with that. But I wouldn't be with anyone else. I had done that to Addie and look how it had ended. She was hurt and I had done that. Yes, she had hurt me first, but I had never loved her the way I should've, and she knew that.

It was sad. I was sad that my marriage had ended but I was hoping for a happy ending for myself.

I just had to hope for the best and pray I could get everything I ever dreamed of.

I started my car and headed home…by myself.

Looks like that is how it would be for a while.


	45. Dad is Single

_Book Three, Part Seventeen: Dad is Single _

_Mia's Point of View_

"Hey Dad." I said as I breezed into the conference room, he was sitting in. He was surrounded by charts and labs and papers galore.

He looked up and smiled widely at me, his eyes telling me how happy he was to see me.

"Hey Mia! What are you doing in this neck of the woods? Aren't you supposed to be working?" He asked.

"I was, but when I got here, I was told that Addie wasn't and that there wasn't really anything for me to do. She okay?" I asked, sitting down.

He sighed and set down the paper he was reading.

"Mia, I asked Addie for a divorce last night." He said, then looked at me closely to gage my reaction.

I laughed, which I could tell surprised the hell out of him.

"Sorry, but I was wondering when you were going to get around to that minor detail." I mocked him.

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused." I said casually.

He looked confused so I thought I should help the guy out. I mean, he is my father after all.

"Okay I will help you out with your general manly cluelessness. I told myself I would not lead you in any way in case Mom found out and wanted to blame me for you divorcing Dr. Barbie to get you two back together. This way I can plead ignorance and if that doesn't work, I can plead the fifth…Do you think that works with parents as well as spouses?" I rambled.

He know looked incredulous.

"Oh for Christ's sake, Dad. Do you think I was born yesterday? I told you before I knew how you felt for Mom. But you can't exactly pledge your internal love for her with a wife, now can you? I am surprised and almost ashamed that it took you this long to man up and do it." I lectured with my 'Mom' face, borrowed from my very own awesome mother.

Suddenly he laughed.

"Just when I think that nothing you do can surprise me, you do." He chuckled.

"Yeah, I like to keep people on their toes." I boasted proudly. "How did she take it?" I asked. I didn't dislike Addie. I wasn't conspiring to get rid of her. I accepted her as my stepmother, but I would prefer to make my Mom's eyes shine again, even at the unhappiness of two people, one of them being the man who raised me. I loved Mark, I always would. He would continue to be a big part of my life but both he and my mom deserved better, even as old as they were…

"She was…upset." He said hesitantly.

"She wigged out, didn't she?" I asked.

"At first, yes she…wigged…out but then she just seemed to accept it and I left her at the hotel and took her her things this morning. She was…polite." He said.

"What did you expect? Hugs and smiles? You are dumping her. That can't feel good. Not that I know about that." I smiled proudly.

"About that." He said.

I held up a hand.

"'That' is not open for discussion. Love me, love Jake." I said sternly.

He grimaced.

"Or at least accept him and accept that I will make smart choices. I am not stupid. I will not end up knocked up, defiled, or obsessed." I stated.

"What about deflowered?" He grumbled under his breath.

"That, I can't promise." I said.

He glared.

"Dad, I am fifteen. I just got my period last year."

"Ugh!" He slapped his hands over his ears.

I rolled my eyes.

He looked at me warily for a minute and then lowered his hands when he realized I wasn't going to say anything thing else about Aunt Flo.

"Dad, I am…a virgin and I don't see that changing anytime soon, okay? So, relax. You don't need more gray hairs."

"I don't have gray hairs." He denied.

"Oh, okay, so that is just a little of your blonde coming through. I see." I said with fake realization.

"You just have a comeback for everything, don't you?"

"Yep it is part of what makes me so lovable. Now back to the 64,000-dollar question."

"And what is that?" He asked.

"Which one of us is going to tell Mom of your impending single status?" I smirked.

The look on his face was a pure 'uh oh' one.

I sighed.

Must I do everything?

* * *

**What do you think?**


	46. Breaking Up with Mark

_Book Three, Part Eighteen: Breaking Up with Mark_

_Meredith's Point of View_

"Hey, Whore. Where have you been lately?"

I looked up from hanging my lab coat up in my locker.

"Didn't you know? My life is full of drama at the moment." I reminded her sarcastically.

"Oh, you mean Married Deserter Baby Daddy coming back?"

I glared at her and shrugged out of my scrub top.

"Yeah, that…among other things." I sighed, stopping my actions and leaning against the cold locker door.

"Like what? Finally figuring out that Mark is not the one for you?" Cristina asked casually.

I looked at her and huffed, turning away from her.

"Sorry!" She said, getting her own things from her locker. Then she slammed the door. "You know what? I'm not sorry. I am only telling the truth. Not all of us are in denial and you know I have never been one for keeping my opinions to myself. You don't love him, not like you should. You know this, I know this and most importantly, Mark knows this, and it is very selfish of you both to keep hanging on to a dead relationship just because you are comfortable. Comfortable doesn't mean shit, neither does being grateful to someone. Where is the passion? Oh wait, I know. It's with another man. A man who now lives here. A man that is the father of your daughter."

"A man that is married!" I hissed, interrupting her. "A man who left me, who chose his family over me, who made my decisions for me."

"A man who you still love." She countered.

I swallowed harshly and turned away, finished dressing and shrugged my coat on.

"It doesn't matter. Even if I forgive the rest of it. It doesn't matter because he is still married to her." I said without looking at her.

"Apparently you don't listen to Seattle Grace gossip, because Derek asked Addison for a divorce last night." She closed her locker and went to the door, looking back at me. "Looks like you need to find another excuse." She said before she left me alone with my thoughts.

My dizzying, loud thoughts. I sat down on the bench and buried my face in my hands.

"You okay?"

I took a long shuddering breath and then looked up at Mark.

I wanted to say that, yes, I was okay. That I was happy with my life. That I was in love with him. But I couldn't, because I wasn't. I wasn't in love with him, though I loved him. I was being selfish in keeping him with me even though it was at arm's length. I was being deceitful every time we made love because it wasn't making love if you are not in love. I was keeping him from a life he deserved with a woman who deserved him because of my own fears. So, I decided to be honest.

"No, I'm not okay." I whispered, looking up at him, my eyes conveying what my words couldn't.

"I know you're not. I'm not either." He said, sitting down next to me. I leaned against him and breathed him in. He was so familiar, so good.

"I'm so sorry." I breathed.

"Me too." He said.

"What do you have to be sorry about?" I laughed humorlessly.

"I let this go on for way too long." He said.

"You did?"

"You love him." He stated.

"I don't want too." I said.

He laughed.

"You are so stubborn. Haven't you ever heard the saying, Forgiveness divine or some bull like that?" He asked.

"To err is human; to forgive is divine." I quoted. "I don't think Alexander Pope had my fucked-up situation in mind."

"I think it applies to everyone, Mer. We were good together, but we weren't great. You deserve great." He said.

"So do you." I said.

He cleared his throat and blushed.

"Oh my God, Mark! Who?" I asked, somewhat happy, somewhat pissed off. I had been physically faithful to him, he better have given me that same courtesy.

"Not like that! I may have feelings for someone. Feelings that I stifled out of respect for you. I would never cheat on you Mer." He said.

"I know. Old habits are hard to break. As of now, I have no hold over you. And for the record that person better be Lexie." I said sternly.

Now it was his turn to be surprised.

"You think I haven't noticed the way you get all stiff and formal around her, how uncomfortable she makes you. How nervous she is around you? You two only get that way when you are flustered. She is a wonderful woman, don't hurt her." I said, giving him my blessing.

"Don't let him hurt you. Ex or not, I will have something to say about it." He said, giving me a huh and a kiss on top of my head.

"Don't be a stranger." I ordered.

"I won't be. You and Mia are still my family. I need to get an apartment, so I am going to sleep in the guest room for a few days, if that is alright with you?"

"Absolutely." I said.

"I love you Mer." He breathed.

"I love you too."

He smiled at me then for the second time that night, I was left behind.

I don't know how long I sat there, could have been minutes, could have been hours.

"Oh, Mom." I heard.

I looked up to find my Mia looking at me in sympathy. She sat down next to me and pulled me in her arms, like I have done with her so many times.

"How did everything get so messy?" I asked.

"It's not messy if things are turning out like they meant to be." She whispered.

"When did you get so wise?" She asked.

"I got it from my Mom. Let's go home." She said.

"Yeah, home sounds good." I agreed.

So we went home, just me and my daughter. That was the way it had to be until I got straightened out.

* * *

**What did you think about the breakup?**


	47. The Beginning of Slexie

_Book Three, Part Nineteen: The Beginning of Slexie_

_Lexie's Point of View_

I sat in front of my salad I had prepared, like I did almost every night. I wasn't blessed with my sister's proportional shape, nor my stepsister's willowy frame. I had to watch my weight or those extra ten pounds I couldn't ever seem to keep off would rear its ugly head. It usually settled right on my ass. I hated my ass. Most men preferred the Molly's and Meredith's of the world. I was neither.

I was a fine surgeon, blessed with a photographic memory. This didn't make me many friends as I always seemed to outshine them, always knowing the answer. Those who I called my friends were usually only that because I could make them look good with my never-ending knowledge.

My life was full of routines. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, drove to work, worked, went home, prepared my salad, cleaned up, took another shower, read a few chapters of whatever book I was reading, and went to bed. I did this most every day. The occasional family dinner or drink at Joe's with my fellow colleagues or a quiet fumble in the dark with Alex Karev uprooted my boring routine but most of the time it was just us.

Me and my routine.

So imagine my surprise when I get a knock on my door at 8pm on a Saturday night. I look down at my salad, for one time wishing I could be left alone with my thoughts and hoping it wasn't Alex, but it probably was, even though Saturdays were the nights he got lucky with pretty, slender women.

"Alex, it is Saturday. Why are you…" I wrenched open the door and my words died on my lips instantly.

It wasn't Alex.

Instead it was the man I had dreamt about every night since I had first laid eyes on him.

Mark Sloan.

"What are you do…? Is Mer okay? Mia?" I panicked.

I took notice of his pained face.

I pulled him in my apartment, wincing as I realized I hadn't gotten to the cleanup portion of my routine just yet. Also, because I just touched him willingly and casually. I pulled him to my couch and sat him there, standing in front of him anxiously, waiting for him to tell me the bad news.

It had to be bad news. Why would he be here personally otherwise? He made a point to avoid me, as I did him.

"Mark?" I prodded, standing there helplessly.

"Alex?" He asked.

"What? Wait, did something happen to Alex?" I asked.

"Would it bother you if it had?" He asked, gazing searchingly at me.

"Well, yeah. He is nice enough. He is my friend, sort of…You are not making much sense." I said, frustrated.

"Are you two a couple?" He asked.

"What? No! Why would you ask…why are you here?" I said cutting to the chase.

"Do you two have sex?" He continued without acknowledging I had even spoken.

"Do you and Meredith?" I shot back. "Let me guess, that is none of my business. Well, right back at you. Now tell me why you are here or leave."

"Mer and I broke up."

My heart stopped, or rather, it stuttered. I gasped trying to catch my breath. Millions of questions fluttered through my already crowded head, but one remained in the fore front.

"And you came here?" I blurted out.

His gaze deepened, it got more intense as his eyes bore into mine.

"It's the only place I wanted to be." He said.

I look at him incredulously. Then I start pacing back and forth. Again, questions race through my mind as I mutter senselessly about stupid men and their need to have 'someone'. Just like Alex, when he can't find anything better, Mark too comes here after my sister dumps him just expecting me to be happy about it…

Wait? This is what I have wanted for years! Why am I second guessing it now?

"Lex?" I hear behind me.

I take a deep shuddering breath and turn to face him, defeat evident on my face, I am sure.

"What?" I say quietly. "What do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you. I just want to take the time to get to know you, the way I should've all those years ago. When I first saw you, you took my breath away. You were wearing this black dress and you had your hear down and this huge friendly smile and I was blown away."

"The intern mixer." I said.

"Yeah, then I was introduced to you later through Mer and Thatcher and I knew you were off limits to me. But that didn't stop me from wanting you. I know that makes me all kinds of wrong…"

"No!" I took a step closer to him. "I know what you mean. I felt the same way about you. But she was my sister. Is my sister. My family…I couldn't. I wouldn't do that to her. And I'm sorry, but I won't now." I said.

"Felt?" Was all he asked.

"I still feel that way Mark, but it doesn't change a thing. You are still off limits to me." I said with finality.

"She gave us her blessing."

"She what?" I gasped.

He reached for me and pulled me down next to him, not letting go of my hand.

"We broke up with each other. It was mutual. I know everyone says that to save face but it truly was. It has been a long time coming. She loves Derek. She always has, you know that as well as I do. I needed to let her go just as much as she needed to let me go. I still love her, I always will, but we are not in love with each other and I don't think we ever have been."

"I know all that, but why me? I am nothing special. Not like Mer." I said.

"How can you say that? You are…everything. You are smart, funny, beautiful, and I want you so badly." He said.

Say what?

"I'm sorry?" I said, stupidly.

He brushed his fingers along my cheek, and I shivered.

"So what does this mean?" I heard myself ask.

"It means you have a choice. You have a choice to make. And I don't want to rush you into making a decision before you are ready. I came over here to say…what I wanted to say was…" He let his breath out. "Now all I can say is…I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for…ever." He smiled so sweetly at me. "I know I'm a little late in telling you that. I just want you to take your time, you know, take all the time you need. Because you have a choice to make. And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong. I chose to stick it out with Mer out of some misguided sense of loyalty." He sighed contentedly and then stood up. I still sat there stupidly, blinking up at him. "Good night." He smiled and then let himself out.

Well that just blew my routine out of the fucking water…

* * *

**Using a MerDer scene to pair Mark and Lexie. What do you think?**


	48. Old Feelings

_Book Three, Part Twenty: Old Feelings_

_Meredith's Point of View_

"Ugh, quiet board." I muttered to myself as I looked at the surgical board.

"I know."

I looked to my right and saw Bailey looking disgruntled.

"That's a bad sign." I said quietly.

"I know that, don't you think I know that?" Bailey said.

Before I could respond, Derek walked up. I avoided looking at him.

"That's a quiet board." He said.

Bailey groaned.

Derek leaned closer to me, his breath floating near my ear.

"Why is she in a bad mood?" He asked.

"Quiet board." I said.

"Right, I hear it's a quiet board." He said.

"I can hear you two talking about me." Bailey scowled.

"We're just saying…" Derek said.

"A quiet board means trouble! A quiet board is death! A quiet board bodes bad news!" She turned around to face us. "And stop looking at me like that!"

She stalked off. Well okay then…

"Dr. Shepherd." I nodded and then turned to follow her lead.

"Dr. Grey." His tone suggested he had more to say.

I turned back to face him and plastered a smile on my face, trying not to sniff him. God, that man smelled like heaven.

"We have known each other for several years."

"Yes."

"We have now worked in the same hospital for a while now."

Where the hell was this leading?

"Yes."

"We share a daughter. So, I was wondering if we could work together today." He said.

"On what?" I asked, indicating the very sparse board.

"Well, I have this idea for a clinical trial, this time for Alzheimer's. I wanted you to take a look at it." He stated.

Oh. I looked at the board again and sighed.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

I shrugged.

"Thanks." He smiled at me, a smile so beautiful it made my chest hurt.

"It's…not a problem."

"You sure?" He asked. "Cause if it is too much and you…"

"Derek! I said I would look at it. Now, do you want me to or not?" I asked.

"Yes, I want you." He smiled and then he frowned. "To. Look at the proposal." He shook his head and then smiled sheepishly.

I looked at him expectantly.

"Oh! This way." He said, leading the way to his office. Once there, he sat down behind his desk and powered up his laptop. I sat down in one of the two chairs put out for consults. While he was occupied, I took a covert look around. Beige walls, dark oak furniture, beige carpet, hospital type art on the wall. The only personal thing in this room was Mia's school picture and another two frames that help pictures I couldn't see. I peered around one and saw a huge family portrait of his mom and sisters and their families. The other one I grabbed and when I looked at it, I froze.

It was a picture of the two of us. It had been the night of Derek's eighteenth birthday, two months before he left. He was sitting down, and I was leaning over the back of the chair he was sitting in, my arms wrapped around him. We were both smiling like fools, the look of love deeply ingrained in our eyes.

"We were happy."

I looked up at him and blinked away my tears.

"Yeah, we were, weren't we?" I said, sniffling.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry Mer." He said.

"I know you are." I said, meeting his anguished eyes. "I was so hurt at first. It destroyed me and then I let the anger take over. I have been angry for so long that I am having trouble turning it off. But I am going to try. Because when it comes down to it, it wasn't your fault. Not really. I mean you could have handled it better, but the end result would have been the same. You would have left me."

"Yeah, she was my mom. They were my sisters, my responsibility."

"Dad wouldn't have let me go with you." I stated.

"No. Maybe if we had known about Mia, he would've…I don't know." He sighed.

"Maybe this happened for a reason." I said.

"Yeah, maybe."

"And look, you are married and have a great job. Life didn't work out too bad for you, did it?" I asked.

"About that. Addison and I are divorcing." He said.

"What? Why?" I demanded to know. I was counting on the wife to keep him at arm's length.

"We haven't been happy for a while. She cheated on me last year with a colleague. We tried to work it out, but I don't love her."

"Did you ever?" I asked, curious.

"I thought I did, but not in the way a husband should love a wife. Not like I loved you for instance."

I looked down at my hands.

"Anyway, we are filing next week." He concluded and then blew out a breath. "Okay what I have here is a grant proposal for the trial…"

"I broke up with Mark." I blurted out.

"And I think we have a good chan…I'm sorry, what?" He asked.

I looked back at him.

"Mark and I, we broke up."

"When?"

"A few days ago. It's been coming for a while. He has feelings for someone else."

"He cheated on you?!" Derek stood up; his eyes angry.

"No! He didn't. Mark wouldn't do that to me, but I did suspect he had strong feelings for my stepsister, and it wasn't fair to him to have his life on hold any longer because of me, so I let him go."

'Lexie?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said.

"Wow." He said, sitting back down.

"I know."

Then all of a sudden, we were laughing. God it felt so good to laugh. And with him! It felt like I was sixteen all over again.

"God, I needed that." He admitted. "I haven't laughed like that since…do you remember that day it rained really hard?"

"It was July." I remembered.

"Yeah, and we were late to school so I had to park on the grass."

"And when we got out of school, we got into the car and decided to back out to go get Amber and Mel so they wouldn't get soaked."

"And I was stuck and I tried gunning it, and my tire spun." He said.

"And covered Amber and Mel in mud." I finished.

We laughed again.

"They looked so funny covered in slimy brown mud."

"They didn't think so." I said, remembering the screaming we got from not only them, but his mom for having to pay to have his seats cleaned. If she only knew what else had been on those seats. So glad she didn't own a black light.

"We had some good times, didn't we?' He asked.

"The best of my life." I said sincerely.

"Mer, I was wondering…"

Our beepers went off simultaneously.

I cursed under my breath.

_911\. Pit._

"Looks like an all hands-on deck." Derek said.

"Yeah, looks like." I said, following him out of his office.

All I could think about was the quiet board and the weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.


	49. Trouble in the Hospital (Part 1)

_Book Three, Part Twenty-One: Trouble in the Hospital (Part 1)_

_Meredith's Point of View_

The Pitt was chaos when we got there. Nurses and interns were gathering up supplies, setting up trauma beds, and manning the phones. Bailey was shouting out orders, as was Owen. I caught Mark's eyes and he looked worried. I made my way over there, Derek following me closely.

"What happened?" I asked him.

I smiled at Lexie off in the distance, but she averted her eyes and scurried off.

"Shooting at Peninsula Community College. All hands-on deck. So far, we have six victims incoming, but more have just been found. Shooter had a semi-automatic weapon and they still haven't found him."

"Damn." I heard Derek mutter.

"How far out?" I asked.

"Ten minutes."

"Okay so why don't you tell me why Lexie is avoiding me." I said Mark.

Now he averted his eyes.

I hit him in his chest.

"Ow! Shit Mer!" He complained, rubbing his chest.

"Answer me Damnit!" I scolded.

"I went to see her last night, just to talk. I told her how I felt and then I said that she could take all the time she needed to decide if she wanted me." He explained.

"Okay but that doesn't explain why she doesn't want to talk to me."

"Isn't she your sister?" Derek interjected. Mark and I both whirled around to face him. Derek took a step back. "I mean, wouldn't she find it, I don't know, slightly weird to date the man her sister was with for fifteen years? Just a guess."

"Huh." I said. "Well that won't do. I will talk to her, put in a good word for you." I told Mark.

"Thanks Mer, you are the best ex-girlfriend ever." He teased.

I laughed.

"She is, isn't she?" Derek asked.

We both looked at him again.

"Tough crowd." He joked.

I smiled at him and nudged him with my hip.

"Okay folks, Look alive!" Bailey yelled.

We all rushed into motion. Mark, Derek and I were on point. As the attendings we were the go-to people for questions. I took the first ambulance pulling up.

"What've we got?" I asked.

"19-year-old female, multiple gunshots hitting the torso, leg and head. She coded en route and we had to bring her back. BP is 70 over 35, pulse is 32. Has not gained consciousness since we found her."

"Okay everyone, shotgun! Mostow, call down and get me four pints of O neg, Bonner, get CT down here now! I need to know what those bullets hit." I examined her head wound and then looked for Derek. "Derek, you busy?" I asked.

He met my eyes and shot me an incredulous look.

Okay so that was a stupid question.

He said something to Dr. Torres and tore off his gloves and disposing of them before coming over to me.

"What do you have?" He asked then looked at the patient.

"Oh wow." He said.

"I know, I think it might have hit the midline."

"God, I hope not. You getting a CT?"

"Yeah."

"Okay let me know what you find out and if you need help with the surgery." He said before squeezing my arm and rushing off to help someone else. I looked down at my arm that was still tingling.

God I was still hot for that man…

* * *

"Okay take her up and I will go speak to her parents for a minute." I told Mostow. He nodded and wheeled the patient off.

I walked to the waiting room. There were so many people. I sent a prayer up that it wasn't Mia's school. Of course she wasn't in school she was in at work….here. She made a mental note to have Mark or Derek check on her.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cochran?" I called out.

A woman's head popped up and she bolted towards me, the man following closely behind her.

"How is Lucy?" She asked.

I looked at the crowd.

'Come with me, please."

They followed me to a quieter hallway.

"Okay, Lucy is in critical condition. She was shot four times; once in her leg, once in her chest, once in her abdomen and once in her head."

Mrs. Cochran gasped and looked faint.

"We are going into surgery now."

"Can we see her first?" Mr. Cochran asked.

"I'm sorry she is already being prepped. Go up to the third floor waiting room and it is quieter than down here. I will have someone update you as often as possible."

Mrs. Cochran started crying.

"I know how hard this must be. I have a daughter and if she…We have the best surgeons working on her." I said. "I'm sorry but I have to ask. Did you know she was pregnant?" I asked.

The shocked looks at their face told me no.

"She…oh my god. Is the baby…"

"I don't know. She is still pregnant at this point, but I can't say I know how that is going to turn out. I really have to go now. I will have someone speak with you soon."

I rushed off into surgery, praying I could save Lucy. I didn't want to even think of the alternative for those parents.

* * *

"How is her pressure?" I asked Ben.

"Steady." He said.

"This woman is like swiss cheese." Cristina observed, trying to extract the bullet near the heart. "It is right by the aorta. I was hoping for simple."

"There is nothing simple about this. I mean, you go about your day and then someone shoots you and why? This world is one fucked up place."

"It sure is."

I briefly let my eyes fall on Derek, who had just walked in.

"What's the body count?" I asked.

"We have seen seventeen victims and so far, six are in surgery, four more just got out, two have mild injuries and five have died. How are you all doing here?"

"Hoping to not make it six." I murmured, finding the bullet and carefully trying to extract it. I got the pick-ups around it and slowly took it out. I triumphantly dropped the bullet into the metal bin Bokie lifted up for me.

"There!" I said.

"How big of a mess is it in there?"

"Not as bad as I originally thought. She is probably going to have to have some rehabilitation but not many long-term effects. If you want to be shot in the head, this is where the bullet needs to land." I stared closing up. "How is it on your end, Callie?"

"It hit the muscle so she will probably always have a limp. Sucks." She said.

"Alex?"

"Bullet missed the uterus, instead it hit the spleen. I took it out, so you didn't have to bother General. You can thank me later for being such a fine surgeon." He teased.

"The baby?" I asked.

"There's a baby?" Derek asked me.

I nodded.

"Surprisingly stable. She is only about thirteen weeks, but everything seems fine."

"Good. She just might come out of this with very few problems. Great work!"

Derek was looking at something over my head. I followed his glance and saw Mia who was watching.

"I should really stop her from going up there." I surmised.

"She is at home here." Derek said.

"Yes she is."

A sudden beeping snapped my attention back to Lucy. Cristina was frantically working.

"What happened?"

"Bullet slipped, and I snipped an artery." She said.

Oh shit.

I handed off my instruments to Mostow and went to help. Derek did as well. I suctioned while he sopped up the excess blood with sponges as Cristina worked.

"Okay…there we go. Perfect." She said.

We all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Mom, Dad! Look out!" We all glanced up at Mia and then the window to the scrub room shattered.

Standing there was a young man, probably no more than twenty. He was bloody and shaking…

And he was holding a gun...


	50. Trouble in the Hospital (Part 2)

_Book Three, Part Twenty-Two: Trouble in the Hospital (Part 2)_

_Derek's Point of View_

"Mia get out of here!" I screamed as I immediately went to block Meredith from this psycho.

It was almost deathly calm in that OR when he walked in. Most people would scream and run for it. Only one of us really made a sound.

"Whoa!" Callie yelled as her hands went up in the air. Mostow dropped the pickups and the sutures. Bokie and the other nurses froze in terror. Alex sat where he was, his eyes focused on the man with intent. He was sizing him up to see how hard it would be to take him down. I hope he didn't do anything stupid.

What scared me most was Cristina and Meredith.

They paused for a millisecond and then went right back to work, intent on saving Lucy. That was their number one priority. For Cristina, it was because no one died on her table; For Meredith, she was a mother and that was someone's daughter. Different reasons, same goal and they weren't about to let someone stop them from reaching that goal.

Meredith shook me off and kept on suctioning.

"Get away from her!" He screamed.

Cristina jumped, and Meredith let out a breath, but they didn't stop. I stopped watching Mer and did what Alex did. I sized up the man.

I wanted to look up to see if Mia had left like I had told her but I was afraid to bring attention to her. If he saw her, he could get to her before she could get down the stairs leading to the gallery.

I couldn't chance that.

The man leaped forward, the hand holding the gun shaking as his own hand shook, aiming it at Cristina and Meredith. Cristina shook a little herself but kept on working, a tear trailing down her cheekbone and disappearing into her surgical mask.

"I said move away from the bitch!"

"What's your name?"

All of our heads swooshed towards Meredith as her soft, calm voice echoed in the quiet room.

"None of your fucking business." He said.

"Now that is where you are wrong. It is my business because you are in my OR." She told him.

What the hell was she doing?

He turned his gun towards her and I instinctively moved. He then pointed it at me.

"Move away from the table or I will shoot her." He told me.

I stayed put. He put the gun flush up to Cristina's temple. She made a gargled desperate sound.

I still stayed put.

He cocked his head to the side and then smiled mockingly.

"Ah, so you like the mouthy one, huh?" He said.

I stayed quiet, my jaw hurting from all the clenching I was doing to keep from running my own mouth and getting all of us killed.

"Lucy was mouthy. Bitch never shut up. At first, it was cute. Then it was annoying. I wanted out…"

"But she got pregnant." Meredith interrupted.

"Shut the fuck up Bitch!" He screamed at her. "Get away from her. I won't let her ruin my life!"

The gun was on Meredith again.

"No." She told him defiantly.

We were definitely going to have a talk about this later.

He reached for her and I moved forward to block him. Gun be damned. He was not touching my girl.

He eyed me warily and out of the corner of my eye I noticed Alex move. He shot me a meaningful look and I blinked in acknowledgement. I would keep him occupied while Alex made his move.

"Don't touch her." I said.

He raised the gun up.

"If you are dead, you can't stop me, and she is a hot little thing." He said.

"You lay one hand on her and I will make sure you are tortured. You will be begging for death." I threatened.

"Okay, since no one wants to take me seriously, I will kill one person every five minutes in the room until she is dead. Starting…now."

He raised his arm up and aimed it at Callie, who moved back slightly, terror evident in her dark eyes.

"Wait a minute. I am not touching her." She objected.

"Yeah, well…" He shrugged. He aimed, put his finger on the trigger and pulled.

* * *

_Mia__'__s Point of View_

"Mia, get out of here!" Dad screamed, moving towards Mom. My eyes locked on the man for a split second and then I ran out of there. I had to find…someone…anyone to help.

My whole life was in that room.

My footsteps sounded on the steps and I pushed forward as I ran to the OR closet to my mom and dad's. I grabbed a surgical mask and put it over my face as I pushed the door open.

Everyone looked at me.

"Mia! What are you doing in here? Get out." Mark said sternly, looking at me only briefly.

"Uncle Mark." I moaned.

The tone of my voice must have alerted him because he focused on me.

"What's wrong Mia?" He asked.

"I…He…They…"

"Mia?" Aunt Lexie said softly.

"Aunt Lex?" I whispered brokenly.

"What's wrong Baby?" She asked.

And then it just all spilled out.

"It was so crazy and so I was looking for Mom or Dad to get permission to go home with Jake because I knew that they would be awhile. I found them in OR One and I went up to the gallery to ask over the speaker and I was interested in what they were doing so I watched a little while and…and…then…he…oh god." I started breathing heavy.

Mark abandoned his instruments to the person beside him and reached for me, the blood on his gloves staining the sleeves of my shirt.

"What happened?" He asked.

"A guy walked in."

"Okay was he a doctor?"

I shook my head.

"A nurse?"

Again a head shake.

"A civilian?' He asked.

I nodded.

"Mia! Please tell me what is wrong."

"He had a gun, Uncle Mark. He had a gun and he is in there with my parents." I sobbed.

"Oh…oh my god. No." Lexie started chanting.

"Mia, are you sure?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Fuck." He whispered.

"Someone alert Bailey that we have a Code White." He yelled.

A nurse ran for the door, swiping past me as she did.

"Are they gonna be okay?" I asked, brokenly.

"Yes. Mia, they are going to be fine. You did great, coming in here to get me." He assured me.

I felt a little calmer.

That is until I heard the gun go off…

* * *

**Please read and review.**


	51. Trouble in the Hospital (Part 3)

_Book Three, Part Twenty-Three: Trouble in the Hospital (Part 3)_

_Mia's Point of View_

Oh my god!" I screamed, trying to run towards the OR my parents were in. Strong arms held me back.

"No! I have to get to them. They might need help. What if they need help?" I struggled in Uncle Mark's arms.

"I am getting help, Mia. Shhhh…It's gonna be alright." He said, rocking me back and forth.

"Promise?" I choked out.

"I promise." He said firmly. "Now I need you to go to Lexie."

Lexie came up and took Mark's place.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"I'm going to go help them." He said.

"Are you crazy?" She yelled. "There is a man with a gun in there."

"Yeah, and he is in there with Meredith. Our friend." He argued.

"And what happens if you get shot?" She asked.

"I won't."

"And how do you know that?" She asked.

"I am too pretty to die, and I still have unfinished business with you. I am not going anywhere." He promised, running his hand over her cheek. She blushed.

"Go." She said.

He nodded and left the room. I vaguely heard sirens in the background. It was almost like white noise in tandem with the thudding of my heart and the screaming in my mind.

"It's going to be okay, Baby Girl." Lexie whispered; her arms wrapped around me. I nestled into her familiar vanilla scent.

"Aunt Lexie?" I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"When this is all over, we will be needing to have a talk. You and Uncle Mark? Really?" I asked.

She chuckled lightly.

"Okay, later."

"Later. After I get my parents back." I said.

* * *

_Meredith's Point of View_

I looked at Cristina and with our form of silent communication, asked her when she would be done. She answered with a look that said 'almost'. I then looked at Derek, hoping like hell he still knew my looks and told him it would be okay. He nodded slightly, his eyes avoiding mine. I knew it was because he didn't want to single me out.

I watched Cristina quickly finish. I heard the gunman yell and Callie move back quickly. It was a whole lot of outside noise I wasn't focused on.

Then the gun went off and I heard several screams, one coming from me.

I whirled around to Callie and looked at her. Her eyes were wide open in shock and she was looking at the ground.

The ground. I peered over to see Alex lying on the ground, bleeding. I started to rush towards him.

"Don't you dare move another foot."

I suddenly found myself looking down a barrel of a gun. I felt an arm wrap around my waist. I leaned back into Derek's chest, trying to control my breathing.

"I want her dead." He said, slowly and deliberately.

His gun moved to rest on the back of Cristina's scalp.

"Move away from her now."

I walked over to Lucy and calmly slipped my hand under her surgical drape.

"What are you doing?" He asked me.

I backed away again, my hands going in the air.

"Checking her pulse." I lied smoothly.

"I want her pulse gone."

I nodded and then looked at Cristina. She nodded and finished what I had started. Then she backed away slightly, her hands mimicking mine.

Suddenly beeping echoed in the room.

"What is that?" He asked.

"Her pulse going away." I answered.

His eyes found the monitor and I was sickened at the glint of satisfaction in his eyes.

He nodded, smirked and walked out of the room. As soon as he disappeared from view we all took action. One nurse flew out of the room. Cristina scrambled to get Lucy safe. I raced towards Alex, joining Callie who was already assessing the damage. It looked like the bullet entered his left side, near his lung but didn't exit. That wasn't good.

"I need an open OR. A large Bora IV and a couple of bags of O positive blood." I yelled.

Two nurses ran for the door.

"Be careful!" I yelled at them. "That lunatic is still walking around." I muttered.

"Cristina, how is she?" I asked.

"Holding steady. Brilliant idea by the way."

"Thanks. Derek?" I asked.

"Yeah?" His voice was in my ear. I jumped slightly.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Watching you take charge. Trying not to piss myself. Take your pick." He said ruefully.

The nurses came back with a stretcher, the materials I asked for and Mark, who looked worried.

"Mer! Thank God you are okay." He said, rushing forward to help.

"Mark, the guy is still around here." I told him.

"I have security on it." He told me.

"Mark have you seen Mia?" Derek asked.

Mia! Oh Fuck! My eyes went to the gallery.

"Yeah she is in OR 2 with Lexie. She came and got me."

"Oh thank God!"

We got Alex to OR 3 and I went to scrub in.

"Grey, I need you."

I looked at Bailey.

"But…"

"I know he is your friend, he is mine too, but I need you. It's important."

I scrubbed out and walked with her, looking over my shoulder every few seconds.

"Don't worry about him." She said.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She opened the door to a patient room.

There was the guy, slumped over in a chair, blood splatter on the wall behind him. Several security people and police were in the room.

I closed the door.

"What do we know about him?" I asked.

"Adam Todd, 22, Lucy's boyfriend until two weeks ago. She tells him she is pregnant and keeping the baby and that he will support them. He goes out, buys a gun and the rest is massacred history."

"Wish I could say I was sorry, but I am not. Does that make me a horrible person?" I asked her.

"No. He killed a total of eight people today, Lucy not included, thanks to you and Cristina."

"Who else?" I asked.

"Six students and two professors."

I nodded.

"I am going to get my daughter." I told her.

I walked towards the ORs.

"Mark, where is Mia?" I asked when I spotted him.

"Conference room one."

I turned on my heel and went that direction.

"Have you seen Mia?" Derek asked, joining me.

"On my way now."

We entered the room at the same time and Mia leaped at us, her arms catching both of us. She sobbed into our necks. Then I started crying and even Derek teared up.

"I was so scared." She gasped.

"We are okay, Mia." I told her, squeezing her so tightly.

"Okay." She stepped back and used her sleeve to wipe her tears.

"Can we just all go home now? Together? Please. I need both of you tonight." She pleaded.

I met Derek's eyes and then nodded at Mia.

"Sure." I told her.

She nodded and grabbed her things. She then grabbed us both by our arms and walked in tandem with us.

"Let's go home." I said.

It didn't escape my attention that I was looking at Derek as I said that.

* * *

**What do you think will happen next?**


	52. I Forgive You

_Book Three, Part Twenty-Four: I Forgive You_

_Meredith's Point of View_

"That was really good." Derek said, as he finished the rest of his dinner.

"You mean compared to high school?" I asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"No…well, yeah. A certain memory comes to mind." He smirked.

"Oh come on! I was sixteen! How was I supposed to know not to put metal in the microwave?" I asked.

"Um…Mom. I have known that since I was five." Mia piped in.

I threw her a mock glare. She just smiled and got up to gather our plates and take them to the sink.

Little Smart Aleck.

I looked over to Derek where his eyes were trained on Mia. I turned back to Mia and watched her dance all over the kitchen, cleaning it up.

"She is so full of life." He murmured.

I looked at him curiously.

He gave me a sideways smile.

"You have to remember I just met her. You have known her her whole life."

"True but that doesn't make me any less amazed." I pointed out.

"I didn't mean it that way." He said immediately.

"No, I get it." I told him. Then an idea struck me. I got up and held my hand out for him. He smiled as he took it and grinned even wider as that familiar electricity jolted us. I rolled my eyes and led him to the living room. I indicated that he should sit down on the couch. I strolled over to the bookcase and grabbed a thick red leather covered book. I sat down next to him and offered it to him.

He looked at it.

"What is this?" He asked.

"Open it." I told him with a smile.

With one last look at me, he did. He looked back at me with tears in his eyes and then back down at the first of many pages of the book. His finger reached out and he traced the fourteen-and-a-half-year-old memory.

He let out a shuddering breath and hung his head. Then the crying started in earnest. Loud, racking sobs. Sobs so loud that Mia rushed in from the kitchen in alarm.

"What did you do to him, Mom?" She asked accusingly.

"What makes you think I did something?" I asked.

"You are calm, and he is crying bitch baby tears." She pointed out.

"Watch your language." I admonished.

She just looked at me.

"Do something." She demanded.

"Derek…Derek?" I sighed. "She was five minutes old in that picture. She was a little stubborn, made me wait hours before she came. It was an indication of things to come apparently." I shot her a look. She came over and sat down on the other side of Derek so that we flanked him. "They just put her in my arms. She was all pink and small."

"She was beautiful." He said shakily. "She is beautiful."

Okay he was talking now, that was good.

"I didn't know what to do with her. I mean, they don't teach you how to be a parent. There are books but that only helps so much." I flipped the page. "Oh, this was her first diaper change. Messy of course. And that is her first smile. Now Dad said it was gas, but I think differently." Another page. "My mom holding her for the first time. She crapped all over her. I high fived her."

"Mom!" Mia said.

"What? Your grandmother has the tendency to piss me off." I said.

Derek chuckled.

Another page.

"Her first bout with baby food. Hawaiian Delight if I remember correctly. She always was a good eater. Oh, and here is her eating strained beets. Not her favorite." Another page. "First time rolling over. First time sitting up…and falling over. It took her a while to get the hang of it." I explained.

We turned page after page. Her first steps, her first time running, her first time falling, her first haircut, her first day of preschool, her first day of kindergarten, first lost tooth, her trip to Disneyland, her first slumber party, all her birthdays, all her memories, all our memories…I shared them all. With the one person who couldn't be there, but desperately wanted to.

I closed the book and looked at him.

"Thank you." He said sincerely, his eyes still a little glassy and red.

I smiled and nodded in Mia's direction. She was curled up, sleeping soundly on the couch.

"We need to get her to bed." I told him.

I went to wake her up, but he stopped me. He stood up and then leaned down to scoop her up.

"Lead the way." He instructed.

I led him to her bedroom, decorated in muted yellow and cream. He gently placed her down on the bed and covered her up, kissing her forehead when he was done.

"I love you Daddy." She murmured.

"I love you too, baby. So much." He choked out. I wiped a few stray tears from my face.

He walked over to me when she started breathing deeply again.

We just stood there looking at our link, the person where past, present and future met.

"I should go home." He said.

"It's late. Sleep in the guest room." I said.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"We just went through a really rough day. And then a very emotional night. You don't need to drive all the way home tonight. Stay." I said.

"Yes." He accepted.

Once again, I was leading, this time to the guest bedroom. "Everything you need is in there. Mark probably has a pair of shorts you can wear to bed."

At his hesitant look, I rolled my eyes.

"The pissing match is over. He is staying at Lexie's tonight, much to their mutual satisfaction, I am sure." I teased.

"Are you really alright with that?" He asked.

"Yes. I am." I said simply.

"Good. I am just going to go…in there…to bed." He stuttered, backing away from me.

For the life of me, I don't know what happened to me in that moment. Maybe it was the horrifying experience of having a gun at your head, or the emotional ordeal of sharing the most important part of your life with someone you have a past with, but before I knew it, my hands were in his hair, his back was against the wall and my lips were on his.

It was a kiss, fifteen years in the making. It was desperate, it was passionate. There was no gentleness, no softness. This was raw and emotional. The kind of kiss that makes you forget to come up for air. The kind of kiss where your teeth clash together and your saliva mixes, but you don't care because you are so addicted that you don't need air and who the hell cares about slobber at a time like that.

Too soon it was over. We both panted and gasped as we looked at each other and I wanted nothing more than to drag him to my room and do it again and again but knowing I had an impressionable daughter and that we were moving too quickly but not quickly enough and it was all feelings and confusion and all I could say in that moment, all I wanted to say, was three little words but not the words one would expect.

"I forgive you."

Three words, however, that meant more than anything else to the person standing in front of me.

Three words that would change our lives more so than they already have.


	53. Death of Me

_Book Three, Part Twenty-Five: Death of Me_

_Derek's Point of View_

I stared blankly at the labs in front of me. For the life of my I couldn't decipher what they said. Years of med school and of training and of teaching others to be doctors and my head was so messed up that I couldn't read a simple lab test.

_I forgive you._

That has to be one of the most beautiful phrases known to mankind. It comes only second to _I love you_, or in my case it comes third behind _I love you_ and _You are a father_.

I have heard two and three from her in the last month.

I would give my life to hear the first one. But it is too soon to expect her to feel anything like that for me. I broke her. I know this. I have no qualms that I don't really deserve her love, let alone her forgiveness but somehow, I have one of them.

Waking up in her home was an experience. It was unbeknownst to me that Mia and Mer started most days with blaring music, singing loudly, and off key, while making breakfast. This morning it was pancakes with bacon. Not very heart healthy but I was happy to eat them just to see them smile. This is what being a family would be like. I found myself wanting that more than anything.

"What has you so enthralled?"

I yanked my head up as I heard a voice, I didn't expect to hear speaking to me nicely.

"Oh. I am just thinking." I told him.

Mark studied me and then sat down next to me with a sigh.

"She is kind, loving, a great mom to Mia, a wonderful doctor and an awesome person. She is also stubborn, hard as nails, holds a grudge like none other and is always right. In her opinion anyway. She will get there. Just be patient." He told me.

"She told me she forgives me." I reported.

"So why do you look like someone ran over your puppy?" He asked.

"I don't deserve it." I said.

"Says who?"

"Says me."

"Who cares about you." He smirked. "It's doesn't matter if you think you deserve it or not. What matters is that she does. She was the one that was hurt, so if she wants to forgive you, then let her and suck it up and prove to her that you are here. You are here right?"

"Yes, I am here."

"And you are not going anywhere?" He prodded.

"Nope. Staying put."

He nodded. "Good. Then we don't have a problem."

He got up and scooted the chair back under the table.

"By the way, I forgive you too." He said.

"For what? I left, you got Mer." I challenged.

"I got to be second best for fifteen years. I forgive you for that. Now tell me you forgive me, and we can move on and be friends."

"Forgive you for what?" I asked, smirking.

"For getting to screw your girl for years." He smirked back.

I stopped smirking.

He laughed. "I'm waiting."

"I forgive you, Mark."

"See there? All better. Treat my girls right." He demanded before walking away.

"I will." I said to no one.

I leaned back and scrubbed my hands over my face roughly. Then I leveled my gaze out the window.

There she was.

Walking so gracefully, her hair in a messy ponytail, laughing at something Yang had said. She smiled at the nurse that handed her some papers and listened intently as an intern asked her a question.

Then her eyes met mine and the smile was meant for me. I smiled back and then broke the connection looking back at my patient's labs.

"What are you doing?"

I looked up at her.

"I am going over my patient's chart for my surgery at three."

"Are you sure you are not in here thinking intently and wallowing about the past?" She asked.

"You talked to Mark." I stated.

She laughed.

"No, but nice to know I am right. You always did this. Whenever things got to be too much for you, you would hide away from everyone. Used to drive me nuts wondering if I had done something to make you need space." She sat down in the chair formally occupied by Mark. "When you left, I thought it was something I had done. I thought about the days prior over and over in my head wondering if I had somehow pushed you away."

"How long did you do that for?" I asked quietly.

"Until last month. When your mom told me why." She informed.

This is why I couldn't forgive myself.

"Let it go. Let it go now. I want to see where this goes. See if maybe we have a future as something other than co parents, but in order to do that we have to let go of the past and focus on the here and now. If we can't do that, we don't stand a chance." She stood back up. "Think about it and let me know. Either you can hold on to the past without me or move on to the future with me. Your choice. I will give you all the time you need. After all, what's a few days more after fifteen years?" She asked, a smile playing on her lips as she ruffled my hair and waltzed out.

"I hate when you are right." I muttered.

"I know," floated back at me with a laugh following soon after it.

She was going to be the death of me.


	54. 24 Hours

_Book Three, Part Twenty-Six: 24-Hours_

_Mia's Point of View_

"Where the hell is this place?" Jake asked, as he navigated the bumpy gravel road.

"Just up ahead. And watch your mouth." I said, boxing him on his ears.

He grinned and leaned away from my swatting hands.

"Ooh! There it is!" I squealed. He cursed, under his breath this time, and stomped on his brakes, his arm coming over in front of me so I didn't go through the windshield. He always did that. I loved he was so protective of me, so I didn't bother reminding him my seatbelt was on.

He made the turn and continued on.

"Why would anyone want to live all the way out here?" He asked.

"Maybe he likes the quiet?" I suggested, shrugging my shoulder.

"Well now that you are in his life, he really needs to kiss that concept goodbye." He teased.

I huffed.

"Jerk." I muttered.

"You love me." He grinned.

"I am rethinking that at the moment I have you know."

"Sure ya are."

He pulled up in front of my dad's place and laughed.

'He lives in a trailer?"

"Not for long if I have my way." I said.

"And you always get your way." He said.

I cupped his chin with my hand and made a kissing noise.

"You know me so well." I said.

"Whatever." He got out of the car and I did the same.

Dad must have heard the car pull up. Probably because no one ever came out this far…

"Hey Mia!" He smiled. "Jake." His grin left his face.

I hugged him. "Be nice." I whispered.

He groaned but hugged me back.

He ushered us to his deck to sit down.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" He asked, sitting down after grabbing us some cold drinks.

"What a daughter can't come to visit her father?"

"Of course she can. Does your mom know you are here?" He asked.

"She knows I am out with Jake if that is what you are asking." I smiled.

"Hmmm", was all he said.

"But no, she doesn't know I am here. That is what I want to talk to you about."

"Your mom?"

"Yes."

"What about her?"

"Not so much her as when you are going to pull your head out of your ass." I stated matter of factly.

Jake held out his hand. I reached into my pocket and slapped a five-dollar bill into it.

"Why are you giving him money?" Dad scowled.

"Because I am trying not to become one of those angsty teens who has to say loads of foul four-letter words to get their point across. Don't try to change the subject. You are all…mopey and crap. She forgave you. This is what you wanted. A second chance. She is handing it to you like a steak on a silver platter and you are crapping all over it." I ranted.

"There goes my eating steak for a while." Jake muttered.

"You need to watch what you eat anyway. A little chicken won't kill you. Not all red meat is good for you." I told him.

Dad looked at Jake.

"Does she always do that?" He asked him.

"Yes."

"And you are okay with that?" Dad asked.

"Yes. Figure it is good practice for when we get married." Dad glared. "Later, much much later." Jake amended.

"Dad, focus. You, mom, second chance."

He sighed.

"What if I mess it up again?"

"Do you plan on knocking her up and leaving her?" I asked.

'No!" He exclaimed.

"Okay then. What's the problem? You go to her, say you never stopped loving her, date her, woo her, bed her…but wait until I go stay at Aunt Cristina's. I don't wanna hear any of that…ever." I shuddered.

"You make it sound so easy."

"It is. You are the one making it hard."

He peered off into the distance, lost in himself. I stayed quiet for once, letting him work it out on his own. I checked my watch.

"Are you going to stew much longer?" I asked.

He looked at me in question.

"Well it's just I have a curfew and if I miss it again, Mom is gonna kill me." I explained.

"Again?"

"Flat tire." I said.

"Was it really a flat tire?" He was back to glaring at Jake, who held up his hands in defense.

"Swear to God." Jake said.

"Stop interrogating Jake. He is doing right by me. You, however, are making my mother feel like you are rejecting her."

"She told you that?" He asked, alarmed.

"Hello? I have lived with her for fifteen years. I am an expert on Meredith Grey. Every day you have doubts, that you take to think and to punish yourself is one more day that Mom curses herself for putting herself out there and making the first move. I don't like it. And I am starting to get pissed."

Jake started to hold his hand out. "No, you owe me for the 'h' bomb dropped on the way over here."

I looked at Dad.

"Now you are going to get over yourself and make things right. Do you understand me?" I yelled.

He looked taken aback.

"Uh…yeah. You do realize that I am the parent, don't you?" He asked, his eyebrow raised.

I stood up.

"Then start acting like it. You have twenty-four hours or else." I said.

"Or else what?"

"I call Grandma and my newfound aunts." I said smugly.

"You wouldn't."

"Try me. Come on Jake."

I leaned forward and kissed my dad's cheek.

"Dude, take a shower. You stink like stale beer and regret." I whispered.

He smiled and nodded.

"I love you, Mia. Also, thank you."

"Well, someone has to be a grown up." I joked.

He rolled his eyes.

"Get home before you get grounded. I will see you soon."

I waved as we pulled off.

"Do you think that helped?" Jake asked.

I took his hand.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I think you might need to find a place to sleep for a few days."

I smirked.

"Exactly."


	55. Meant to Be

_Book Three, Part Twenty-Seven: Meant to Be_

_Meredith's Point of View_

I sat there, on a Friday night, in my comfortable, thread worn sleep clothes, staring at the black screened television. Before ending things with Mark, we would go out to dinner, or go to a movie, or stay in and make love, though that had been few and far in between once Derek came to town.

Now, it is just me. Well, it is me and Mia, but I allowed her to go out on a date with Jake tonight. I glanced at the clock. Still had two hours before Mia's ten o'clock curfew.

I made a face at the remote, but picked it up and turned the TV on, immediately flipping through channels.

Boring,

Boring,

Cheesy,

Boring,

Boring,

Cheesy,

Too action-y,

Too lovey dovey,

Hostage situation, I think not,

Paranormal Activity?

Win.

Just a couple being frightened out of their minds with not much gore or sex…

Sound familiar?

I was just to the part where the demon was dragging Katie out of her bed when I heard, "Mer?"

I kid you not, I jumped about two feet in the air.

I slammed my hand against my rapidly beating heart to try to calm it.

"God, you scared me." I accused.

Derek smiled.

"You can just call me Derek." He said. "Though God is acceptable."

I rolled my eyes and then I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip, suddenly unsure what to do or say now that he was in front of me.

"So…"

"I…"

We both chuckled as we spoke at the same time. He sighed and plunged his right hand into his riotous hair.

"I just needed some…"

"Space." I supplied.

"Yeah." He looked relieved that I got it.

"Are you about done yet? Taking space, I mean?"

"Hmmm. Yeah, I think I am." He walked over to the couch and sat down next to me.

"Why? I mean you have had a decade and a half of space. What was there to figure out?" I asked, seriously curious. "I mean if you are not sure then…"

"I am sure, about you. I have loved you for over half my life. I wasn't sure about me."

"What do you mean?"

"I made you happy once, when we were teenagers. That was high school where things were…we had a safety net. We were sheltered. We had never lived alone or without our parents. This is real life. This is life with responsibilities and bills and jobs and outside forces that could crash down around us. I'm scared."

"Of what?" I asked.

"That I am not enough for you. Or Mia. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. A lot. I have made decisions that affected both of your lives and you didn't have a say so in it. I have a lot of regrets."

"I don't."

He looked over at me sharply.

"What? How can you say that?" He asked.

I chuckled and turned to face him, grasping his face with my hands.

"You gave me the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes, I hated you. I hated you for a long time but even as I say that I know it isn't true. Hate is such a strong word. Hurt. Yeah, I was hurt, even destroyed, for a long time and yes, Mark did help me pick up the pieces, but it was always you. The truth is, I gave you my heart a long time ago and I never really got it back and I have discovered over the last couple of months that I don't want to. It's yours." I enunciated very clearly looking deeply into his eyes.

He placed his hands on mine and his cloudy blue eyes cleared. He smiled fully.

"I will cherish it always." He vowed.

I giggled in relief and leaned forward minutely; my lips parted. He met me halfway and this time he drew my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it gently. I moved my hands onto his shoulders and used him as leverage as I straddled him. His arms came around me to drag me even closer.

Our tongues battled for dominance and our moans and the screaming coming from the television the only sounds in the room. Oh, and the heavy breathing. Can't forget the heavy breathing…

I ground down on his erection making him whine like a schoolgirl. Now this, I remember. Suddenly I was taken back, fifteen years ago, when I had been in this very same position on this very same boy, feeling these very same feelings.

I guess it's true. Some things never change.

I sat up and ripped my shirt over my head and looked at him with half hooded eyes. My intent was clear, and he knew it. I was going to have him tonight.

He met my intent with a sultry intent of his own, as he took his index finger and slid it under my bra strap, nudging it off its resting place in my shoulder. First the left, then the right until both rested at the crook of my arm, my breasts becoming a little more uncovered to his never-ending gaze. He bent his head to nibble on my collarbone and it was my turn to whine. He then bit down gently, and I gasped as I felt wetness leak out into my panties. He muttered something against my neck, and I gasped again as his hand crept up to the back of my head, tangled into my hair and tugged forcefully enough to get my head back so he had easier access. He then dove right back in, giving me biting kisses down on shoulder and arm, then back up to the other shoulder and arm.

I whined again.

"More." I pleaded.

"Savoring." He said.

"Later." I countered.

"No." He said.

"Yes." This time I forcibly pulled his hair so he would face me. "We have all the time in the world later."

"I don't just want to fuck you. I want to make love to you." He whispered.

"Oh Derek, it's all making love. Call it lovingly fucking me." I suggested with a laugh.

He stood up abruptly and I hurriedly wrapped around him to keep from falling, giggling furiously. Then I just slid down his body. It was really awkward trying to walk while you are trying to keep your lips meshed and your hands are seeking everywhere, never staying in one place because you want to touch it all but yet you want to linger.

We knocked over a lamp, several books and the table in my foyer. I didn't even wince when an heirloom of my grandmother's hit the porcelain tile, breaking. I didn't cry out when my head hit the door frame when Derek pushed me up against it. Or when the doorknob hit my back.

None of it registered. The only thing in my focus was this man and all the feelings I held for him.

We stumbled up the stairs, our hands pulling at our clothing. Shoes, pants, his shirt. By the time we made it to my room, collapsing on the bed in a tangle of arms and legs, all that was on us was my panties around one of my feet and one of his socks.

He settled his weight on me, every part of our body aligned and he traced his finger over my face, gazing at me tenderly.

"I love you." He whispered reverently.

"I love you too. But if you don't get moving on the tender fucking, I am going to do you bodily harm." I threatened. Sweetly, I threatened sweetly.

He smiled and pulled back enough to align his turgid cock with my dripping wet channel. I moaned as his tip dipped in. My walls contracted.

"God you are so wet." He groaned.

"The better for you to fuck me with, my Dear. Like now." I demanded.

He shook his head.

"So demanding." He teased.

I pushed up on my elbows.

"Derek Shepherd, if you don't…ah!" I screamed out as he practically split me in two, my back arching up in equal parts pain and pleasure.

"Oh Fuck." He gasped. "So tight. You okay?" He asked with a strained voice.

"Hmmm." I moaned, trying to become accustomed to his girth again. Mark wasn't lacking, but Derek was beyond packing. Oh God, now I am rhyming.

I slowly began moving, my hips gyrating up to meet his. He followed my lead and soon there was no discomfort. I wrapped my legs around his waist, bringing him in deeper, feeling his cock all the way to my cervix. I think he had grown in the last fifteen years because I don't remember it being this good back then. I mean it was good, but not great like now. It was…

All consuming. I was consumed by this man. Completely.

We fit together, like magnets, like puzzle pieces. He was made for me, and I for him.

A particular rough thrust brought me out of my thoughts, and I looked into his frantic sex hazed eyes. He leaned back on his knees and gripped my hips to angle me up, going deeper still as his flesh slapped onto mine. His cock hit just the right spot to have me sputtering and gasping and crying out every time he hit it. My lower abdomen felt like a coil about to spring. Then my orgasm hit me like a ton of bricks. I screamed his name out loud as he continued to pump viciously into me, prolonging it. White lights flared behind my eyes and then I went limp. He followed just seconds behind me cursing as he shuddered and gasped, finally falling on me in an exhausted heap for just a moment before easing out of me and falling to the bed beside me.

We just laid there, entwined, trying to come back to our senses. I extended my neck to look at his face and he looked down at me. We smiled blissfully.

"Like riding a bike…" he murmured.

"But much more satisfying." I said.

He laughed, then he sobered as if a terrifying thought had occurred to him.'

"Now what?" He asked.

I made him look me in the eyes.

"No running; ever. Stay and fight with me, for me. Love each other, even when we hate each other. Raise our daughter. Laugh every day. Wake up in each other's arms every morning. For all the days of our lives." I said solemnly.

"Amen." He said with a smile.

We were silent again.

"I still don't like the idea of this boyfriend thing. She is fifteen." He said. "She should still be playing with Judy dolls and having tea parties, not going out on dates with boys that can bench press a Volvo and going to keggers. And I don't think…"

"Derek?" I said.

"Yeah."

"Shut up and fuck me." I said rolling over on top of him.

"You are going to do that every time you want your way, aren't you?" He asked, amused.

"Oh yes. Are you complaining?"

"Oh no." He grunted as I took him inside of me.

"Good, because I always get my way." I said, swiveling my hips and making him arch his back.

I leaned down to kiss him gently.

And that was all that was said for the rest of the night.

* * *

_Mia's Point of View_

"That was…I don't know what that was. But I have mental images in my head right now that even bleach couldn't wipe clean." Jake complained.

I rolled my eyes and settled back into the swing with a satisfied smile on my face.

Jake looked up when a particularly loud scream floated down to us. He grimaced.

"Your mom is rather…um vocal." He said with a strained voice as he shifted in his seat.

"Oh please this is like free porn for you, only you can't see the visual." I said.

"Aren't you grossed out? Your parents are up there…getting busy." He asked.

I smiled again, and I looked over at Jake.

"Nope I am way too satisfied that my plan worked." I said.

Jake chuckled.

"You are a devious little girl, you know that?" He asked. "I mean getting Bailey to ask him to come here, knowing that that dinner would put your dad over the edge with Addison and get him to leave her, throwing them together all the time…I would blame the gunman on you but there is no way you could pull that off."

"Yeah I didn't account for that. Stupid dude. Though he did speed things along rather nicely. And I am not devious. I am calculating. There is a difference."

"If you say so, Dear." He said.

I snuggled up to him.

"You are a perfect choice for my first husband." I sighed.

His chest rumbled with his laughter.'

_"Derek!"_

My nose wrinkled.

"Yeah okay, now it is disgusting. Take me for ice cream and then to Aunt Cristina's." I demanded.

"Your wish is my command." He said with a funny little bow. I took his arm and looked back at our home.

Our home. Mine, Mom's and Dad's.

Just the way it has always been meant to be.


	56. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

_Mia's Point of View_

**_June 15, 2023 at 7:42am_**

I knocked rapidly on the door. Okay I pounded on it. Age didn't make me any more patient than when I was younger teenager.

"For Christ's sake, can't you two give it rest for one day? I need help here." I yelled. I heard muffled laughs and I grimaced, rolling my eyes.

My mom opened the locked…can we say 'ewww'…door with a patient look on her flushed face. Her hair was all mused and her night gown was on inside out.

"It is way too early to get ready now, Mia." She said, leaving the door opened and walking back into her room. I could hear Dad start the shower up.

"Morning Daddy." I yelled.

"Morning Mia." He called back.

I faced Mom who was making up the bed.

"And no, it is not too early. This is the most important event in my young life. I need everything to be perfect." I said.

"It will be." She said.

"This is a wonderful rite of passage and I just want to be doing something." I said, sitting on the half-made bed, hindering her progress. She sighed and shook her head at me.

"You have a nail appointment at ten and your hair appointment at noon. Lunch after that. Then what?" She asked.

"I don't know." I groaned. "Is Daddy getting Grandma?"

"Yes, he is dreading it." She said wryly.

I giggled.

Grandma Ellis scared Daddy. He said she didn't but we both knew better.

"I am glad that Grandma Carolyn came last week. She has been a Godsend with the finishing touches." I said. "Checklist?"

Mom groaned.

"Checklist." She confirmed.

"Aunt Amber, Uncle Jackson and Shelby?" I asked.

"Flight touched down last night. They will be over here after lunch."

"Aunt Mel?"

"Was in Portland an hour ago."

"Aunt Katie and Nancy are here already. Who does that leave?"

"Grandpa and Sue, Lexie, Molly and her family are all here and accounted for. Everyone you love will be here and accounted for. They wouldn't miss this for the world." She assured me.

"Okay. I am going to go pack up a few things. Meet me downstairs in an hour?" I asked.

"Of course." Mom said.

I looked in the long oval mirror. Standing before me was a grown-up woman, replacing the girl I thought myself to be. I was wearing white. White jewel encrusted shoes, a white long flowing dress, white veil. Pure white. Innocent.

Which is what I was going into this.

Jake and I had decided to wait before having sex, a fact that my parents were proud of. They would have been proud either way, but I knew my mom had struggled having me so young and I wanted more for myself. She wanted more for me.

The door opened, and my mom bustled through, a vision in cream silk. She didn't look thirty-nine and some days we could pass as sisters. Only if you looked really close could you see the beginnings of crow's feet.

"Okay everything is in place. They will be seating the grandparents in ten minutes, then Rebecca and I will light the candles then you will move into the foyer. Are you ready?" She asked, messing with some makeup.

"Mom, look at me." I said gently.

She sniffed and then looked at me, blinking rapidly, her eyes shining.

"I am only moving across town. You can see me all the time." I said.

She nodded and swiped at an errant tear that had fallen.

"I know. It's just been us for so long and then you, me and your Dad, and now it is me and your dad, and… you and Jake. And I don't know how to let you go." She sobbed.

I walked over and hugged her tightly.

"You never have to let me go. I couldn't last a day without you. Which is why we are never leaving Seattle. Which is why I will do my residency at Seattle Grace in four years. You will see me so much, you will be sick of me. I promise."

"I am just being emotional." She said. "You are so mature, so wise. How did I get so lucky?"

"I ask myself that same question about you every day."

A soft knock sounded at the door and Dad peeked his head in. He cast a concerned look at Mom.

"Everyone okay in here, did you tell her yet Mer?" He asked.

"Tell me what?" I asked.

"Derek, no this is her day, we can tell her later."

"Mer, she will be so happy." Dad said.

"Guys, what is it? Just tell me." I said

"Mia, your mom and I are pregnant!" Dad said happily.

"What! That's wonderful! I am so excited! However, can we focus on my wedding now?"

They both nodded. Dad stepped all the way in and looked at me with awe.

"You look stunning." He breathed.

I smiled at him and twirled around.

"I clean up pretty good, huh?" I teased.

"You are one of the two most beautiful brides in the world." He said, no doubt thinking of his and Mom's wedding day three years ago.

"You are one lucky man." I said.

"You have no idea."

"How's Jake?" I asked.

"Calm. He has this big grin on his face." Dad said.

_I just bet he does._

"So no cold feet?" I asked, just to be sure.

"None."

"Good. Not that I had any doubts. I mean, I am a catch." I said.

Both my parent's rolled their eyes.

Mom checked her watch.

"Oh! I have to go." She said, giving me a big squeeze. "I love you Baby."

"I love you too, Mom."

I looked at Dad after Mom had left.

"You holding up okay?" I asked.

"I should be asking you that question." He replied ruefully.

"I am perfect. This is what I have always wanted for my life since I was thirteen. To marry Jake, to have you and Mom together, to be in med school, to practice at Seattle Grace. Everything is going as it should be."

"It was a long road." He said.

"Yes, but worth every step." I said.

Dad started walking me to our places. My bridesmaids oohed and awed over me, looking elegant in their black floor length dresses. They each disappeared one by one. I watched them with my arm hooked through my dads.

"Sorry I am late."

I glared at Mark.

"Another boob job?" I asked.

"No, smart ass, Lexie got stranded and I had to go get her." Just then my aunt rushed past and had a seat in the back of the church.

"Get her a new car." I demanded.

He smiled at Dad and I tucked my hand into his arm. I was flanked by the two men that represented my upbringing. Mark who had led me through the early years and my Dad who was leading me through the rest.

I heard a swell of music and it was time.

"You can always change your mind." Dad said urgently.

"Yeah we can make a getaway right now." Mark chimed in.

"As long as we don't take Lexie's car, right Uncle Mark?" I quipped. "Knock it off, Guys…" I looked at Jake, who was grinning through his tears at the sight of me. "I am right where I am supposed to be."

Then I had my past and present walk me to my future.

* * *

**_September 3, 2030_**

"Stop hogging her." My mother demanded as she scooped Hannah from Dad's arms, holding her gently and kissing her forehead.

"I just got her." He complained.

I exchanged looks with Jake who just smiled indulgently.

Hannah Elizabeth was two weeks old and I don't know why Mom was complaining as I didn't get any time with her either and she was my daughter. Ever since she had been born someone had been over to help with her. Help meaning hog.

"Well now I have her." Mom said, cooing to Hannah. "She wanted Nana, isn't that right? She loves her Nana. Forget that old smelly Gramps. Isn't that right?"

"Mia, I wanna see the baby." DJ, my seven-year-old brother said.

"Me too, Mia." Olivia, my seven-year-old sister and DJ's twin said.

"Hold on guys." I smiled.

"Mom has lost her mind." I said.

"I heard that." Mom glared at me.

"I meant for you to." I smiled sweetly.

"Mom, the twins want to see the baby." I said.

"Okay, come on guys."

DJ and Olivia sat on the couch with mom cuddled up with the baby happily cooing with her.

"When do you go back to work?" Mom asked.

"Ask Dad." I laughed.

"Take time to be with Hannah. Your spot is open." He said.

"Okay Chief, but tell me, do you say that to every new mother in the program or just those you fathered?" I asked.

He didn't answer, finding the TV very fascinating all of a sudden.

"Dad, you can't show me favoritism. I will be back one month from today." I said firmly.

"Don't rush."

"Dad, Jake will be here with Hannah."

I was lucky that Jake was an independent computer analyst and that he was able to work from home. He made good money and he didn't complain about my long hours and Hannah would have a parent home with her always. It was a win, win…win situation.

"Fine." Dad sighed.

"Oh lighten up Derek. She has this in the bag." Mom said.

Mom starts walking around with baby.

He pulled her down in his lap gently so as not to jostle the baby and kissed Mom.

"You look good holding a baby." He said.

"So do you." She waggled her eyebrows.

Ugh.

"Not in front of the baby. I don't need her damaged."

"You turned out just fine." Mom said.

"Yeah but I was fifteen when you started your…whatever it is you two do." I said.

"You know what it is they do. They are very vocal about it." Jake piped in.

Dad shot him a dirty look, but I could see he was amused and unapologetic.

Hannah started crying and I bounced up to get her.

"No, no. I got her." Dad said, taking her from Mom and carrying her into her room to change her diaper. I followed him quietly and watched.

He was so gentle with her, talking softly to her.

"I know that you think we hover too much and that is not because we don't think you can handle her. For him, it is his second chance to make up on what he missed out on with you. Go easy on him." Mom said, wrapping her arms around my back and resting her chin on my shoulder.

In that moment I realized exactly how lucky I was. I mean, I knew it before, but watching my parents and siblings with my daughter, three generations of us, all under one roof, made me count my blessings.

Here is what I know;

Time is a gift. Cherish it.

Love is a blessing. Don't take it for granted.

Laughter is the best medicine. Take several doses a day.

Happiness is your right. Grab onto it and never let it go.

And last but certainly not least;

Family is the most important gift a person has. Treat it with kindness, gentleness and a general awe.

I didn't get my family, my real family, until I was fifteen. Now at 25 years of age, it feels like I have always had it.

I credit that to my strong, independent mother, my persistent, loving father and to my gracious, kind husband.

I had it all. Everything I have ever dreamed of.

And I was never going to let it go...

* * *

**The End**


End file.
